Tag Archives: mental-health

Posted on

When You Can’t See the Way

Here are several points to remember when you find yourself in a painful situation.

by

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

              Winston Churchill

 

Sometimes life is hard. At some time, you will find yourself in a place where you can’t see a way out. You may feel feeling hopelessconfused, lost and helpless. You may feel stuck and hopeless.

Your situation may have been caused by a bad decision, or a failure. It may have not been your fault at all. Because we live in a fallen world, bad things do happen. We experience the pain of a lost job, lost health, or a lost loved one.

When such things occur, our knee-jerk response may be to hide and lick our wounds. We may just sit and ruminate about our situation. We may want to stay in bed all day. We may feel emotionally paralyzed.

Instead, we may react with anger and frenetic activity. We may blame others or ourselves. We may instinctively jump into high gear, with the idea that it’s better to do something, even if it’s the wrong thing.

So what do we do when we experience the valleys of life? Here are a few point to remember when you feel you can’t find a way out of your situation.

  1. You’re not the first one to experience this. Of course, we know that everyone experiences pain in this life. We know it, but we tend to forget it when our pain is particularly strong. Recalling that others have experienced similar situations, or worse, and that they have made it through it, can help us gain perspective.
  2. You’re not alone. Even though we can’t see Him, we are promised that our Heavenly Father will “never leave us or forsake us.” In our pain, we may not feel His presence, but we are promised that He is always beside us, and carries us when we can’t carry ourselves. I love the line, “If we knew who was walking beside us, every step of our day, we would never be afraid of anything.”
  3. Let others support you. When bad things happen, we need to lean on other people. Talk to those who you know would want to be there for you. Don’t be afraid of bothering or burdening them. If they were experiencing a similar situation, would you want them to come to you? Would you be upset if they didn’t? Let them help you in the same way.
  4. Do one step at a time. We have a strong tendency to ruminate about the past or anticipate the future, and such ruminations create much of our pain. In reality, the past does not exist except in our memories, and the future does not exist except in our imaginations. We will never have the resources to deal with the past, because it doesn’t exist any longer. We will never have the resources to deal with the future, because it doesn’t exist yet. We will always have the resources to deal with the present moment. We are told: Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
  5. Be kind to yourself. Even when the valley is due to your own mistake or failure, it doesn’t help to beat yourself up. Beyond a healthy self-discipline, be kind to yourself. Try to show yourself the same compassion that you would show to a loved one who made the same mistake. If they would deserve such compassion, you do too.
  6. You don’t have to see the whole path. In the midst of our valley, we often can’t see the whole way out, but we don’t have to. We only have to see our next step. You can drive across the United States at night, even though your headlights only show you the next one hundred feet. You don’t have to see the whole route, only the next little bit. But by continuing to drive the path we are shown, we will eventually get to our destination.

Hopefully, these points will help you in your difficult situation. Just remember to keep moving.

 

Posted on

The Dangers of Self-Pity and Benefits of Self-Compassion

While self-pity can ruin your day or your life, you can benefit greatly by learning self-compassion.

by

“There’s something about self-pity; it’s just so satisfying.”

                                                                   Unknown

 

It’s a strange thing. It is true that feeling sorry for ourselves can be oddly satisfying. We can easily drop into a state ofself-pity can ruin your life self-pity and then wallow in it. It can seem to provide a momentary comfort from the pains of life. When we’re in it, we just want to sit, and do nothing. For some reason, we humans can be drawn to it.

But self-pity is a bit of a trap. The mindset that feels comforting in the beginning soon turns into a crippling condition. It never serves to improve our circumstances, but rather, worsens them. We lose the motivation to take action. We wallow.

There’s little to recommend self-pity. But we all do encounter painful life events, and have to endure difficult circumstances. When life is particularly painful, how can we react? What mindset should we choose when life becomes especially difficult?

We know that self-pity isn’t helpful, so we often hear people admonishing themselves, or others, to avoid having a pity party. Such critiques are not helpful. They only add to the pain of the situation. They certainly offer no kindness or compassion.

A better alternative to self-pity is self-compassion. Kristin Neff, Ph.D. defines self-compassion as extending compassion to one’s self in situations of perceived inadequacy, failure or general suffering. To be self-compassionate, we must be open and aware of our hurt feelings, be kind to ourselves, and recognize that we are only human. Basically, we try to show ourselves the same compassion we would extend to a loved one who was experiencing the same painful circumstance.

When we are self-compassionate, we are more likely to take steps to recharge or heal. We may allow ourselves a day of rest, seek out the support of a friend, or do something nice or ourselves. We try to think kind thoughts about self. We avoid the harsh self-criticism that so easily floods the mind.

With self-compassion, we don’t wallow. After a brief moment of self-kindness, we take action to improve the negative situation, when possible. If we have hurt someone else, we apologize or try to make amends. When possible, we try to fix, or improve, the problem. We take steps to prevent the difficulty in the future.

With self-compassion, we recognize that we make mistakes, that we have weaknesses, and that sometimes life is painful. We recognize the truth, treat ourselves with kindness, and then move on to improve our lot. Seems pretty healthy to me.

Posted on

The Far-Reaching Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds

by

When a child experiences neglect, harsh or frequent criticism or abuse, his self-esteem is wounded. Since all childrenperson_in_crowd are egocentric, he will blame himself for his negative treatment. If the child is neglected or ignored, he will conclude that he is not lovable or likeable. If he is overly criticized, he will conclude that he is inadequate or incompetent. If he is abused, he will believe that he is bad, defective or even cursed. Thus, a wound to the self-esteem is inflicted, or what I call a “wound of the heart.”

No child is immune. Any child will respond to such negative experiences with similar conclusions. The difference between the child with low self-esteem and the one with a more healthy self-esteem is a difference in experience, not a difference in the strength or in the abilities of the child.

Further, without some intervention, the self-esteem wound will stay with the person throughout life. A child who believes she is unlovable or unimportant will usually maintain those beliefs in adulthood as well. The child who questions his abilities will doubt himself as an adult as well.

In this four-part series, we will examine the far-reaching impact of self-esteem wounds. We will look at the wound’s impact on (a) personal mental health and quality of life, (b) interpersonal relationships, and (c) educational and career performance.

In some ways, a self-esteem wound is similar to metastasized cancer. Over time, it spreads into all aspects of the victim’s life. The wound alters the person’s functioning and perception of every experience. Over time, it tends to impact everything.

In the next article, we will examine the impact of self-esteem wounds on the individual’s personal mental health and quality of life. We will look at the impact on mood, anxiety, and perception. We will explore the pain created by such wounds.

 

Question: Can you think of any other areas where self-esteem wounds have an impact that I need to cover? Thank you for your comments!

Posted on

The Power of Your Thinking

by

Young Woman Biting Her Finger NailAs a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
Proverbs 23:7

You talk to yourself all day. All your waking hours, you are thinking in words and sentences. You carry on an internal conversation with yourself. You comment on events, ask yourself questions and then answer them. This is normal. We all do it, but we usually aren’t aware that we’re doing it.

Have you ever stopped to consider the impact of all this internal chatter? You might be surprised at the degree to which your thoughts influence your mood, guide your perceptions and direct your behaviors. We would all do well to pay attention to the content of our thoughts, and consider their influence on our mood and choices. Have negative thought patterns caused you to experience unnecessary pain or make unhealthy choices?

The power of our thinking is magnified by the sheer volume of thoughts that go through our minds each day. Thousands of words, hundreds of phrases, judging thoughts, assuming thoughts, emotionally charged thoughts, all passing unquestioned into our minds and hearts.

A little internal observation will reveal that we all have habitual patterns of thinking. Some of us tend to think optimistic thoughts and some pessimistic thoughts. Some people are kind to themselves in their thoughts and some are very self-critical. Some people tend to be skeptical of others and some trusting in their thoughts.

This week, pay attention to your thoughts. Notice what you are saying to yourself. Particularly, notice any repeated patterns of negative thinking. Also, notice how your thoughts influence your mood and your behaviors. Was a negative or irritable mood preceded by negative thinking? Was a depressed mood preceded by self-critical or pessimistic thoughts? I believe that a little self-examination will reveal a connection between your self-talk and your life experience.
There are many forms of negative thinking can hurt us. In future posts, I will be addressing several specific types of negative thinking and providing tools we can use to change our thinking and improve our lives. For now, just notice the internal conversation as you go through your day. Become aware of your thoughts, your assumptions and your attributions. Awareness is the beginning of change.

Question: What techniques have you found to be helpful in monitoring your self-talk? Can you see a connection between the quality of your daily life experience and the thoughts that are going through your head?

Posted on

The Innocent Victims of Sexual Abuse

by

Child abuse comes in many forms and all are damaging, but sexual abuse creates a unique self-esteem wound. sad_girlThrough the years, I’ve treated many victims of sexual abuse and seen first hand the impact of that abuse on their lives.

I have found that there are several, almost universal, reactions for the victim of sexual abuse. These reactions seem to be consistent, regardless of the victim’s age when the abuse occurred, the time span of the abuse (e.g. a single incident or multiple incidents over several years), or the particular circumstances where the abuse occurred. These reactions form the self-esteem wound. Sexual abuse makes the victim conclude that they are bad, damaged or tainted.

Here are the common reactions of the sexual abuse victim:

  1. “There was something about me that made the abuser choose me. I must have done or said something wrong to cause the abuse to occur. I’m bad”.
  2. “Now that I have been abused, I am defective, dirty, and damaged. Others wouldn’t want to spend time with me if they knew what I had done. They wouldn’t like me or love me. I’m bad”.
  3. “I should have been able to stop the abuse or stop it earlier than I did. I should have done something to make it stop. I’m bad”. (Interestingly, this belief is held, even when the victim was five years old or younger and the perpetrator was an adult.) When a person is being sexually abused, the mind often goes into a type of trance state. The victim doesn’t think clearly. Her thinking and decision making is often temporarily impaired. She will ask herself later why she didn’t do some behavior to prevent or stop the abuse, but during the abuse she couldn’t think clearly.
  4. The victim perceives her sexuality differently. She may gravitate toward sex, even when she would rather say no. The victim will often feel that sex is the only thing that anyone would want from her, or that she might as well give in because she is already broken. Because of her increased sexual activity, she concludes, “I’m bad.” On the other hand, the victim may experience anxiety or repulsion in association with sex. She may not enjoy sex or avoid it altogether, even when it occurs in acceptable circumstances.
  5. There is another reaction to sexual abuse that is rarely discussed, yet it can be the greatest contributor to the victim’s feelings of shame and self-blame. This is the fact that abuse victims will sometimes feel sexual arousal during the abuse. The victim reasons that he or she must have wanted it in some way or they wouldn’t have responded, thus “I’m Bad.” Nothing could be further from the truth. The body is like a machine in many ways. When the knee is tapped with a rubber hammer, the foot will jerk. You can’t avoid it. In the same way, when the body is touched in certain ways, an arousal response may occur. You didn’t want it. You couldn’t avoid it. It means nothing, except the fact that you are a human being.

The reality is that a sexual abuse victim is a totally innocent victim. Think of it this way. Imagine that you found out today that your child had been abused in the same way that you were. The exact same acts were done to your child that were done to you. Your child was the same age that you were when it happened. How angry would you be? Would you be angry at your child? Of course not. You would be angry at the perpetrator for hurting your child, but not angry at your child. Would you love your child any less? Of course not. Would you perceive your child as damaged, defective or dirty? Of course not.

You see, you were just as innocent as your child would be. You were no different. You were just as helpless to resist it. You may have felt older or more powerful at the time, but you weren’t. We often perceive ourselves as older than we actually are during childhood.

You would not want your child to feel shame. You shouldn’t feel shame either. If you were sexually abused, it’s time to recognize the truth. It wasn’t your fault. You were a totally innocent victim of the abuse. Realizing this is the first step toward healing.

 

Question: What resources have you found to be helpful in helping yourself or someone else who has experienced abuse?

Posted on

Your Do-It-Yourself Guide to Fighting Depression – Part 3

by

This is the third article on do-it-yourself tools to fight depression. In the first two articles we began with the metaphor that depression is like a troll_3mean, parasitic troll that influences you to do the very things that will make him grow. He makes you decrease your physical activity and your social activity because doing so makes you more depressed, thus feeding the troll and making him grow.

The do-it-yourself techniques involve making yourself do the opposite. You make yourself do more physical activity and more social activity. You won’t enjoy it, of course. In fact, you will probably resist it with every once of energy you’ve got. But if you can make yourself do it. If you can get up and move. If you can reconnect with the people who care about you, you will feel better.
In this article, I want to explore a third tactic of the depression troll, as he attempts to grow stronger. He makes you decrease pleasurable activity. He does this in two ways. First, he saps your energy so you don’t feel like doing anything, even something you think you would enjoy. But worse, he takes away any pleasure you experience when you do previously pleasurable activities. Activities you used to enjoy, no longer feel pleasurable. There is a word for this in psychology; anhedonia – the inability to experience pleasure. The depressed person just doesn’t seem to enjoy anything.  Does that sound familiar?
Not surprisingly, the absence of pleasure worsens the depression, thus feeding the troll. So, what are we to do? How can we experience pleasure if the activities we used to enjoy no longer feel pleasurable?
I’m afraid the answer sounds a little like “fake it till you make it.” You have to make yourself do activities that were pleasurable before you became depressed. You identifying activities that you previously enjoyed, and you try to make yourself do them again,
You won’t enjoy them at first. You won’t look forward to them. In fact, you might dread having to do them, but doing them does help you in your fight against depression.
Of course, doing previously pleasurable activities won’t make a noticeable difference at first, but if you persist in doing those activities, you will gradually experience pleasure in them. Then they will serve to fight the depression and starve that mean ole depression troll,
Posted on

What My Dog Taught Me About Marriage

by

In my outpatient practice, I often do marital therapy. Couples come in to work on improving, or perhaps saving their Poo_Dogrelationship. By the time they take this step, they have often experienced years of conflict or distance. Sometimes they are close to calling it quits and calling the divorce attorney.

My first task in marital therapy is an assessment of the situation. What are the issues? What are the patterns of communication? What are the trigger points of conflict? What are the personalities and motivations of each participant?

After this initial assessment, I will sometimes surprise the couple by telling them that they remind me a lot of my dog. This statement is met with some very strange looks, but at least I know that I have their attention. I go on to explain.

Several years ago, I was sitting on my front porch and my little white dog was playing in the yard. He never went into the road, but on this day he did. He ran into the road just as a car approached. The car hit him and ran over him. I watched helplessly as he rolled under the body of the car. The car drove on and my dog sat in the middle of the road, twisting and yelping.

I jumped off the porch and ran out to the road, while calling to my wife to get the car so we could take him to the vet. I reached down to pick up my dog to put him into the car, and he bit me on the hand.

It never entered my mind to be angry at my dog. I knew why my dog bit me. He bit me because he was in pain. I doubt that he even knew that he was biting me. He was just snapping at anything close because of his intense pain. His response was a reflex.

Most couples experiencing marital problems have been biting each other for some time. They didn’t bite because they were mean or because they didn’t love. They bit each other because they were in pain. They had been hurt by the other one and responded by biting back.

Unfortunately, each individual was aware of their own pain and their feeling that they had been bitten, but not aware that their responses had inadvertently bitten their partner. Not realizing that they had also bitten, they concluded that the partner bit because she was mean and critical or because he didn’t care.

My first task in doing marital therapy is getting each member of the couple to focus more of their attention on what they have done to hurt the relationship, rather than focusing on what the other partner has done. By realizing that they have also contributed to the problem, they can begin healing.

By the way, my dog recovered completely, and lived many years after the accident. By learning from my dog, many couples have recovered as well!

Question: Please share any experiences where you have recognized that you were not the only one being hurt in a relationship difficulty, and what you did about it.

Posted on

Story!

by

You may be surrounded by wonderful, well-meaning people, but only you can know your needs, feelings and purpose. You can listen and learn from others, but you can’t allow them to direct your life. Live your life deliberately!

Posted on

Life’s Roller Coasters

by

roller_coasterRoller coasters are fun because we know we will get off soon. We can thrill to the ups and downs and unexpected curves because of the flat part at the end, where we slow down, stop, raise the bar, and get off. The experience is pleasurable because we know that it is temporary.

Life sometimes feels like a roller coaster, with its own ups and downs and unexpected curves. Unfortunately, we often can’t see the flat part at the end where we slow down and return to normalcy. We imagine that our present chaotic ride will go on forever. We dread the next fall and anxiously await the next unexpected turn.

It does seem that negative life events often come in clusters. Just when we’re recovering from a jab in life, we’re struck with a right hook, and we find ourselves reeling and unsteady. Our only goal is to stay on our feet, or to put one foot in front of the other.

When you find yourself in the middle of a cluster of negative life events, you have to hang on tighter and realize that you’re not alone.  When life is unstable, we need to lean on others for assistance, advice, support or just their presence.

We also have to recall past negative clusters and remember that they eventually ended and that we survived. There is a lot of wisdom in the phrase, “This too shall pass.”

Most importantly, remember that the roller coaster had a creator, who knew each twist and turn long before you purchased your ticket. Trust that creator to bring you home to the flat part, where you can slow down, step onto stable ground and breathe a sigh of relief.

 

Question: When you’ve experienced the ups and downs of life, what steps have you taken to hold on and stay the course?

 

Posted on

Confusing Humility with Self-Punishment

by

What does The Bible say about our proper self-esteem? As Christians, how should we see ourselves? How should we think of ourselves? This is the third in a series of blogs on “Our God-Given Self-Esteem?
In the last blog, I discussed scriptures pointing out that we should be humble in our relationship to God. We have to realize that we are totally dependent on God and can do nothing by ourselves. We also must recognize that we are sinners and are helpless without His grace. This is just reality. We lose much when we forget our dependence on God.
Many times, however, Christians have taken this truth and carried it to the extreme, believing that they should be self-depreciating and self-punishing. Many people live their lives riddled with extreme guilt, and self-criticism or even self-abuse, thinking that they are being good Christians.
For most this has taken the form of self-critical thoughts and consuming guilt or sadness. Throughout history, others have gone even further. Some have practiced “mortification of the flesh,” believing that they should punish themselves because of their lowly, sinful nature. This self-punishment has taken the form of wearing sackcloth, extreme fasting, carrying heavy loads, wearing a tight garment or band with inward spikes that pierce the flesh (called a cilice) and flagellation (constantly whipping oneself with a whip).
While most of us would never consider such extreme forms of self-punishment, we often abuse ourselves in our minds. When we flood our minds with self-critical, self-demeaning or self-abusive thoughts, aren’t we just substituting the flagellation whip with words? In fact, I think the physical whip might be less painful than the words. Physical wounds heal faster than emotional wounds.
Notice your self-talk. Listen to the statements you say to yourself, particularly when you have made a mistake or fallen short of your expectations. Are you being overly harsh with yourself? Would you say the same words to anyone else? Are you abusing yourself with your words? Are you verbally flagellating yourself?
Would now be a good time to lay down the whip?

Question: Have you experienced religious messages that you should be self-depreciating or self-punishing? Do you believe such messages to be helpful or harmful to one living life abundantly and with joy?