Tag Archives: mind reading

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The Stories We Tell Ourselves

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assumptions

Rachael ran into her friend, Jennifer in the grocery store.They both smiled and talked briefly, but Jennifer seemed a bit distant.Jennifer ended the conversation by saying she had a lot to do. After they parted, Rachael questioned why Jennifer seemed distant and why she left so quickly. In her mind, Rachael told herself a story that Jennifer must be upset with her about something. She recalled that two weeks earlier, she had declinedJennifer’s invitation for lunch because she had other plans. She reasoned thatJennifer was upset with her because of that event.

Todd was competing with several co-workers for a promotion. His interview that morning had gone fairly well. Later in the day, he noticed the boss talking to one of the other candidates in the hall. They were laughing about something. Todd began telling himself a story that this co-worker was going to get the job. He became angry as he concluded that the interviews were just a formality, and that this company followed a good-ole-boy mentality and always would. He began thinking about looking for a job with another company.

Both situations illustrate that we tend to operate on a combination of facts and assumptions. Rachael and Todd did observe some facts. Jennifer did end the conversation fairly quickly. Rachael had turned down the earlier invitation. Todd did see the co-worker and boss laughing together. That’s all they really knew, but then they began to tell themselves a story. They formed conclusions based on their combination of facts and assumptions.

We do this all the time. We observe events and then begin generating our stories. We make assumptions about other’s underlying thoughts, feelings and motivations. We make assumptions about future events, failures and successes. Our emotions and actions are determined by the stories we tell ourselves, not the actual facts.

The human brain actively seeks resolution. Our brains constantly work to make sense out of incomplete information. For example, when you look at a flower, you don’t actually see the flower. Your eye sends data signals to the brain about color and shape, contrasts between light and dark, texture and depth. The brain then fills in the blanks to create an image of the flower in your mind.

Our brain also seeks resolution as we experience life events. We see certain facts, then our brains work to fill in the blanks to form conclusions. By filling in the unknown pieces of information, the brain achieves resolution. We feel a sense of satisfaction with this resolution, even when the conclusion is negative.

Unfortunately, our stories are often wrong. Our assumptions reflect our pre-existing beliefs more often than objective truth. When we believe we are inadequate, we tell ourselves stories of failure, mistakes and other’s being critical. When we believe we are unlovable or unimportant, we tell ourselves stories of others rejecting or backing away from us. When we believe that people are mean and hurtful, we tell ourselves the story that others will hurt us.

Sometimes, our stories may be true, but often they are not. Just pay attention to the times when you are adding to the facts you know with a story. You might think something like this, “This event happened, then the story I told myself was ….” It might help you distinguish between fact and assumption.

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I Know Why You Did That

We make too many assumptions about why others do what they do.

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We do it all the time. We all do. We observe someone’s behavior and immediately assume we mind readingknow why they did what they did. We do it so often, that we don’t even notice it.

Someone doesn’t return a phone call or a text. A co-worker leaves a meeting early. An acquaintance walks by us without speaking. A friend doesn’t voice agreement when we state an opinion. A spouse avoids talking about a recent disagreement. A loved one hasn’t called in a while.

The list could go on. We observe an endless number of behaviors from other people every day, and we assume what those behaviors mean about the person’s feelings, opinions, intentions or attitudes. Our assumptions are often wrong, but we feel quite certain that we are right.

We misread other’s behaviors because we tend to believe that other people think the same way we do. We look at their behaviors and ask ourselves what it would mean if we did the same behavior in the same situation. “If I did that in this situation, it would mean that I was feeling…” We then assume that the other person must be feeling the same way.

We also assume that we know all the information we need to know to interpret the person’s behaviors. This assumption is often wrong. The late Dr. Steven Covey shared a particularly moving example in his book, “Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.”

Dr. Covey was riding on a subway car in New York City. It was a pleasant Sunday morning ride, with most passengers quietly reading their newspapers. A man and his three children get on the train. As the car was fairly full, they had to sit in different places. The man just sat looking down at the floor. The kids, however, were hyper and argumentative. Their behaviors worsened as the train progressed. Other passengers were watching these unruly kids and waiting on the father to correct them, but he just sat there staring at the floor. As the misbehavior worsened, Covey spoke to the man and asked him if he couldn’t say something to his kids, as they were being a disruption to the other passengers. The man looked up, as if in a daze. He responded that he guessed he should say something to them. He went on to say that they just came from the hospital and that their mother just died. He said that he didn’t know how to deal with it and guessed they didn’t either.

With the new information, Dr. Covey’s attitude toward the man and the children suddenly changed. He had assumed that this was an uncaring father, and that these were obnoxious children. He now saw the father and the children as hurting and confused. He asked the father if he could help him with the children until he came to his stop. He now felt compassion rather than irritation.

Before assuming that you know why someone is exhibiting a behavior, remind yourself that you may not have all the information. It will also help if you can remember that the other person may perceive or think differently from yourself. An assumption is just an assumption. You’re just guessing.

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Reading People

We constantly read other people. Our assumptions are often incorrect.

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Because I am a psychologist, people often ask me if I analyze people when I’m not working. Iguess the answer is yes and no. I don’t consciously make an attempt to analyze others on my days off. But, I have to admit that I often notice cues that suggest what others are feeling. I do read people, but the fact is, we all do. We all make assumptions about others.

 

Whether or not we are conscious of it, we constantly read other people. We notice their voice tone, body position, gestures, and facial expressions. We pay attention to the way they are dressed and groomed. We attend to the way they walk or stand. We form impressions or opinions about them before they open their mouths.

 

As humans, our social relationships are important. An ability to relate well to others is essential to our success and happiness. In ancient tribal days, it was a matter of life and death. If you didn’t get along with the tribe, you might get kicked out, and you didn’t survive very long in the jungle alone. This may also be the reason we tend to worry about what other’s think about us.

 

While we consciously pay attention to the words others are saying, research shows that the majority of our communication is non-verbal. UCLA professor, Albert Merhrabian, indicated that 55 percent of what we convey comes from body language, 38 percent from our tone of voice, and only 7 percent from our words.

 

Since our observations of non-verbal cues are usually unconscious, we tend to react without consciously understanding why. We may say that we have a feeling about a person or have a gut impression. Our assumptions sometimes dictate the future course of the relationship.

 

Unfortunately, sometimes our unconscious impressions are wrong. We may misread the non-verbal cues and take the relationship in the wrong direction. We may damage, or even end, otherwise good relationships based on mistaken assumptions of the other person’s feelings or intentions.

 

We sometimes misread people because of our biases or prejudices. Impressions formed from one’s clothing or physical appearance are often misleading. Assumptions that a certain type person always thinks or acts in a particular way should be avoided. Well-known body language interpretations may also be inaccurate. A person may cross their arms because they are cold, not because they are shutting you out.

 

We also misread people because of own self-esteem issues. If as children, we learned to see ourselves as unlikeable or unlovable, we will read others as rejecting, even when they aren’t. If we believe we are inadequate and tend to mess up, we will misread others as judging or disapproving of us, even when they aren’t judging us at all. Unfortunately, these mistaken impressions only serve to strengthen our pre-existing negative beliefs.

 

I’m not going to suggest that you stop reading people. You can’t help yourself. You’re going to do it, whether or not you are conscious of it. I will suggest that you make an attempt to be skeptical of your impressions. Remind yourself that your assumptions are just assumptions. Give yourself the opportunity to find out that you are wrong. You might preserve a healthy relationship.

 

 

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Mind Reading

Assuming that you can know others' thoughts and feelings can damage your self-esteem and your relationships.

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This article is part of a series on types of negative thinking and their impact on self-esteem and relationships. The types of negative thinking are at the core of Cognitive/Behavioral Psychotherapy, and presented in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.

You do it all the time. So do I. We all do mind reading. We read other’s expressions or their tone of voice. We try to read between the lines. What did that person really mean? How do they really feel? What were they thinking?mind reading

We ask these questions, then we go on to answer them. We make assumptions about others thoughts, feelings, or intentions. Unfortunately, we believe our assumptions.

Mind reading is a cognitive distortion where we believe that we can read other’s minds. Of course, we can, and we intellectually know that. Yet, in the moment, we assume that we can. We react to our assumptions.

There is a cost to mind reading. First, mind reading thoughts maintain wounds to the self-esteem. They reinforce any negative belief we hold about ourselves.

For example, Justin was criticized harshly by his mother throughout his childhood. Because of this, he concluded that he was not good enough. He believed he was not smart enough, that he would fail at most things, and that others would be critical of him as well.

When Justin does mind reading, do you think he assumes others to be affirming or judgmental? Of course, he assumes that others see him as a failure, and his efforts as inadequate. He would never assume that others thought that he was brilliant. Even when someone compliments his work, he assumes that they are just “being nice.”

Because of his mind reading, Justin sees his life as a series of failures. A self-esteem wound, first created by his mother’s criticism, is deepened by his later perceptions.

Second, mind reading damages relationships. Emily’s father left the family when she was eight years old. He moved across country with his new girlfriend. She didn’t see him at all for several years. She watched other fathers with their daughters, and silently grieved. She concluded that she wasn’t as valuable or loveable as other girls. Her self-esteem wound was formed.

When Emily did mind reading, she concluded that others didn’t like her, or didn’t want to spend time with her. She believed herself to be boring. To avoid rejection, she withdrew from others. She never initiated social relationships, and even turned down invitations, because she assumed she would eventually be rejected. When others reached out to her, and asked her out, she said no, as she assumed they were just being nice, or felt sorry for her.

Because of her mind reading, Emily saw herself as unlovable and felt alone. The self-esteem wound first created by her father’s distance, was worsened by her later perceptions.

Truth is, you can’t read minds. You may assume how others feel, or what they think, but you will often be wrong. You won’t believe that you are wrong, but you often are.

You can reduce the mind reading tendency by introducing a bit of skepticism. Entertain the thought that your assumptions are wrong. If possible, check it out. Ask the other person what they are thinking or how they feel. Try to believe them. Watch your thinking.

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The single biggest problem in communication…

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I couldn’t agree more with this post by Otrazhenie. We assume we know that the other person is thinking or their intentions or their feelings. So often we are completely wrong, but don’t believe we are wrong. We then act on our mistaken assumptions, hurting the relationship and the other person. Don’t assume. Don’t do mind reading. Ask for clarification. Tell them your assumption and ask them if it’s correct. Notice how many times you are wrong. Your relationships will be better for the effort!    Terry Ledford, Ph.D.