Tag Archives: self-criticism

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It May Not Be About You

Realizing that we are not the center of the universe can be a big relief.

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This article is part of a series on types of negative thinking and their impact on self-esteem and relationships. The types of negative thinking are at the core of Cognitive/Behavioral Psychotherapy, and presented in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.

Like it or not, our tendency is to see ourselves as the center of our universe. We perceive events as good or bad based on how they impact us. We interpret other’s actions as a statement of how they feel about us or what they are thinking about us. We act like it’s all about us. The perception that we are the center of our universe is also called egocentrism.

We tend to be most egocentric as young children. I’ve never seen this, but it’s said that if you catch a toddler at exact the right stage of cognitive development, and ask her why the sun rises, she will say, “So I can see.” Then, if you ask her why the sun sets, she will say, “So I can sleep.

As we grow and mature, the tendency lessons, but doesn’t completely go away. Some adults are more egocentric than others, but everyone has moments where they feel that it’s all about them.

The danger of egocentrism is that it can lead us to false and hurtful assumptions. Because we always believe our own assumptions, our thoughts, feelings, and reactions are based on them. The two most common problems associated with egocentrism are (a) perceiving disapproval, and (b) self-blame.

When we are egocentric, we perceive that others are thinking about us more than they actually are. We believe that others are watching us, and often, that they are disapproving of us. We imagine their thoughts about our appearance or our actions. Many people experience social anxiety because they imagine constant scrutiny from others.

The reality is that other people are too busy thinking about themselves and their lives to be focusing much attention on us. As an illustration, I will sometimes ask a student to tell me what their best friend was wearing that morning at school. Even though they spent much of the day with them, they couldn’t recall. Or I might ask an adult to describe the other people who were in the drug store with them, as they shopped that morning. They can’t recall anyone. I then remind them that others don’t notice them either.

A second problem with egocentrism is that a tendency to blame yourself for any negative life event. You feel like you must have done something to create the negative outcome. Of course, this may be true, but often, it is not. One common example is the tendency for a parent to blame himself for his teenager’s negative choices, without recognizing that there are many factors influencing the child. Another example is when someone treats us badly, and we assume we must have done something to deserve it. We may have done something, and should take responsibility when we have, but we may be innocent. When someone treats you badly, it usually says more about who they are, at least in that moment, than it says about who you are.

In Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy, we call our tendencies to blame ourselves personalization. We all do it at times, but it’s rarely healthy. Watch your thinking. Notice how often you assume others are watching you and judging you, even though you have no real evidence. Also notice how often you blame yourself for a negative situation, even though you can’t identify what you might have done wrong. Remembering that it’s not all about you can be a good thing.

 

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Overgeneralization

Using words like always and never can hurt our self-esteem and our relationships.

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This article is part of a series on types of negative thinking and their impact on self-esteem and relationships. The types of negative thinking are at the core of Cognitive/Behavioral Psychotherapy, and presented in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.

We all experience negative events. Everyone makes mistakes and lives with some negative traits or characteristics.overgeneralization It’s part of the human experience.

We exhibit overgeneralization thinking when we react to a negative experience with thoughts such as, “This always happens to me” or “I can’t do anything right.” We perceive a singular negative experience as if it is the rule.

Overgeneralization can be applied to ourselves, as in “I always mess up” or to our circumstances, as in “Things never work out for me” or to others, as in “They’re all lazy.” Regardless of the application, such thinking is inaccurate and destructive.

When pressed, we usually acknowledge that overgeneralization isn’t entirely accurate. We don’t always mess up. We can do some things right. Sometimes, things actually do work out for us. Just not as often as we would like. And, no group of people are universally lazy.

We may intellectually know the truth, but overgeneralization still hurts. When we make such statements in our thinking, we feel as if they are true. We feel the same frustration, self-criticism or anger that we would feel if they were true.

The brain is a bit like a computer; garbage in – garbage out. True or false, accurate or inaccurate, our brains react to our thoughts, as they are stated. Thus, having the thought “I can’t do anything right” creates the same feelings as if we actually couldn’t do anything right. We feel beaten down.

Overgeneralization also has a major impact on our relationships. Thinking of your spouse in terms like “He never does anything for me” or “She always puts me down” can set a tone for the relationship that is difficult to overcome. Again, you may intellectually know that the statement is not entirely accurate, but the damage is done. And when the statements are spoken out loud, we respond, usually appropriately, with defensiveness.

Be careful about any statement that includes the terms “never” or “always.” They’re usually inaccurate, and can do significant damage to our self-esteem, our views on life, and our relationships.

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All-Or-Nothing Thinking

Expectations of perfection can damage our self-esteem or our relationships.

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Today, I’m starting a series of articles about various forms of negative thinking, and the ways each impacts our lives and our self-esteem. These negative thinking patterns have been a core component of Cognitive/Behavioralperfectionism Psychotherapy for many years. Dr. David Burns did a nice job of defining them in his book, “The Feeling Good Handbook.” I would recommend Dr. Burns book to anyone who wants to understand more about Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy in general or the negative thinking patterns in particular. It can be found on Amazon and in most book stores.

In this article, we’ll look at All-Or-Nothing Thinking, which can also be called perfectionism. All-Or-Nothing thinking occurs when we believe that something must be exactly the way we want or expect it to be, and that nothing less is acceptable. This thinking pattern can be applied to ourselves, to our life situations or to our judgment of someone else. I also call this thinking pattern, light switch thinking, because the light is either on or off. There is no in between.

When applied to ourselves, all-or-nothing thinking reflects perfectionism. We feel that our performance must meet our standards exactly, or it is totally unacceptable. Anything less than an A grade is awful. The paper must not have any mistakes or corrections. We can’t make any errors, or we are terrible. We beat ourselves up whenever we mess up, even in a minor way. We expect performance from ourselves, that we would never expect from anyone else.

The problem with this is that it is an impossible expectation. As humans, we are imperfect. We mess up. We make mistakes. Holding ourselves to an impossible standard only results in our feeling inadequate. As a result, we feel pain, pressure and stress.

When we apply all-or-nothing thinking to our life situations, we get upset whenever circumstances fail to live up to our expectations. We imagine an outcome or an experience, then get angry or depressed when it doesn’t occur the way we planned.

Again, such expectations are doomed to fail, since each life is filled with some disappointment. Life just doesn’t happen as we would like. The dream must be adjusted to fit the reality. To be happy or content, we have to learn to accept our life, even if it doesn’t conform to our dream.

When we apply all-or-nothing thinking to other people, we tend to become an unrealistic taskmaster. We become upset with others, because they fall short of our expectations. We maintain that they “should” have done better. They should have done it our way. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never found this kind of thinking to work very well.

Now, there is nothing wrong with striving for self-improvement, setting goals for our life, or expecting others to treat us well. We just run into problems whenever we are perfectionistic about it.  If you find yourself having all-or-nothing thinking, try to ease up a bit. Consider the option of “good enough,” rather than perfect. See if it doesn’t make life a bit easier.

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Putting Someone Else in Your Shoes

Try this exercise to put your mistakes in proper perspective.

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We’ve all heard the phrase, “Don’t judge a man unless you have walked in his shoes.” It reminds us that we can’t avoiding self-judgmentknow or judge another person’s choices or actions unless we haven’t been in his situation. It is a good idea. Keeps us from being quite so judgmental.

Today, I want to recommend a different version. Consider this version, “Don’t judge yourself until you have put someone else in your shoes.”

Every day, I meet people who judge themselves harshly. They treat their mistakes as horrible, and worse, unforgivable. They get mad at themselves when they mess up. They criticize themselves harshly in their minds. Sometimes their self-talk borders on self-abuse.

Also, there doesn’t seem to be an end to their self-judgment. The mistake may have occurred yesterday, or many years ago. It doesn’t matter. Their self-judgment for the mistake is constant over time. I sometimes ask them exactly how long their sentence is. I’ve seen murderers get off with shorter sentences. These self-critical people have no date for parole or release.

To put our mistakes in better perspective, I ask these people to imagine putting someone else in their shoes. I ask them to identify a person in their mind that they like and respect, but someone they could imagine possibly being in their situation.

I ask them to imagine that this person was in their exact situation. Imagine that they made the exact same mistake, under the exact same circumstances. Then, imagine that they felt the same remorse or self-criticism; same situation, same mistake, same reaction to the mistake.

I then ask them how they would judge the person in their mind. Not what they would say to the person, because they might be nice or kind, but what they would think in their mind.

Almost immediately, they will say that they would judge the other person less harshly. They would usually see the mistake as less catastrophic, and they would see it as more easily forgivable. They would see it as just a mistake.

Our judgment of the other person more accurately reflects our true assessment of the situation. It isn’t biased by our tendencies to be hard on ourselves. This exercise helps us put our mistakes or deficits in better perspective.

I have used this technique with myself most of my adult life. Whenever I make a mistake, I put someone else in my shoes, and ask myself how I would judge them. I don’t let myself be any harsher with myself or any easier on myself than I would the other person. It has helped me many times. Try it and see how it works for you.

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Helping A Loved One With Low Self-Esteem

We often feel helpless when trying to help someone with negative beliefs about self.

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Do you have that friend who believes that she’s ugly, even though she is actually very attractive? Or perhaps you haveHelping someone with low self-esteem a friend who gives up on his dreams because he thinks he lacks the ability, but you know he could do it. Do you have a loved one who suffers from depression or anxiety because she believes she is less than she really is?

We all know someone like this, and it hurts. It hurts to love someone who doesn’t love or respect himself. It hurts to see them living a limited life, because of self-limiting, and false, beliefs.

We want to help. We try to help. But, how do we do it? If you’re like most, you try to argue with the person. You say things like, “You are not ugly. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You can do anything you want to do.”

How does that work? I suspect not very well. They don’t believe you. They think your words are kind, but untrue. They don’t change their beliefs. They continue to suffer.

I like this quote from Seth Godin:

People don’t believe what you tell them.

They rarely believe what you show them.

They often believe what their friends tell them.

They always believe what they tell themselves.

This is particularly true when it comes to helping someone change a negative believe about self. We have to take our time, listen first, then try to help them look at their belief from a different perspective. It still doesn’t always work, but it definitely works better than an argument.

Of example, I have found the technique of “putting someone else in your shoes” to be very helpful. Let’s say that I have made a mistake. I’m not imagining that it was a mistake. I actually did mess up, and I’m tempted to be very self-critical and beat myself up. I immediately picture someone I know in my mind. I identify someone that I like and respect. I imagine how I would feel if my friend made the exact same mistake, under the exact same circumstances. I also imagine that they are feeling badly like myself.

I then ask myself how I would judge that person. I don’t ask myself what I would say to them, because I might tend to be kind. I ask myself how I would actually feel about that person making the same mistake, under the same conditions. Then, I never let myself be any harder on myself, or any easier on myself, than I would to my friend.

If my conclusion for my friend would be that he couldn’t actually help it, or that he should let it go, then that is what I tell myself. If my conclusion would be that he should be more careful and make amends to the hurt party, then that is also what I tell myself. In other words, I apply the same rules and consequences to myself that I would apply to anyone else.

It’s amazing how often this exercise tempers any tendency to be harsh with myself or to beat myself up. Try it some time, and see how it works for you, or for your loved one. Again, if we can get them to see themselves from a different perspective, they may be able to tell themselves a different story about who they are. Wouldn’t that be nice?

 

Comments: Have you found some ways help someone, or yourself, see themselves in a more positive light. Please share.

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Motivation by the Carrot or the Stick

Does reward or punishment work better as a self-motivation?

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Do you tend to use a carrot or a stick on yourself? This idiom refers to the idea that a cart driver can use a carrot or amotivation by reward or punishment stick to motivate a horse to move forward, thus pulling the cart. The horse will either move forward by the enticement of the carrot, or by the avoidance of punishment via the stick.

Research suggests that some people are more responsive to reward and others more responsive to punishment. Interestingly, it seems that genetics may determine which works better for you. Some people are genetically more responsive to dopamine, while others are more responsive to serotine, and this seems to make the difference.

Research also suggests, however, that punishment can create unexpected and unwanted outcomes. Sometimes punishment can backfire by actually increasing the undesired behavior, creating negative emotions or increasing aggression.

The impact of the carrot or stick choice can really be seen when we are trying to motivate ourselves. We can motivate ourselves by setting up rewards for getting tasks done. For example, we might give ourselves a night out as a reward for cleaning out a closet.

We can also reward ourselves by imagining or visualizing the natural positive consequences of working hard and completing a task. I did this during graduate school, as I imagined myself enjoying working in my private practice, as a motivation to work hard on my doctoral studies. It really did work to keep me going during the hard times.

People use punishment on themselves when they put themselves down or criticize themselves for poor performance. They beat themselves up, and claim this is necessary to make them try harder. It almost never works, and reminds me of the old poster saying, “The beatings in this company will continue until morale improves.”

So today, watch your thinking to see whether you use a carrot or stick on yourself. Consider the possibility that your self-punishment is actually hurting your performance. Try visualizing the positive results when you accomplish a task, or promising yourself a pleasurable activity for task success. I think you’ll find that it works better as a motivation, and doesn’t damage your self-esteem.

 

Comments: Please share some of your experiences with the motivators of reward and punishment.

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You’re Not Alone

Self-Esteem Wounds Can Make Us Feel Like Our Problems Are Unique.

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Do you sometimes feel that everyone else has it all together except you? Do you feel that others don’t worry as muchperson_in_crowd as you, or that others don’t suffer from the insecurities that haunt you? Does it seem that they feel more confident, comfortable or content than you?

Perhaps you feel that your life circumstances are more difficult than others. It just seems that others are less plagued by the hardships you endure. Of course, you know better. It doesn’t take much effort to remember someone whose problems outweigh your own. When you think of their pain, you feel guilty for bemoaning your own lesser problems. Even when we know better, we often feel that our problems are unique, and that others are somehow free of similar afflictions. We feel alone.

This perception is fostered by the fact that most people try to act like they actually do “have it all together.” We try to act cool, calm and collected. We want to appear okay. After all, the common response to the question, “How are you?” is “Fine.”

The perception is also fostered by the Facebook phenomenon. So many people read other’s Facebook posts about their wonderful vacations, children and spouses and wonder, “What am I doing wrong?”

It’s really unfortunate that most people try so hard to appear as if they have it all together. It makes us feel like we are unique in our insecurities. So of course, we then have to try harder to act like we have it altogether. Seems a bit circular, doesn’t it?

The fact is that the human condition is shared by all humans. If they look like you on the outside (you know, two eyes, a nose and a mouth) they are probably a lot like you on the inside. If anyone tells you that they never experience insecurities, it just means that they’re too insecure to be honest.

You might benefit from a shift in attention. Rather than focusing your attention on how others see you, focus on really looking at others. Really listen to them. Try to understand others on a deeper level. Try to listen with empathy or compassion. I have found that it is impossible to be self-conscious and other-conscious at the same time. Even when you can’t see it, assume that they too have their story. Listen for it. See if you can help. You’ll feel better for it.

Comment: Share an experience that helped you realize that your feelings or difficulties were not unique to you.

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Is Your Self-Doubt Killing Your Dreams?

You Can Conquer Self-Doubt and Achieve Your Purpose!

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Self-doubt is a ruthless dream killer.

Yesterday, I talked with someone who has huge potential. He is intelligent, kind, thoughtful and has a good depressed_man_001personality. He described a dream he has held since middle school. His dream was a good one. I could feel his excitement as he shared the plans he had made, his educational goals, and his visions of his future day-to-day activities.

He then shared how his dreams fell apart. He lamented that he was now in his mid-thirties, and that he had totally given up on the dream. He explained that, while his interests and personality led him in the direction of the dream, he had “realized” that he just didn’t have the ability.

He related a series of events that made him question his abilities. He felt he just was not smart enough to do it. He had settled for a lower, less demanding path. He gave up on his dream. Actually, his self-doubt had killed the dream.

Self-doubt seems to be found deep in our core being. It is often just under our conscious awareness. We don’t consciously think about self-doubt. Rather, we think the thoughts that are generated by our self-doubt. Thoughts such as, “I don’t think I’m cut out for this” or “I’m not smart enough for that” or “Nobody will want to read my writing.” The thoughts slip through our minds so easily that we barely notice them.

As I talked with the young man, I asked him what he would recommend to a friend in the same situation. He quickly said he would tell the friend to go for his dreams. He then added that his friends had told him the same.

We then discussed small steps he could take to move forward toward his dreams. The small steps seemed much more manageable for him. He made a commitment to start investigating his options.

Everyone has self-doubt at times. The severity of self-doubt depends on the individual’s experience. Those who experienced harsh criticism or academic difficulties usually carry a greater amount of self-doubt.

Pay attention to your self-doubt tendencies. Consider the possibility that your self-doubt is based more on your prior negative experiences, rather than on your actual abilities.

My hope is that you will pursue your dreams and not give up until you’re living them!

 

Comments: Share your experiences of pursuing and attaining your dreams, despite moments of self-doubt.

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Seven Ways Your Self-Critical Brain is like a Terrorist

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All too often, I have seen the damage done by self-criticism. I have shared the message that self-esteem wounds andterrorist self-critical thoughts are learned, but not accurate. I have pointed out the fact that such thinking is destructive and dangerous.

I thought that this comparison might get the message across. Here are seven ways that your self-critical brain is like a terrorist.

 

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist began as innocents without hate.

You weren’t born self-critical. You were born innocent and precious just any other baby. You had no positive or negative self-esteem. Likewise, the terrorist was not born hating others. He was like any other innocent baby. You weren’t born hating or criticizing yourself either.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist were given the wrong messages.

The terrorist was taught to hate. The terrorist was taught that certain others were the enemy. The negative messages you received, early in your childhood, taught you to dislike yourself. The messages taught you that you were the enemy and you’ve treated yourself that way ever since. Those messages were destructive lies. The terrorist’s messages were as well.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist were restricted from hearing the right messages.

The terrorist was surrounded by people who preached a message of hate. In childhood, most terrorists were not exposed to outside influences. He didn’t have the opportunity to see that other groups were made up of humans much like him. Later in life, he may have been exposed to people outside his group, but he looked at them with distrust. His attention focused on the negative characteristics of the “others.” His skewed perceptions only strengthened his belief that the “others” were the enemy and should be hurt or eliminated.

Likewise, your self-critical brain restricts you from hearing right messages. You pay attention to the times when you are criticized or when you fail. Your brain discounts your successes as luck, or as unimportant. You imagine others are criticizing you, even when they aren’t thinking of you at all. As a result, you are impacted by the negative messages and are restricted from positive experiences.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist simply absorbed what was given.

A sponge will soak up whatever it is exposed to. If it is placed in pure, clean water, it will soak it up. If it is exposed to acid, it will soak that up as easily. The sponge doesn’t differentiate. Children are the same. If a child is exposed to messages of hate and terror, they will soak that up. If they are exposed to messages of criticism and inadequacy, they will absorb that as well.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist consistently act on their beliefs.

A terrorist seems to be consistent. His choices, thoughts and emotions are guided by his learned beliefs of hate. He may not be doing anything destructive right now, but he is simply waiting on the opportunity. Your self-critical brain is also consistent. Your choices, thoughts and emotions are dictated by your self-esteem wounds. A little self-examination will reveal that your self-critical perceptions infiltrate every aspect of your life.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist will hurt (or kill) you.

The terrorist is dangerous. His purpose is to hurt and kill those outside his group. He rejoices in the terrorist act, because that is his mission. Your self-critical brain will also hurt you. Each self-critical thought chips away at your sense of worth or competency. Your self-critical brain can also kill you. Most suicide victims believed the world would be better off without them. They mistakenly believed that they were a problem to the ones they loved. They then acted to eliminate the problem.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist can change.

There are a few examples of terrorists who changed their beliefs of hate. Somehow, they were able to see that those outside their group were humans just like them. They abandoned their terrorist mission. Your self-critical brain can change as well. Like the terrorist, you will have to be exposed to competing messages. You will have to see strong evidence that your self-critical beliefs were destructive and wrong. You will have to be deliberate at changing these beliefs. It will take time, but it can happen. Begin today.

You can master the tools to change your self-critical beliefs and thoughts in my book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You.” You can find it at Amazon.com:

 

 

Question: Can you see other similarities between the self-critical brain and a terrorist? Do you have any other comparisons? If so, please share.

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The True Source of Your Self-Criticism

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This is the fifth in my series on the teachings of the Bible regarding self-esteem. We are looking at various aspects of self-esteem from a scriptural perspective. So far, we have established that we are precious and loved by God, and that wwhisperinge don’t have to do anything to earn that love. The fact that we are imperfect sinners doesn’t alter His love for us in any way. Finally, we have seen that we should be humble in our relationship with God, realizing that we are totally dependent on Him.

So, if we are so precious and loved by our Father, why do we experience self-esteem difficulties and why do so many have self-critical thoughts? Why do we not recognize our true, God-given worth? Why are so many people so miserable?

To answer these questions, we have to look at scriptures on Satan and sin. In John 10:10, we are told:

Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.     John 10:10

There are various ways to interpret this verse, but I believe that Satan comes to:

-steal your proper identity as a beloved creation of God

-kill your joy in this life and

-destroy your ability to serve God.

Look at the fruits of your self-critical thoughts. Does God benefit from the names you call yourself? Do your negative assumptions of your future bring Him joy? Is His kingdom advanced by your belief that you aren’t as important or lovable as other people? Do your feelings of inadequacy help you reach out to others or share the gospel?

Satan benefits from our self-demeaning and self-critical thoughts. In fact, I believe that Satan feeds us self-critical and self-demeaning thoughts because it serves his purposes. When we have negative beliefs about ourselves, and our thoughts are bombarded by self-criticism, our behaviors and our choices change. We sometimes become negative or mean toward others, inducing pain. We certainly are being negative and mean toward ourselves. We become ineffective in sharing God’s love. We back away from important activities because we feel inadequate or unworthy. Many feel they cannot even attend church because they have done too many bad things. We don’t experience joy, and we certainly don’t experience abundant life.

In Revelation 12:10, John writes:

For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.          Rev. 12:10

 

He accuses us both day and night. Does that sound familiar?

Unfortunately, when Satan accuses us, it sounds like our own voice. We don’t recognize the source of the thought. We accept the thought without question. It becomes as natural as breathing. With each self-critical thought, he has won another battle.

Would your reaction be different if you immediately recognized those self-critical thoughts as coming from Satan? Would you listen to them and accept them if the voice sounded like Satan? Would it make a difference if the voice you heard was raspy and sinister like a movie monster? Of course it would. Unfortunately, the voice sounds like your own. You have to remind yourself of the true source. You have to catch the thoughts and refuse to listen. You have to be diligent in changing your thinking. You might try praying that God will help you stop being self-critical. He just might!