Tag Archives: mental-health

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A Little Less Anger

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Most of us would like to have better control of our anger. We may regret the time we overreacted to the car that pulled out in front of us, the waitress who took forever to bring our check or the critical comment from a co-worker. We sometimes wish we could have an emotional “do-over.”

Anger can harm our physical health, our relationships and our lives.

We tend to see our emotions as an unavoidable reaction to a situation. As we stew in our irritation, we review the slight in our mind. “How could they?” “They think they own the road.” “He’s just a jerk.”

Anger is a basic human biological response designed to protect us from physical danger. When faced with a potential attacker, our anger mobilizes our body to fight or run away. Our muscles tense up. Our breathing quickens. The pupils in our eyes dilate. Our heart rate speeds up. The response is very helpful if we face an actual physical attack but can be physically and psychologically harmful if experienced frequently.

In present days we rarely fact a physical attack. Our anger is usually prompted by our thoughts. We perceive the other person’s actions to be a threat to our well-being, but fully know that there is no physical danger. Their behavior may threaten our schedule, our appearance to others, our self-esteem, our business success, but rarely our lives.

Of course, sometimes anger can be healthy if it is channeled in the right direction. I’m a big believer in assertiveness. When we are assertive, we express our needs and protect our interests, but do so without the appearance of attack. We simply state our boundaries without being offensive. We defend our own rights but do so in a way that honors the other person’s rights.

Here are some steps we can take to control our anger:

  1. Don’t assume intention. Do you know that the person’s actions were intentional? Perhaps they didn’t mean to hurt you. Perhaps they reacted to a different perception of the situation. Perhaps there was a miscommunication. Check it out before you react.
  • Don’t assume you know everything about the situation. Could there be some pertinent information that you don’t know? We tend to assume that all we see is all there is. Everyone has a story, and we only see a small part of it. Check it out before you react.
  • Ask yourself if being angry will help. Will an angry response make anything better? Usually not. The situation is what it is. Your anger may not improve the situation. It may just make you stressed, raise your blood pressure, and ruin your day.
  • Can you give yourself the gift of forgiveness by letting it go? You don’t do anything for the person who hurt you when you forgive them. You give yourself the gift. When you let an offense go and forgive, you release the stress of your anger. You relax. You move on with your day or your life.

Of course, we are all a work in progress. We will overreact at times. But sometimes when we try, we can control our emotions and better our lives. Each success means a little less stress and one more good day.

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The Lies of Suicide

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In some way, all of us are affected by suicide. Whether you worry about the possibility that a loved one is considering it, have had a loved one attempt it or die from it, or whether you have grieved with a friend or neighbor when it happened, suicide leaves its mark.

pain of suicide

Every year, one million people attempt suicide in the United States. Over 40,000 Americans die from suicide every year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in those aged 10 to 24 years. A surprising fact for many, the highest risk of death by suicide is actually older adult men.

Two people in the U.S. will probably die from suicide before you finish reading this article. Worldwide, there is one death by suicide every 40 seconds.

Most people who consider suicide are in the midst of a deep clinical depression. In the moment of the suicide attempt, the person really does lose touch with reality. They may not hallucinate, but they believe things that are untrue. They are momentarily delusional. Here are some of the lies of suicide:

1. “Everyone would be better off without me.”

2. “They’ll get over it soon.”

3. “My life will never get better.”

4. “There is no help for me.”

5. “I don’t deserve to live.”

6. “I’ll show them how badly they’ve hurt me.”

7. “I have no other options.”

8. “Nobody cares.”

Unfortunately, many deeply depressed people believe these lies, and they act on them. If they don’t succeed, and when the depression improves, they realize that they were lies, but in the moment they don’t know any better.

Suicide also conveys several lies for the loved ones that are left behind. Their grief is complicated by confusion and many, many questions. They struggle to make sense of the loss. They often blame themselves. Here are some of the lies placed upon the loved ones left behind by a suicide:

1. “I should have seen it coming.”

2. “I should have done something.”

3. “If only I had ……”

4. “What did I do to cause it?”

5. “She tried to tell me, but I didn’t listen.”

6. “He made a decision to leave me.”

7. “How could she have been so cruel?”

8. “Others will blame me. I feel so ashamed.”

The reality is that none of us can perfectly predict human behavior. Most people try to do the right, loving thing, based on what they know in that moment. They can’t know what is going to happen in the future. If they had known, they would have done anything to intervene.

We know that this horrible thing should not have happened. Our next thought is to ask who is to blame. We look at every interaction, every missed opportunity. But in the moment, we probably did what we thought was best. We didn’t know. We couldn’t know.

If you have a loved one who is depressed, and you have concerns that they may be considering suicide, talk to them. Ask them if they are thinking about it. Tell them how much it would hurt you if they did something to themselves. You won’t suggest the idea, and you might just give them the opportunity to change their mind.

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A Search for Constancy

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As I write this, I’m gazing out at the Western North Carolina mountains. It’s early morning, and the sun is just coming up. I love looking out over the mountains. It never gets old.

So, I wondered why looking at the mountains is so satisfying. They don’t really do anything. They just sit there. They’re pretty much the same as they were yesterday, and the day before. In fact, I don’t remember ever seeing them move.

Perhaps, that’s it. I appreciate the mountains because they are always the same. They are constant. They are consistent.

In a world where everything changes, it’s nice to notice the constant. Most aspects of life are in constant flux. Our circumstances, our moods and even our bodies are always changing. So much is temporary.

And, so many things are unpredictable and uncertain. We don’t know what the next moment will bring. When we’re honest with ourselves, we all know that we control very little in our lives.

So, the mountains provide a sense of constancy. They were here long before I was born, and they will be here long after I’m gone. They feel predictable. They seem steady.

But, even the mountains will change. Mountains do change, albeit very slowly. They should outlast me, but they too will be gone someday.

I guess that’s why I really like verse 6 of Psalm 23. “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” More constant than the mountains, more predictable than the sunrise, our Father is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

He constantly provides goodness and mercy. I know that I need that today, and I’m sure I’ll need it tomorrow.

And he follows me. The thought of the Creator of the Universe following little ole me is a bit strange at first. We tend to think of God being stationary, sitting on a throne, waiting for us to come to him. But, that isn’t the message of the Bible. The whole Bible describes a God who follows, pursues, and reaches out to mankind. I love Francis Thompson’s description of God as “the Hound of Heaven.” A God who relentlessly pursues a relationship with his children.

Finally, David reminds us of the constancy of our final home. We will “dwell in the house of the Lord…” Now, wait for it. Listen for it… “forever.” Now, that’s much more reassuring than gazing at mountains.

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The Medicine of Laughter

A good laugh can do much to improve our mental and physical health.

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We all laugh. In fact, laughter is universal. Regardless of culture or native language, all humanslaughter laugh. It is a hardwired response, involving the brain centers of emotion and memory; the amygdala and the hippocampus. It activates the pleasure systems of the brain.

A baby’s first laugh will delight her parents at about 14 to 18 weeks of age. At about eight months of age, infants begin doing things to make others laugh. Without words, they begin clowning to make others laugh. They may try to put their toes into their caregiver’s mouth or expose their naked tummy, while shaking back and forth. At this early age, they seem to understand humor.

Comedians make us laugh by exploiting our expectations. They set us up, then surprise us with the punch line. We laugh at the unexpected or the absurd.

So, why do we laugh? Other than the fact that it feels good, are there benefits to a good belly laugh. Research indicates that laughter serves us well. Here are a few ways that laughter is good medicine.

  1. Laughter is good for your heart. It gives us a good cardiovascular workout, much like going for a walk. A good laugh will strengthen your heart muscle.

 

  1. It is a natural pain killer. Laughter makes us produce endorphins, which increase comfort, decrease pain, and just make us feel good.

 

  1. It protects us from disease. Studies show that people who laugh regularly have lower incidence of chronic diseases, such as diabetes or hypertension. Laughter also boosts our immune system, helping us ward off infections.

 

  1. Laughter decreases our blood pressure. People who laugh frequently tend to have lower blood pressure, which decreases the risk of heart attack or stroke.

 

  1. It decreases stress and anxiety. We increase our relaxation response when we laugh. Our stress hormones go down, and we become less anxious. Genuine laughter calms an anxious mind.

 

  1. Laughter helps depression. Studies have shown that watching funny television shows or movies improves one’s outlook on life. While it may be more difficult to laugh when depressed, the research suggests that watching comedy significantly decreases the emotional pain of the disease.

 

  1. It strengthens relationship bonds. Laughing with others increases our feelings of connection. Sharing a funny moment makes us feel closer to each other. A non-threatening humorous comment can often ease a tense discussion.

 

  1. It can shift our perspective. When dealing with a problem, a little laughter can help us distance ourselves from the seriousness of the difficulty, helping us feel less overwhelmed.

 

These are just a few of the benefits of laughter. So, let yourself laugh a little. Look for things that make you laugh. The best laughter is when you spontaneously laugh with a friend or loved one. But, you can also find humor on the internet. Just google “clean comedy” or “clean jokes.” Don’t take yourself too seriously. You’ll feel better for it.

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Mental Health Services in Schools

Mental health programs offered in schools could offer much needed help for our children.

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One in five children has a diagnosable mental health problem, but nearly two-thirds get little or no help. An estimated 13% of children and adolescents worldwide have significant mentalmental health programs in schools health problems, such as anxiety or depression. Over 15% of high school students have seriously considered attempting suicide. These statistics, plus the many school shootings make it clear that our children and adolescents have mental health needs. Since most children spend much of their time at school, it offers an excellent opportunity to reach many of them with mental health education, prevention and treatment.

 

There have been attempts to provide mental health services in the schools. For many years, schools have had school counselors on-site. Unfortunately, they have often been given administrative duties that limited their time to do actual counseling. At times, schools have contracted with clinical mental health professionals so that students with identified diagnoses could be seen on the school campus during the school day. This service does increase the availability of treatment, but many students can slip through the cracks, and insurance or Medicaid has to be billed for the treatment.

 

There have been several examples of more comprehensive school-based mental health programs. A recent review in the Harvard Review of Psychiatry evaluated the effectiveness of eight such programs. The research linked those programs to benefits such as reducing anxiety, improving reading scores, reducing bullying in school, and lowering rates of substance abuse in young adults. Altogether, the programs reached over 27 million students over the last ten years.

 

These comprehensive programs provide a combination of mental health education, social skills building, small-group activities and when needed, individual therapy. The education components are sometimes taught by specially trained teachers, and sometimes by mental health professionals. Services are made available to all students, regardless of insurance coverage.

 

The Harvard Review authors concluded that school-based programs continue to be one of the most promising types of preventive mental health interventions for children. Of course, such programs will cost money, but considering the prevalence of mental health programs in our children and adolescents, and the recent incidents of school violence, we may not have a choice.

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Small But Significant Gestures

You never know the difference that a small gesture may make.

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You never know the impact that you may have on another person. An action that seems inconsequential to you maysmall gestures can make a difference have great meaning for another. Years ago, a retired college professor shared this story with me.

The professor said that she was working her office on the day before spring graduation. A young African-American student knocked on the door and asked to come in. She said that she was graduating the next day and just want to thank the professor. The teacher was a bit confused, then admitted to the student that she couldn’t remember having her in any of her classes. The student said she hadn’t taken any of her classes. The professor admitted that now she was really confused, and asked her why she wanted to thank her.

Now, this was a time soon after desegregation. The student explained that four years earlier, she was one of the first African-American students to enroll in that university. She said that she received many verbal and unspoken messages that she was not welcomed there. The feelings of rejection built until she could take no more. She finally made the decision to resign from the university the next day and go home.

On her last day of classes, she passed this professor in the hall, and the professor smiled. The student noticed the smile and recalled that she had seen that smile every time she passed this professor. She realized that this was one person who did want her at this university.

She didn’t quit the next day. She began to look for those who seemed to want her there, rather than focusing on those who didn’t. Over time, she realized that there were many who were welcoming, but the negative ones just stood out.

She finished her story by pointing out that she didn’t quit, and that she was graduating the next day. She just wanted to thank the professor for a small, but significant gesture.

Most of the time, people don’t make the effort to acknowledge a meaningful gesture, as this student did. We may never know the impact we have had on another person. Never underestimate the power of a kind gesture.

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The Responsibility of Being an American

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Abraham_LincolnI like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives.  I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.  ~Abraham Lincoln

Each person plays many roles. We have many aspects to our identity; parent, spouse, child, family member, friend, co-worker, and more. Today, we celebrate one additional part of our identity; that of being an American.

Today, July 4th, we recognize and celebrate our nation and our independence. In doing so, we remind ourselves of this part of our identity. We enjoy the gift of being a part of this great nation. This is part of who we are.

Regardless of our political disagreements and despite our current difficulties, it is still a great nation. We are free to express those disagreements. We are free to choose our path and work to follow it. This is part of who we are.

You don’t have to travel to many other countries to realize how much we take for granted each day. We have so much. We often have too much. Having been so blessed, we have a responsibility to seek ways to give to others. This is part of who we are.

We have the opportunity to grow as individuals, and in doing so, follow any path we choose. As my father used to say, “You can do anything you want to do, if you set your mind to it.” As a young boy, I’d roll my eyes and dismiss the statement, but it must have sunk in, because I came to believe it. Fortunately, in this country we call home, it is true. This is part of who we are.

Enjoy celebrating our country this July 4th, and then every other day, live up to the inheritance. As Lincoln said, live so that your place will be proud of you.

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The Violin Nobody Wanted

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ImageThis post is a little longer than most. I have had several requests to share the following story from my book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart.” I hope you enjoy it!

Once there was a family that bought an old house. The prior owners had moved out of the house some time earlier, so this new family never met them. On the day they moved in, they had some items that they wanted to store in the attic. When they climbed up the attic stairs, they found that the previous owners had left some junk piled in one corner. The new owners didn’t have time to go through the stuff and throw it away, so they just stacked their things around the leftover pile. They didn’t think of it again.

After several years, the family decided to do some spring cleaning. They planned to have a yard sale to get rid of some of the things they had stored in the attic. When they went up to get their items, they saw the pile of things left by the previous owners. They decided they might as well try to sell those things too. Perhaps they could make a little extra money.

As they sorted out the pile, they found several items they could sell including an old violin in a case. The violin looked in pretty good shape, but the case was very dusty and all scratched up. They decided to put a $20.00 price tag on it and see what they could get.

On the day of the yard sale they put all the items on tables, and  people began to stop and browse. They sold many of their items and were about to call it a day. There were a few stragglers milling around the tables checking for any last minute buys. A car pulled over and a tall, thin older man got out. He too browsed the tables for a while.

He came to the table with the violin in the opened case. It seems no one had needed a fiddle this morning, not even for $20.00. He leaned over and studied the dusty violin for a couple of minutes before he spoke to the owner behind the table. He inquired, “Do you mind if I take it out of the case?”

“No”, the owner replied, “Help yourself.”

He picked the violin up very slowly and carefully, as if it were going to fall apart in his hands.

“May I tune it?” the old man asked.

“If you can,” the owner answered.

The old man slowly tuned the violin until he seemed to be satisfied with each string. The owner waited patiently since most of the crowd had dispersed; and this seemed like the most promising chance of getting rid of the instrument.

“May I play it?” the old man asked.

“Sure, see how it sounds,” was the owner’s reply, now feeling that a sale was in the making.

The old man slowly placed the violin under his chin and began to play. The straggling shoppers stopped and stared as the notes drifted across the yard in the spring sunshine. The old man crafted the most beautiful music for several minutes before he stopped. He lowered the violin from his chin and placed it very gently back in its case. The owner moved in to make the sale. “You make that thing sing, mister” he said with a grin. “You can have it for only $20.00.”

The older man’s face was somber. “I can’t give you $20.00 for that violin,” he replied.

“Well, how about $15.00?” said the owner, now thinking a sale was slipping away.

“Sir, you don’t understand.” noted the old man, still serious. “I can’t take that violin from you for $20.00. It wouldn’t be right.” Looking directly into the owner’s eyes, he lowered his voice and smiled slightly, “I don’t know how you came upon that violin, but you don’t know what you have there. You see, that violin is a Stradivarius. You can tell from the markings in the sound hole. It was made by Antonio Stradivari in Cremona. His instruments are the best in the world. You see, his mark is there in the sound hole. This violin is worth at least $1,000,000 and probably much more. It’s a very, very special instrument and very precious. You just didn’t realize what you had.”

The violin had always been precious. It was valuable because of its creator. The violin was valuable because its creator only made precious instruments, and it carried the unmistakable mark of that creator. The earlier homeowners who left it in the attic obviously didn’t know what they had and treated it like trash. The new owners didn’t know what they had either and left it in the attic with the trash. The yard sale shoppers who left it on the table didn’t know what they were leaving behind. They treated it as if it was not even worth $20.00. It took the old man to recognize the violin’s value. He didn’t have to play it to recognize that it was precious. The old man knew it was precious because he knew about its creator. He knew that it had the mark of its creator.

You may be like the violin. You may have grown up in a family that wasn’t able to recognize your true value. They may have acted as if you were in the way or just something to be tolerated. Or they may have made you feel that you couldn’t do anything right or were always messing up. Later in life, you may have dealt with others who also acted as you weren’t worth much, who acted as if you were trash.

It’s important to remember that the violin never actually lost its value. It was just as valuable when it was left in a corner of the attic as it would have been in a symphony hall. It was still valuable when it was passed over by the rest of the customers in the yard sale. The creator had left his mark on it, and that made all the difference.

Every child is valuable. Each child is as valuable as any other child. We all know this to be true. There is no defect, deformity, characteristic, or behavior that can make a child less valuable. We also know this to be true. A child’s actual value is not diminished when her family doesn’t recognize or act as if she is valuable. You know this to be true.

The child is hurt, of course. The child learns to believe that she is not valuable. Such lessons are learned deeply. Such beliefs are hard to change. Just because a belief is deeply learned doesn’t mean that it is true.

Question:  Share your thoughts about the meaning or moral of this story. Do you agree that all children are valuable and deserve to be treated as such? Can you apply that truth to yourself? Can you begin to do that now? What do you think?

This story was inspired by the poem, “The Touch of the Master’s Hand” by Myra “Brooks” Welch (1921).

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The Loss in Loneliness

Loneliness or feeling disconnected from others can impact your mental and physical health.

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We were created for connection. We are naturally social animals. It begins in infancy. From the moment of birth, the infant needs human contact and connection for survival. Years ago, we discovered that babies deprived of humanloneliness hurts mental and physical health connection fail to thrive, and sometimes die.

As humans grow, the impact of isolation continues. Disconnection from peers is a major reason for school dropouts. Teenagers, who identify themselves as outcasts, often slip into delinquency, other forms of antisocial behavior, violence or suicide.

In adults, extended loneliness can lead to depression, alcoholism, and physical illness. Studies show that a lack of social or family support can increase the risk of heart disease. It tends to elevate blood pressure, make the heart muscle work harder, and raise the levels of stress hormones. Loneliness can also heighten our perception of stress and cause insomnia.

So, is loneliness the same as being alone? Not really. Feelings of loneliness are experienced most acutely when other people are around us, but we feel disconnected. In his book, “Traveling Light,” Max Lucado points out that “Loneliness is not the absence of faces. It is the absence of intimacy. Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone; it comes from feeling alone.”

There are many potential causes of loneliness. As we get older, we experience the death of more-and-more relatives and friends. The older we get, the more likely we are to lose our core social connections. The feeling of disconnection is a major cause of depression in the elderly.

Sometimes, loneliness in adulthood can be traced to negative childhood events. Children who experience parental distance or rejection are more likely to feel lonely as adults. They tend to see themselves as less likeable or lovable, making them less likely to approach others. They may reject others before others have a chance to reject them.

Often, we feel lonely because of inaccurate perceptions. We do mind reading, where we assume others are thinking critical or disapproving thoughts about us. We assume they don’t like us or don’t care about us. We may assume we are disconnected, even when others like us or love us. We assume that we are different from others.

So, you were created for connection. Your mental and physical health will benefit from having positive relationships. Put some energy into reconnecting with old friends, strengthening current relationships or creating new ones. Don’t assume that they won’t like you or won’t have time for you. Make a call. Set up a lunch date. Start a conversation. You’ll feel better for the effort.

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Learning to Let Go

We can experience serenity when we learn to let go of the things we can't change.

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“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” 
Ann Landers

 

I once heard the saying that a baby is born with its fists clinched tight, holding on to everything in life. When we die, we’re laid in the casket with our hands outstretched, letting go of everything in life. And, life is the process ofLetting go can give us serenity. learning how to let go. I think this rings true.

We have such an aversion to letting things go. Even when we rationally know that we can’t change a situation, we hold on to it. Even when we know that ruminating, analyzing, replaying, or gnashing our teeth about a thing won’t change it, we refuse to let it go. Even when others tell us that it’s killing us, we hold on.

We seem to have the belief that continuing to think about a past negative event, a mistake, a slight or a wrong treatment, will somehow make it go away. We hold on to our anger, as if being angry will magically fix the problem. Or, when dealing with our own mistakes, we seem to believe that holding on to our guilt or shame is going to help. We continue to replay the unfortunate action, as if one more review will change the outcome. It never does.

It all comes down to the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.”

 

Letting go and accepting is a choice, but it has to be a daily choice. We first make the rational decision to let a situation go. We recognize that our only pathway to peace is to let go. We realize that holding on is not helping the situation, but only hurting us. We then have to remind ourselves of our decision, whenever we find ourselves obsessing about the event again.

 

Again, it is difficult to let go, but well worth the effort. A variation of Neibuhr’s prayer might be, “Lord grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, so that I can finally experience serenity.”