Tag Archives: relationships

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I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

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Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Luke 2:14

The Christmas carol, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” is based on the poem “Christmas Bells” by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. He wrote the poem on Christmas day in 1863, in the middle of the Civil War.

Christmas Gatherings
Peace on Earth for Christmas must begin with me.

Longfellow’s peace had been broken as his second wife of 18 years had been killed in a fire, and his son, Charles, was severely wounded in the Battle of New Hope Church, Virginia.

Most of us are familiar with the carol. It begins with the positive message that Christmas bells remind us of the hope of the season, “peace on earth, good-will to men.” The initial tone was uplifting.

Longfellow’s poem then took a dark turn. He wrote two verses with specific references to the horrors of the civil war where he described how the cannons drowned out the carols of peace on earth. These verses were in the original poem but were not included in the carol.

The next verse describes his reaction:

“And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said;
“For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

But Longfellow concludes with a message of ultimate hope.

“Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men.”

It’s such a basic message isn’t it? That in the midst of our troubles, when we’ve experienced loss, or when division and hate are overwhelming, we can be helped with a simple reminder. God is not dead, nor doth he sleep. We remember that we are not alone. God has not changed, and ultimately, the wrong shall fail, the right prevail.

It seems to me that the last line of the verse depends a bit on us. This Christmas, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could show more good-will to others, even those who are different from us or who disagree with us. Showing acts of kindness or good-will toward our fellow men might help us experience a little more peace on earth. Of course, it would have to extend beyond Christmas, but it seems like a good time to start.

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A Little Less Anger

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Most of us would like to have better control of our anger. We may regret the time we overreacted to the car that pulled out in front of us, the waitress who took forever to bring our check or the critical comment from a co-worker. We sometimes wish we could have an emotional “do-over.”

Anger can harm our physical health, our relationships and our lives.

We tend to see our emotions as an unavoidable reaction to a situation. As we stew in our irritation, we review the slight in our mind. “How could they?” “They think they own the road.” “He’s just a jerk.”

Anger is a basic human biological response designed to protect us from physical danger. When faced with a potential attacker, our anger mobilizes our body to fight or run away. Our muscles tense up. Our breathing quickens. The pupils in our eyes dilate. Our heart rate speeds up. The response is very helpful if we face an actual physical attack but can be physically and psychologically harmful if experienced frequently.

In present days we rarely fact a physical attack. Our anger is usually prompted by our thoughts. We perceive the other person’s actions to be a threat to our well-being, but fully know that there is no physical danger. Their behavior may threaten our schedule, our appearance to others, our self-esteem, our business success, but rarely our lives.

Of course, sometimes anger can be healthy if it is channeled in the right direction. I’m a big believer in assertiveness. When we are assertive, we express our needs and protect our interests, but do so without the appearance of attack. We simply state our boundaries without being offensive. We defend our own rights but do so in a way that honors the other person’s rights.

Here are some steps we can take to control our anger:

  1. Don’t assume intention. Do you know that the person’s actions were intentional? Perhaps they didn’t mean to hurt you. Perhaps they reacted to a different perception of the situation. Perhaps there was a miscommunication. Check it out before you react.
  • Don’t assume you know everything about the situation. Could there be some pertinent information that you don’t know? We tend to assume that all we see is all there is. Everyone has a story, and we only see a small part of it. Check it out before you react.
  • Ask yourself if being angry will help. Will an angry response make anything better? Usually not. The situation is what it is. Your anger may not improve the situation. It may just make you stressed, raise your blood pressure, and ruin your day.
  • Can you give yourself the gift of forgiveness by letting it go? You don’t do anything for the person who hurt you when you forgive them. You give yourself the gift. When you let an offense go and forgive, you release the stress of your anger. You relax. You move on with your day or your life.

Of course, we are all a work in progress. We will overreact at times. But sometimes when we try, we can control our emotions and better our lives. Each success means a little less stress and one more good day.

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Reminiscing Into Relationship

Reminiscing about positive moments can strengthen relationship bonds.

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Even the best relationships require work. We have to communicate, support, encourage, reminiscing into relationshipnegotiate, compromise and occasionally apologize to keep a relationship positive. Like an infant, long-term relationships require care and feeding. There is no auto-pilot for a relationship. Unfortunately, we often forget this.

 

Think of your relationship as a ship sailing across the Atlantic. When you left the dock, you were excited. You looked forward to the journey. You imagined many days of smooth sailing. You set your course and marked it with a long, straight line from one port to the next. The skies were clear and blue. The sea looked calm. The future looked good.

 

Before long, however, the winds changed direction. The ocean’s currents pushed you North or South. Your ship drifted off course. Every relationship drifts off-course at times. If you were paying attention, you noticed this and made a correction. If you noticed it quickly, the correction was easy.

 

But what if you weren’t paying attention? By the time you discovered it, your ship may have been well off-course. In that case, it would be much harder, and take much longer, to get back on course.

 

Sometimes life brings a storm. When you’re doing everything you can just to survive the storm, you can’t focus very well on staying on-course. You figure you’ll just have to work on that after the winds die down.

 

In the early stages of marital or relationship counseling, I often ask the couple to recall the best time in their relationship. Their “best” times don’t have to agree. For one, it may be when they were dating. For the other, it may be the years when their children were born. I just ask them to identify the time that seemed best for each person.

 

I then ask them to talk about what it was about that time that made it feel like the best for them. How did they feel? How did the other person make them feel about themselves? What did they do back then that made it the best time? How did they behave differently back then?

 

The exercise leads them to reminisce about their good times. Often, their moods change a bit. They sometimes connect a little in that moment. It’s such a simple thing, but reminiscing can be a powerful tool to initiate change.

 

Of course, it doesn’t fix all the problems, but it does remind you that there were better times. When your ship is off-course, it helps to remember the reason you set sail in the first place. It helps to remind yourself that that line drawn across that map still exists. With work, you still have a chance of getting back on course.

 

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Reading People

We constantly read other people. Our assumptions are often incorrect.

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Because I am a psychologist, people often ask me if I analyze people when I’m not working. Iguess the answer is yes and no. I don’t consciously make an attempt to analyze others on my days off. But, I have to admit that I often notice cues that suggest what others are feeling. I do read people, but the fact is, we all do. We all make assumptions about others.

 

Whether or not we are conscious of it, we constantly read other people. We notice their voice tone, body position, gestures, and facial expressions. We pay attention to the way they are dressed and groomed. We attend to the way they walk or stand. We form impressions or opinions about them before they open their mouths.

 

As humans, our social relationships are important. An ability to relate well to others is essential to our success and happiness. In ancient tribal days, it was a matter of life and death. If you didn’t get along with the tribe, you might get kicked out, and you didn’t survive very long in the jungle alone. This may also be the reason we tend to worry about what other’s think about us.

 

While we consciously pay attention to the words others are saying, research shows that the majority of our communication is non-verbal. UCLA professor, Albert Merhrabian, indicated that 55 percent of what we convey comes from body language, 38 percent from our tone of voice, and only 7 percent from our words.

 

Since our observations of non-verbal cues are usually unconscious, we tend to react without consciously understanding why. We may say that we have a feeling about a person or have a gut impression. Our assumptions sometimes dictate the future course of the relationship.

 

Unfortunately, sometimes our unconscious impressions are wrong. We may misread the non-verbal cues and take the relationship in the wrong direction. We may damage, or even end, otherwise good relationships based on mistaken assumptions of the other person’s feelings or intentions.

 

We sometimes misread people because of our biases or prejudices. Impressions formed from one’s clothing or physical appearance are often misleading. Assumptions that a certain type person always thinks or acts in a particular way should be avoided. Well-known body language interpretations may also be inaccurate. A person may cross their arms because they are cold, not because they are shutting you out.

 

We also misread people because of own self-esteem issues. If as children, we learned to see ourselves as unlikeable or unlovable, we will read others as rejecting, even when they aren’t. If we believe we are inadequate and tend to mess up, we will misread others as judging or disapproving of us, even when they aren’t judging us at all. Unfortunately, these mistaken impressions only serve to strengthen our pre-existing negative beliefs.

 

I’m not going to suggest that you stop reading people. You can’t help yourself. You’re going to do it, whether or not you are conscious of it. I will suggest that you make an attempt to be skeptical of your impressions. Remind yourself that your assumptions are just assumptions. Give yourself the opportunity to find out that you are wrong. You might preserve a healthy relationship.

 

 

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Relationship Boundaries

Here's a good technique to establish good relationship boundaries.

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People need people. We are hard-wired for relationship. We suffer when we don’t have friends and family. We need romantic relationships. Most of the time, ourrelationship boundaries relationships are positive, but sometimes not.

 

Often, my counseling focuses on helping my client deal with a difficult relationship. The individual may be suffering because of a relationship, which is hurtful or neglectful. The pain has reached the point where they need assistance.

 

Sometimes, we find ourselves in a relationship with a person who says or does hurtful things to us. They may be critical or demeaning. Their negative messages can come from their words, facial expressions or body language. Either way, we get the point. We feel inadequate and conclude that we can’t please them.

 

The hurtful relationship could come in the form of a cold, distance. They become disengaged. They seem to have no interest in spending time with us. They may flirt with others, or even have affairs. We feel alone, even when there is someone else in the house. We conclude that we must be boring or unlovable.

 

The intensity of negative treatment can reach the point of abuse. The abuse can be emotional, physical or sexual. An abusive relationship severely wounds the self-esteem and creates fear.

 

All relationships begin positively. We would never voluntarily enter into an abusive, hurtful relationship. At first, the other person treats us well. We enjoy spending time with them, and they seem to enjoy spending time with us. We have all kinds of positive expectations for our future together.

 

The negative treatment begins subtly, with a slight criticism or a decrease in attention. We shrug it off as the result of a bad day. We assume we deserved it. We don’t notice the slow increase in negativity or distance.

 

At some point, we are faced with the hurtful nature of the relationship, but still tend to blame ourselves. We wonder what we did wrong to deserve being treated so badly.

 

When do we say, “enough?” When do we let the other person know that we don’t deserve to be treated badly? Where should we set our boundaries?

 

You can determine your boundaries by putting a loved one in your shoes. Identify a person that you like very much or love. It could be a same-gender friend or one of your children. Imagine that they were in a relationship with a person, who treated them in exactly the same way you are being treated. Imagine that they had made the same efforts you have made to resolve the situation, but the partner continued to treat them badly. Imagine that their partner said the same negative statements, neglected them to the same degree, or was equally abusive to them.  

 

How would you feel if your loved one was being treated this way? What would you want them to do? There’s your boundary. Never allow someone to treat you in a way that you would not want someone you love to be treated. It’s a pretty simple guideline, but it works!

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I’ll Be Home for Christmas

Unrealistic expectations of holiday gatherings can deepen self-esteem wounds.

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One of my favorite Christmas cards was given to me by a client. On the front of the card, there is a photo of a beautiful snow-covered farm scene. The farm house is beautifully decorated for Christmas. The caption at the top says, “I’ll be home for Christmas.” When you open the card, the words read, “And in therapy for the next year.”

 

The card is funny, but expresses an unfortunate truth. I talk to so many people who grew up in dysfunctional families. They recall a parent’s substance abuse, an abandoning or critical parent, or constant drama and infighting through childhood. Like all children, they carried this overriding hope that the parents would change and they would at last feel the love they had longed for. Like all children, those family experiences created self-esteem wounds, where they believed that they were at fault. They mistakenly believed that they were defective, unlovable or inadequate.

 

Many of those children carry this hope of family change into adulthood. As adults, they still long for that negative, critical parent to finally be proud of them. They hope to see expressions of love, or attention from that distant or abandoning parent. Their hope is fueled by the mistaken belief that their worth is measured by the parent’s behaviors toward them. They believe that loving or accepting behaviors from the parent will mean that the defective child has finally grown into a competent and lovable adult.

 

Now, here’s where the Christmas card comes in. These people carry the hope that this time or this visit, things will be different. They hope that this Christmas, they will see the change. They may not be conscious of this hope. They may consciously realize that the negative parent won’t change until they decide to change. But, subconsciously they carry hope.

 

The person who returns home for a visit, carrying this unrealistic hope, is primed for disappointment. When the family member once again behaves critically, is rejecting, or gets drunk, that hope is shattered. The result can be anger, depression, or a deepening of an old self-esteem wound.

 

Of course, the truth is that the parent’s critical or rejecting behaviors reflect a problem with the parent, not an inadequacy in the child. And, the parent won’t change until he or she realizes the problem and has a desire to change.

 

The holidays can be a very special time of year. Enjoy the good parts. Establish your own traditions, but remember that people basically act like themselves. Try to be realistic about your expectations when you make that Christmas visit. It might save you some of the cost of therapy.

 

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The Power of Vulnerability

In our most important relationships, the ability to be vulnerable can make a world of difference.

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We usually work very hard to hide it. We present the image that we have it all together, that we are in control. Wesocial media want to appear strong. We are afraid of vulnerability.

Of course, this makes sense. Being vulnerable means that we take off our emotional armor, that we let down our defenses and that we can be more easily hurt. Sometimes, this is wise. There are hurtful people out there. There are some people we shouldn’t trust.

The problem is that we also tend to avoid vulnerability in our most important personal relationships. When our loved ones hurt us, we become defensive and try to protect ourselves. We don’t consciously decide to do this. It’s a knee-jerk response.

There are two ways that we avoid vulnerability. We become angry or we withdraw. When we’re angry, we are not vulnerable. We are protecting ourselves or defending our position. Our words, facial expressions and body language tells the other person to back off.

The second way to avoid vulnerability is to withdraw. We can withdraw physically by staying away from the other person altogether, spending time away from home or just going into a different room. We can also withdraw emotionally, where we remain physically present, but emotionally disconnect. We can just not talk, or say as little as possible. Either way, we avoid being vulnerable.

Unfortunately, our attempts to avoid vulnerability wounds the relationship. When we are angry, the other person feels attacked, judged or disapproved of. When we withdraw, the other person feels that we don’t care. They respond to their hurt by withdrawing or acting angry, thus forming a negative vicious cycle. Over time, the relationship can be destroyed.

So, what happens when we deliberately make ourselves vulnerable to the loved one? When we express hurt, rather than anger or withdrawal, we get a totally different response. Think about it. When your loved one shares that you hurt them, without anger or withdrawal, your automatic response is to reach out to them and make them feel better. You want to make it right. This would most likely be their response to your hurt as well.

We tend to associate vulnerability with weakness. Actually, it’s the exact opposite. It takes courage to be vulnerable. It takes strength to take off your armor, and allow the other person to see your heart. It goes against our instincts. But, it’s the only way we can truly heal relationship wounds and establish emotional intimacy.

So, when your spouse or loved one hurts you, you have a choice. You can react with anger or withdrawal or you can make a deliberate effort to express your hurt. I think you will find that your partner’s reactions are quite different when you do so.

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The Dangers of Social Media (Part 2)

The lack of non-verbal cues in text conversations can lead to miscommunications.

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Last week, I wrote about the concern that too much electronic communication can impair the development of normal social skills. When children primarily connect via social media, they have fewer opportunities to read non-verbalsocial media miscommunications behaviors. Today, we’ll look at another danger of a too much electronic communication.

In my psychotherapy practice, I have seen many relationship difficulties created by social media miscommunication. Some have experienced unnecessary texting conflicts. Others have suffered the worsening of an existing conflict, or a relationship ending entirely.

Texting conversations lack the non-verbal cues that clarify communications. Even in face-to-face conversations, we tend to assume other’s thoughts or intentions. We all do mind-reading, where we assume how others feel or think. This tendency is compounded when our only information is the written word.

Facial expressions, tone of voice or vocal inflection can totally change the meaning or a message. For example, take the phrase, “I don’t understand what you mean.” These words could be a simple request for clarification or a confrontation. Non-verbal communications can clarify the difference. When texting, you are forced to imagine the tone or the facial expression of the person typing the words.

So, let’s imagine how this could go badly. You are texting a friend about an emotionally sensitive issue. They make a statement that is unclear to you. You want clarification, so you text, “I don’t understand what you mean.” The other person imagines that you are disapproving of, or challenging their opinion. They become defensive and respond, “I think I have a right to my opinion.” Now, you become defensive and either respond with a critical statement or don’t respond at all. The interchange ends with both people feeling irritated with the other. It didn’t have to end that way.

If the same conversation had occurred face-to-face, your softer facial expression and tone of voice would have likely clarified that you were simply uncertain about what they meant. They would have elaborated and the relationship may have been strengthened.

For better or worse, social media is here to stay. It has many benefits, but it also has dangers. While enjoying its benefits, we need to be aware of its deficits. Give yourself the opportunity to enjoy face-to-face communications. Your relationships will benefit from it.

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The Dangers of Social Media (Part 1)

We lose something when our communication becomes limited to social media.

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This weekend, my wife and I were at a restaurant. A family of three were at a nearby table; a mom, dad and a cute little girl about age seven. Our attention was drawn to the fact that the parents were deeply engrossed in their social mediaindividual cell phones. Their eyes were glued to their phones, with their thumbs rapidly texting. The little girl sat silently staring into space.

After about ten minutes of this, the little girl began to talk to herself. Neither parent noticed. She then slid toward father and leaned on his shoulder to view his phone, obviously trying to get his attention. Thankfully, the parents did put their phones away when the food came, and seemed to engage with each other as they ate.

On another day, I saw a family that seemed to consist of a grandfather, two parents and two teenage daughters. Everyone except the grandfather was similarly engrossed in a cell phone. The grandfather sat silently and stared into space.

I don’t describe these scenes to criticize the families. I don’t know these people, and they may generally engage with each other quite well. I describe these events because they are all too common. I believe we have all seen similar scenes where people are physically present with each other, but give all their attention to their phones. It’s an all too common scene.

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair, psychologist and author of “The Big Disconnect” notes that human beings are highly attuned to reading social cues, and that kids addicted to electronic communications are missing out on the opportunity to learn very critical social skills. Today, it seems that teenagers are learning to communicate by looking at a screen rather than another person. When children grow up with decreased opportunities to read social cues, they may suffer in their ability to do so.

Social media was touted as a mechanism for increased connection. In many ways, the opposite has occurred. With so much time being devoted to electronic material, we have little time for face-to-face conversations. We miss so much, and we don’t even realize it is happening.

Consider taking a break from social media, turning it off and unplugging. Sit down for a genuine, face-to-face conversation with a friend or family member. Look into their eyes as you talk to them. Really listen, as they speak. I think you’ll like it. True connection is hard to beat.

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The Violin Nobody Wanted

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ImageThis post is a little longer than most. I have had several requests to share the following story from my book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart.” I hope you enjoy it!

Once there was a family that bought an old house. The prior owners had moved out of the house some time earlier, so this new family never met them. On the day they moved in, they had some items that they wanted to store in the attic. When they climbed up the attic stairs, they found that the previous owners had left some junk piled in one corner. The new owners didn’t have time to go through the stuff and throw it away, so they just stacked their things around the leftover pile. They didn’t think of it again.

After several years, the family decided to do some spring cleaning. They planned to have a yard sale to get rid of some of the things they had stored in the attic. When they went up to get their items, they saw the pile of things left by the previous owners. They decided they might as well try to sell those things too. Perhaps they could make a little extra money.

As they sorted out the pile, they found several items they could sell including an old violin in a case. The violin looked in pretty good shape, but the case was very dusty and all scratched up. They decided to put a $20.00 price tag on it and see what they could get.

On the day of the yard sale they put all the items on tables, and  people began to stop and browse. They sold many of their items and were about to call it a day. There were a few stragglers milling around the tables checking for any last minute buys. A car pulled over and a tall, thin older man got out. He too browsed the tables for a while.

He came to the table with the violin in the opened case. It seems no one had needed a fiddle this morning, not even for $20.00. He leaned over and studied the dusty violin for a couple of minutes before he spoke to the owner behind the table. He inquired, “Do you mind if I take it out of the case?”

“No”, the owner replied, “Help yourself.”

He picked the violin up very slowly and carefully, as if it were going to fall apart in his hands.

“May I tune it?” the old man asked.

“If you can,” the owner answered.

The old man slowly tuned the violin until he seemed to be satisfied with each string. The owner waited patiently since most of the crowd had dispersed; and this seemed like the most promising chance of getting rid of the instrument.

“May I play it?” the old man asked.

“Sure, see how it sounds,” was the owner’s reply, now feeling that a sale was in the making.

The old man slowly placed the violin under his chin and began to play. The straggling shoppers stopped and stared as the notes drifted across the yard in the spring sunshine. The old man crafted the most beautiful music for several minutes before he stopped. He lowered the violin from his chin and placed it very gently back in its case. The owner moved in to make the sale. “You make that thing sing, mister” he said with a grin. “You can have it for only $20.00.”

The older man’s face was somber. “I can’t give you $20.00 for that violin,” he replied.

“Well, how about $15.00?” said the owner, now thinking a sale was slipping away.

“Sir, you don’t understand.” noted the old man, still serious. “I can’t take that violin from you for $20.00. It wouldn’t be right.” Looking directly into the owner’s eyes, he lowered his voice and smiled slightly, “I don’t know how you came upon that violin, but you don’t know what you have there. You see, that violin is a Stradivarius. You can tell from the markings in the sound hole. It was made by Antonio Stradivari in Cremona. His instruments are the best in the world. You see, his mark is there in the sound hole. This violin is worth at least $1,000,000 and probably much more. It’s a very, very special instrument and very precious. You just didn’t realize what you had.”

The violin had always been precious. It was valuable because of its creator. The violin was valuable because its creator only made precious instruments, and it carried the unmistakable mark of that creator. The earlier homeowners who left it in the attic obviously didn’t know what they had and treated it like trash. The new owners didn’t know what they had either and left it in the attic with the trash. The yard sale shoppers who left it on the table didn’t know what they were leaving behind. They treated it as if it was not even worth $20.00. It took the old man to recognize the violin’s value. He didn’t have to play it to recognize that it was precious. The old man knew it was precious because he knew about its creator. He knew that it had the mark of its creator.

You may be like the violin. You may have grown up in a family that wasn’t able to recognize your true value. They may have acted as if you were in the way or just something to be tolerated. Or they may have made you feel that you couldn’t do anything right or were always messing up. Later in life, you may have dealt with others who also acted as you weren’t worth much, who acted as if you were trash.

It’s important to remember that the violin never actually lost its value. It was just as valuable when it was left in a corner of the attic as it would have been in a symphony hall. It was still valuable when it was passed over by the rest of the customers in the yard sale. The creator had left his mark on it, and that made all the difference.

Every child is valuable. Each child is as valuable as any other child. We all know this to be true. There is no defect, deformity, characteristic, or behavior that can make a child less valuable. We also know this to be true. A child’s actual value is not diminished when her family doesn’t recognize or act as if she is valuable. You know this to be true.

The child is hurt, of course. The child learns to believe that she is not valuable. Such lessons are learned deeply. Such beliefs are hard to change. Just because a belief is deeply learned doesn’t mean that it is true.

Question:  Share your thoughts about the meaning or moral of this story. Do you agree that all children are valuable and deserve to be treated as such? Can you apply that truth to yourself? Can you begin to do that now? What do you think?

This story was inspired by the poem, “The Touch of the Master’s Hand” by Myra “Brooks” Welch (1921).