Tag Archives: self-worth

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Self-Esteem Wounds From A Distant Parent

This "Fresh Prince" scene illustrates the pain of an unavailable father.

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Many children experience the pain of an unavailable parent. The child mistakenly believes that he or she is the blame. The question, “Why can’t he love me?” is all too common. Of course the problem actually rests with the parent, not the child, but the child doesn’t know this. The self-esteem is wounded, as the child feels unlovable. That feeling of being unimportant or unlovable follows the child into adulthood, maintaining the self-esteem wound.

This scene from “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” provides an excellent example of a rejecting parent and a hurting son. We need to recognize that the problem lies with the parent, not with the child. Will Smith does a beautiful job of depicting the reaction of the rejected child. First, he acts cool, as if there is no problem and it doesn’t bother him. Then he expresses anger at the parent for not being there for him. Finally, he becomes more vulnerable to asks the ultimate self-esteem wound question, “Why doesn’t he want me?” He shows the very strong tendency the child has to blame himself.

Unfortunately, far too many children and teenagers have to deal with a distant or absent parent. Of course, adults know that the problem lies with the parent, not with the child. The child blames himself.

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Being Human

A few facts to consider when assessing your self-esteem or self-worth.

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When writing and teaching about self-esteem, I’m often urging people to reconsider their negative self-beliefs andgirl_looking_in_mirror work toward healing self-esteem wounds. I point out that every human being has worth, and try to help people gain a healthy perspective on themselves.

But today, I thought it might be interesting to consider just what it means to be human. Exactly who are we in the grand scheme of things?

First, we are mammals, like cows, dogs, sheep, monkeys, etc. we are born alive and we nurse our young. We are totally helpless when we are born, and remain totally helpless longer than any other mammals. Without someone else taking total care of our physical needs, we would die quickly.

We live a fairly short life. In the United States, the average life expectancy is 79 years (76 years for males and 81 years for females). In other countries of the world, the average life expectancies range from 84 years in Japan to only 46 years in Sierra Leone. While living to around 80 years may seem like an eternity to a sixteen year old, those of us in the last half of the trip realize that it is a blink of an eye.

For years, people have quoted that the actual chemical worth of the elements in a human body (calcium, carbon, iron, etc.) is about 97 cents, but inflation has helped us a bit. It is now said that our various raw ingredients are worth about $5:00. I guess that’s one way to feel better about ourselves.

From a psychological perspective, we can sometimes be a mess. We operative out of raw emotion far too often. We are constantly assuming what others think and feel, and we’re often wrong. We incessantly compare ourselves to other humans, as if we could actually do such a thing objectively. We all tend to have our insecurities, but work so hard to give the impression that we have it all together.

But, at the same time, we humans can do great and wonderful things. We often give our money, our time and even our lives to help the people we love, and even those we don’t know. We can entertain dreams and ideals and then move mountains to attain them. We have the ability to love selflessly. We often show great courage and determination. We have the capacity to touch others in a meaningful and last way, even when we don’t realize that we have done so.

And we actually are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” The human brain, that 3 lb. mass of pink tissue behind your forehead, contains about 100 billion neurons. There are anywhere from 1,000 to 10,000 synapses in each neuron. Neurons develop at a rate of 250,000 neurons per minute during early pregnancy, and humans continue to develop new neurons throughout life due to mental activity. No computer has ever been created that remotely matches the capacity of one human brain.

I said earlier that the raw chemicals of the human body were worth about $5.00. While that is true, the synthesized components of one human body (e.g. hemoglobin) would actually cost about $56,000,000. That seems a little better doesn’t it?

Fact is, you are an amazing creation. Now, live today like you know that!

 

Comments: Please share your thoughts or questions about what it means to be human.

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The Power of Story

The stories you hear and those you tell yourself can change you more than you think.

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There is a story of two researchers who tried to create a computer that would think like a human brain. They workedstory_telling for years on this project. The human brain is amazingly powerful and complex, so they ended up with several rooms full of computer components as they attempted to match the capacity of one human brain.

The day came for them to test out their project. They typed in a question. The computer hummed for a moment, and they knew they had gotten it right when the computer responded, “You know, that reminds me of a story.”

Humans think in stories. We always have. Through the ages, people have used storytelling to convey culture, history, morals and aspirations.  In today’s world, stories are shared by movies, television programs, you tube videos, and sometimes face-to-face conversations. Even commercials utilize the power of storytelling to sell their wares.

We also tell stories in our heads. We formulate a story of our life; who we are, what we are supposed to do, how the world will treat us and what our future holds. We experience someone else’s behaviors and tell ourselves a story about why they did what they did and what they were feeling at the time. We tend to believe the stories in our heads without question.

We also respond to stories. We are moved by stories. Stories can sometimes change our minds and our hearts. Stories can serve to drive us to greatness or destruction.

People have long said that humans are hardwired for stories, but we are just now seeing clear scientific evidence for why this is true. Dr. Paul Zak, a neuroscientist, has made great strides in illuminating the brain chemistry stimulated by hearing stories. A decade ago, his lab discovered that a brain chemical called Oxytocin is produced when we are trusted or shown kindness, and that this same chemical then motivates us to be more cooperative with others. Recently, they  found that listening to motivational, inspirational or character driven stories stimulates the brain’s release of Oxytocin, and that those with higher Oxytocin production were more likely to donate, or give time, to others. Finally, they were able to locate the areas of the brain that were most changed by stories.

So, choose your stories carefully. Choose the stories you listen to or watch via television or movies. They may change you more than you imagine. Also, choose the stories in your head carefully. The stories you tell yourself about your life, your relationships and your future may change you even more.

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Choose Your Assumptions Wisely

Negative Assumptions Can Have a Massive Impact on Your Life.

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“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.”

                                                              Henry Ford

 

 

What if you could change your life with one simple choice? What if you could improve your mood, your self-esteemchoices and your relationships by one decision? It’s not quite that simple, but choosing the correct assumption can make quite a difference. In fact, the topic of choosing assumptions is so important that I’ll cover it as a three-session series.

We all make assumptions every day. We usually make them without conscious thought. Yet, our assumptions impact so many areas of our lives. We make assumptions about other’s thoughts, intentions or feelings, about our own capabilities and about the future.

We make an assumption any time we believe something to be true, but have no actual proof that it is true. We think we know, even though we don’t know. We usually believe the assumption without question, and right or wrong, that belief guides our thinking, our actions and our emotions.

For example, imagine that you’re considering going back to school for a nursing degree. You have often imagined yourself in uniform, working in a hospital. You have a fascination with medicine and like to help others. A career in nursing is your dream.

As you consider returning to school, you have two possible assumptions. In option A, you assume that you have the ability to pass the nursing courses, graduate with the degree and pass the state nursing exam. In option B, you assume that you do not have the ability and that you will fail. Only one of the assumptions is true.

If you assume that (A) is true, you will submit your application, sign up for the courses and move forward. If you assume (B) to be true, you will continue in your current situation, without ever making an attempt. You will never know whether or not you could have been a nurse. You will never have your dream.

As you can see, the assumption you choose makes a huge difference. And it is a choice, because you cannot know whether or not you can successfully complete nursing school unless you try. Choosing the negative assumption (B) closes off all possibilities. The choice dictates the outcome.

As stated above, we often make assumptions without conscious thought. We don’t recognize that we are making a choice, or that a different assumption is even possible.

Try to become more aware of your assumptions. Unless you have absolute proof, your belief is an assumption, not fact. Consider the possibility that your assumption might be wrong, and that an opposing assumption might be the truth. How might your life be different if you had made different assumptions? How might your future be different if you question your current assumptions?

Next week, we’ll look at the impact of your assumptions on your relationships.

 

Comments: How have your assumptions impacted your decision-making and the path of your life? How do you plan to be more conscious of your assumptions in the future?

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Consider the Source of Your Self-Esteem Wounds

Recognizing the True Nature of Those Who Hurt You

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Most people with self-esteem difficulties can trace their wounds back to a family member or caretaker who was yelling_parentharshly critical, rejecting, abandoning or abusive. Those people’s behaviors toward the child conveyed messages that he or she was defective, bad or not good enough.  Later, those self-esteem wounds were deepened by a few relationships where the individual received similar negative treatment.

Often, the individual can identify others in their lives who treated them with love and respect, but the negative messages seems to dominate. I’m not sure why this occurs, but the child’s self-esteem seems to be impacted more by the negative caretakers than by the positive ones. Oh, they love the positive people and enjoy spending time with them, but their self-beliefs tend to be molded by the negative people.

A few years ago, I created an exercise where I ask clients to compose a list of people who have conveyed positive messages about them, and a list of people who have been negative about them. The lists can include people from their past and present. They can also include family members, friends, co-workers and teachers. When finished, they have two lists of names; those who made them feel valuable and competent and those who made them feel inadequate or unimportant.

Try doing this now. Write down (or at least mentally identify) your personal list of positive and negative people. You may have some people who could fit on both lists, but try to put most on one side or the other. Now consider the following questions.

  1. Which group would you say that you like the most, the positive or the negative? You may love people on both lists, but which do you like most?

Almost everyone says that they like the positive people most. The choice isn’t difficult.

  1. Which group would you say that you trust the most, positive or negative?

For example, if you needed an opinion about someone you had never met, which group’s opinions about the person would you trust most? Most choose the positive group.

  1. Which of the two groups are the most mentally healthy or stable?

In your estimation, which group demonstrates characteristics of mentally healthy people? Most say the positive.

  1. Do people in the negative group treat others negatively as well, or are they just negative toward you?

Have you seen them treat others as they treated you? Do you recall thinking that their treatment of someone wasn’t fair or warranted? Most say the negative people treated others negatively as well.

  1. Which group’s opinions of you do you seem to think about the most?

Which group has had a more powerful impact on your perceptions of yourself? Which group most deeply influenced the way you defined yourself? Unfortunately, most people say the negative group. The wounds of the negative group seem to dominate.

 

So, the end conclusion is that most people allow their self-esteem to be defined by people they don’t like, don’t trust, consider to be mentally ill and who treat others badly as well. Read that sentence again. Does it surprise you?

This exercise is designed to help people “consider the source” of their negative self-esteem beliefs. Hopefully, it will help you put the negative messages they conveyed in a more proper perspective.

 

Comments: How did this exercise impact your perspective on the negative people in your life?

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Can One’s Self-Esteem Be Too Good?

Why do some people act arrogant?

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Is it possible for a person’s self-esteem to be too good? What if a person is arrogant or conceited? What if someone arrogant_manthinks too much of themselves? I hear these questions a lot.

I don’t think it is possible for a person’s self-esteem to be too good. To understand this, we need to examine what it means to have a good self-esteem. Let’s look at the relationship of self-esteem to arrogance or conceit.

Consider the following graph:

 

Bad Self-Esteem                                       Average Self-Esteem                              Great Self-Esteem

|__________________________|__________________________|

I’m worse than others.                           I’m equal to others.                              I’m better than others.

I’m not good enough.                            I’m as good as others.                                      I’m the best.

 

If you accept this graph, it would be possible for someone to have an inflated, arrogant or conceited self-esteem. I believe this graph to be inaccurate, and would substitute the following graph.

 

 

Bad Self-Esteem                                                                                    Healthy Self-Esteem

|____________________________________________|

I’m worse than others.                                                                         I’m equal to others.

I’m not good enough.                                                                           I’m as good as others.

I’m better than others.

I’m the best.

 

According to this graph, a truly healthy self-esteem means that the person perceives herself as equal to others, not better or worse. A bad self-esteem is characterized by the attitude of inferiority or superiority.

 

So where does arrogant behavior come from? I believe it stems directly from a low self-esteem. When someone has a low self-esteem, he can react by acting inferior, or he can hide the self-esteem wounds by acting superior or arrogant.

 

His outward behaviors may appear conceited. He may even tell himself that he is superior. But his behavior and thoughts are simply efforts to deny inner self-esteem wounds. His arrogant behaviors are attempts to draw attention to himself and present a positive impression on others. He often puts others down to elevate his own position.

 

Think about it. If one truly has a healthy self-esteem, he has no need to act arrogant. He feels comfortable with himself and doesn’t need to build himself up. He doesn’t need to brag or elevate his position, because he realizes he, like all other people, has intrinsic worth. He doesn’t compare himself with others, because he knows that he, like others, has strengths and weaknesses, that he will perform better than others in some areas, and worse than others in other areas.

 

From the Christian view, a healthy self-esteem means that the person recognizes the reality of self. She knows that she is a sinner like everyone else, and that she can do nothing in her own strength. However, she also knows that she is precious and loved by her Creator. She rests in the knowledge that she is unconditionally loved and not alone. This perspective leaves no room for arrogance or conceit.

 

The individual with good self-esteem tries to treat others with respect, recognizing that she is equal to others, and that they are equal to her. Given this perspective, wouldn’t it be a better world if everyone had a good self-esteem.

 

 

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the position that arrogant behavior is actually a cover up for low self-esteem? Please share your thoughts.

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Are You Making Jed Clampett’s Mistake?

Are Self-Esteem Wounds Causing You To Miss Out on Gifts You Already Own?

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When I was a kid, I liked to watch the Beverly Hillbillies. For those of you who are way too young, this was a Jed_Clampettsituation comedy about a poor mountaineer family who struck oil on their property, became rich, and moved into a Beverly Hills mansion. Each episode portrayed their confusion, ignorance, and occasional wisdom, as they encountered some aspect of Beverly Hills life.

Jed Clampett was the patriarch of the family. He discovered the oil when he shot into the ground, and “up came a bubbling crude.” Prior to the discovery, he and his family had lived in a little shack, with just enough food to survive.

The irony was that Jed Clampett had always been rich. He had always owned the oil. He just didn’t know it. The riches were just under the surface, waiting to be discovered.

Through the years, I have seen many people who are rich, but don’t know it. They suffer because they can’t see the gifts they already own. They mistakenly perceive themselves to be poor, so they life like they are poor.

These people aren’t living on an oil field. Their riches aren’t material or financial. Their gifts are actually much more valuable. Recognition of their gifts would certainly change their lives, even more than the Clampett’s.

Their unrecognized gifts may be personal abilities, character strengths or relationships. They fail to see these riches because of earlier self-esteem wounds. At some time in their childhood, they were led to believe that they were inadequate, defective or unimportant. Because they were just children, they believed these messages and failed to see the truth.

There was the very intelligent high school senior who never considered college because his father called him an idiot and told him that he would never amount to anything, or the talented musician and singer who never shared her music because a critical piano teacher told her that she lacked talent.

Then there was the sensitive, compassionate woman, who saw her caring nature and empathy as a weakness, because some mean girls in school made fun of her for being too emotional, or the boy who was ostracized because he his values prevented him from joining in on bullying a classmate.

There was the depressed, suicidal man who believed his family and the world would be better off without him, despite the fact that he had a loving family and many caring friends, who worried about him. Fortunately, his suicide attempt was unsuccessful, and he was able to discover the truth.

Finally, there was the woman who had been repeatedly abused and rejected in childhood and adulthood. She believed the abuse to be her fault, assuming that she had some defect that made her unlovable. She told me that she prayed every day that God would love her. I pointed out that this prayer was part of her problem. I told her that she was praying the wrong thing, because God already loved her. I suggested that she pray that God would help her see how much He loved her. She started praying this way, and initiated her healing.

Are you missing out on gifts you already possess? Are you living a life of emotional poverty, when your gifts are just below the surface? You can discover these riches, and your life can change. Just ask Jed Clampett.

 

Question: What talents, characteristics or love have you missed, because of your self-esteem wounds? How would your life change if you opened those gifts?

 

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Life is Difficult

A Tribute To Scott Peck, MD, Author of "The Road Less Traveled"

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I believe that this is one of the best opening pages I’ve ever seen to a personal growth book. I can especially relate to the last line. Think about it.

 

“Life is difficult.

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth, because once we truly see this Scott_Pecktruth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult, no longer matters.

Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, or their difficulties, as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others. I know about this moaning, because I have done my share.”       (The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, MD)

 

Comment: Please share your reactions to this quote. Thank you!

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Accepting the Gift of Forgiveness

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Today we celebrate Easter. Christians around the world celebrate the fact that Jesus conquered death and the cross.man_praising_God We remember the gift, the sacrifice and a renewed relationship with our Creator. On this day, we are again reminded that we can be forgiven of our many mistakes, failings and faults. Because He paid our debt, we can be free of guilt and shame. It’s a gift; ours for the taking…  But, do we take it?

Over my thirty-two years of doing counseling, I have seen so many people who are weighed down by the burden of their past mistakes and failings. I have listened as they listed their bad choices, actions and outcomes. They didn’t have to recall them, because they were ever present in their minds. They never forgot them.

I have listened as they assumed the role of prosecutor, jury and judge, while laying out the evidence of their inadequacy and unworthiness. They presented their case, passed their verdict and handed down their sentence.

Unfortunately, the sentence was always life. It was a lifetime of shame, self-criticism, and sadness. There didn’t seem to be any parole or pardon. There was no hope of future freedom. The cell door was welded shut. There was no key.

Interestingly, most of these people were Christians, and fully believed in God’s forgiveness. They easily accepted the fact that any sin can be forgiven and forgotten, making the sinner clean, pure and free. They accepted this fact for everyone else, but not for themselves. Against all logic, they felt that they were somehow different. The couldn’t apply the truth to themselves.

In the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries, there was a religious group called the flagellants. They believe they must continually offer penance for their sins, and thus walked around whipping themselves on the back. The whips were often laced with sharp objects to increase the damage. Their bleeding and their scars served as a testimony to their inadequacy and shame.

Do you recite your list of mistakes in your mind? Have you sentenced yourself to a life sentence of self-criticism, self-blame and shame? Do you keep your self-esteem wounds open by continually picking at them or examining them?

Wouldn’t today be a great day to stop? Of course, you can’t stop such a habit in one day, but you can begin the journey. If you believe that Easter means that forgiveness is available, then today would be a good day to accept it, and begin the process of forgiving yourself.

To do this, you will have to remind yourself daily that your self-blame is unnecessary. You will have to apply the same rules of forgiveness to yourself that you have previously applied to others. You will have to catch yourself each time that you whip yourself with self-criticism; each time you re-live your past failings. You will have to be persistent. It will be worth it. Today, accept the gift of Easter!

 

Question: What steps have you taken to let go of your past, and forgive yourself? Your ideas might help someone else.

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The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Your Relationships

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This is the third article in my series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. Today, we’ll look at the impact of these Self-Esteem and Relationshipswounds on relationships. We’ll examine how your choices, your perceptions and your reactions in relationships can be altered by self-esteem wounds.

A self-esteem wound is a negative belief about self that has been created by previous negative experiences. Such wounds can be classified as person wounds or performance wounds.

A person wound means that the individual believes that he is not likeable or lovable. He may expect or anticipate rejection.  Person wounds are produced when an individual experiences rejection or emotional distance from some family members or friends.

Performance wounds mean that the person believes that she is inadequate or not able to perform as well as others. She will anticipate that others are judging her and being critical. Performance wounds are created when one experiences harsh or frequent criticism or judgment during childhood.

Our Reactions:

First, let’s look at the impact of these wounds on your reactions in relationships. Scar tissue is more sensitive than the surrounding skin. Likewise, a self-esteem wound makes us more sensitive in that particular area.

Person wounds make us much more sensitive to incidents of rejection, disengagement or distance by others. When we are left out, we feel it more deeply. We hurt more intensely. Our reactions to perceived rejection are more intense or pronounced. Our partners may be confused and feel that we are overreacting. Conflicts may develop.

Performance wounds are similar. They make us more sensitive to incidents of criticism or judgment. We experience a deeper hurt when we feel criticized or judged. Our reactions may be anger and defensiveness or shutting down and distancing, but they are intense. Our partners may be not understand why we felt criticized or feel that we are overeating. Again, conflicts may ensue.

Our Perceptions:

Perception is the brain’s attempt to make sense of the world. Our senses send patterns of electrical signals to the brain. The brain then has to put those signals together in a way that makes sense and has meaning. For example, when you look at a flower, your eye sends patterns of electrical signals to your brain. It doesn’t send a picture of a flower. Your brain has to interpret those signals, based on prior experience, and identify those signals as a flower. This works perfectly most of the time, but perception can be distorted at times. We see examples of this when we look at optical illusions.

Perceptions of social or relationship events work in much the same way. We observe a person’s words, facial expressions, body position and behaviors and have to make sense of the information. Our brain puts the data together in a way that makes sense to us. We “read between the lines” and conclude more than we actually know. We assume what the other person is thinking or feeling, based on an interpretation of their tone of voice or facial expression. Like the flower example, our brains interpret the information based on prior experience. If we have experienced rejection in the past, we anticipate rejection and often perceive rejection, when it really isn’t there. Likewise, prior experiences of criticism or judgment cause us to perceive that others are criticizing us even when they aren’t doing so.

We don’t react to other’s actual intensions or feelings, because we can’t know those. We react to our perceptions of their intension or feelings. When we misperceive, problems occur. Conflicts and confusion follow.

Our Choices:

This issue is a bit complicated, but here goes. Our self-esteem wounds often have an impact on our choices of partners. We tend to find ourselves in relationships with people who frequently touch our wounds. Those with performance wounds (who are sensitive to criticism and judgment) tend to feel more attracted to people who seem critical or judgmental; people who seem hard to please. Those with person wounds (who are sensitive to rejection) of more attracted to people who seem distant or uncaring.

The pattern can be even more extreme. We often see the son of the alcoholic parent later marry the woman with alcohol or drug problems. Or we see the daughter of the abusive parent in an abusive marriage. Of course, this is not always true, but it often occurs.

It is important to note here that the partner rarely exhibits those behaviors in the beginning of the relationship. He or she isn’t critical, distant or abusive in the early stages of the relationship. Those behaviors don’t start until the relationship is firmly established.

Also, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you are in a relationship with the wrong person. It means that you have to work through how you react to those behaviors. Successful relationships can develop if we react to the other’s criticism or distance with vulnerable assertiveness. Being assertive, while sharing our hurts (not anger), can often bring relationship healing. Of course, we have to protect ourselves from abuse.

As I said, this issue is complicated. You can read more in “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

 

Question: Have you seen the impact of self-esteem wounds on your relationships? What steps have you found helpful in addressing such issues?