Tag Archives: criticism

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Consider the Source of Your Self-Esteem Wounds

Recognizing the True Nature of Those Who Hurt You

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Most people with self-esteem difficulties can trace their wounds back to a family member or caretaker who was yelling_parentharshly critical, rejecting, abandoning or abusive. Those people’s behaviors toward the child conveyed messages that he or she was defective, bad or not good enough.  Later, those self-esteem wounds were deepened by a few relationships where the individual received similar negative treatment.

Often, the individual can identify others in their lives who treated them with love and respect, but the negative messages seems to dominate. I’m not sure why this occurs, but the child’s self-esteem seems to be impacted more by the negative caretakers than by the positive ones. Oh, they love the positive people and enjoy spending time with them, but their self-beliefs tend to be molded by the negative people.

A few years ago, I created an exercise where I ask clients to compose a list of people who have conveyed positive messages about them, and a list of people who have been negative about them. The lists can include people from their past and present. They can also include family members, friends, co-workers and teachers. When finished, they have two lists of names; those who made them feel valuable and competent and those who made them feel inadequate or unimportant.

Try doing this now. Write down (or at least mentally identify) your personal list of positive and negative people. You may have some people who could fit on both lists, but try to put most on one side or the other. Now consider the following questions.

  1. Which group would you say that you like the most, the positive or the negative? You may love people on both lists, but which do you like most?

Almost everyone says that they like the positive people most. The choice isn’t difficult.

  1. Which group would you say that you trust the most, positive or negative?

For example, if you needed an opinion about someone you had never met, which group’s opinions about the person would you trust most? Most choose the positive group.

  1. Which of the two groups are the most mentally healthy or stable?

In your estimation, which group demonstrates characteristics of mentally healthy people? Most say the positive.

  1. Do people in the negative group treat others negatively as well, or are they just negative toward you?

Have you seen them treat others as they treated you? Do you recall thinking that their treatment of someone wasn’t fair or warranted? Most say the negative people treated others negatively as well.

  1. Which group’s opinions of you do you seem to think about the most?

Which group has had a more powerful impact on your perceptions of yourself? Which group most deeply influenced the way you defined yourself? Unfortunately, most people say the negative group. The wounds of the negative group seem to dominate.

 

So, the end conclusion is that most people allow their self-esteem to be defined by people they don’t like, don’t trust, consider to be mentally ill and who treat others badly as well. Read that sentence again. Does it surprise you?

This exercise is designed to help people “consider the source” of their negative self-esteem beliefs. Hopefully, it will help you put the negative messages they conveyed in a more proper perspective.

 

Comments: How did this exercise impact your perspective on the negative people in your life?

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The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Your Relationships

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This is the third article in my series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. Today, we’ll look at the impact of these Self-Esteem and Relationshipswounds on relationships. We’ll examine how your choices, your perceptions and your reactions in relationships can be altered by self-esteem wounds.

A self-esteem wound is a negative belief about self that has been created by previous negative experiences. Such wounds can be classified as person wounds or performance wounds.

A person wound means that the individual believes that he is not likeable or lovable. He may expect or anticipate rejection.  Person wounds are produced when an individual experiences rejection or emotional distance from some family members or friends.

Performance wounds mean that the person believes that she is inadequate or not able to perform as well as others. She will anticipate that others are judging her and being critical. Performance wounds are created when one experiences harsh or frequent criticism or judgment during childhood.

Our Reactions:

First, let’s look at the impact of these wounds on your reactions in relationships. Scar tissue is more sensitive than the surrounding skin. Likewise, a self-esteem wound makes us more sensitive in that particular area.

Person wounds make us much more sensitive to incidents of rejection, disengagement or distance by others. When we are left out, we feel it more deeply. We hurt more intensely. Our reactions to perceived rejection are more intense or pronounced. Our partners may be confused and feel that we are overreacting. Conflicts may develop.

Performance wounds are similar. They make us more sensitive to incidents of criticism or judgment. We experience a deeper hurt when we feel criticized or judged. Our reactions may be anger and defensiveness or shutting down and distancing, but they are intense. Our partners may be not understand why we felt criticized or feel that we are overeating. Again, conflicts may ensue.

Our Perceptions:

Perception is the brain’s attempt to make sense of the world. Our senses send patterns of electrical signals to the brain. The brain then has to put those signals together in a way that makes sense and has meaning. For example, when you look at a flower, your eye sends patterns of electrical signals to your brain. It doesn’t send a picture of a flower. Your brain has to interpret those signals, based on prior experience, and identify those signals as a flower. This works perfectly most of the time, but perception can be distorted at times. We see examples of this when we look at optical illusions.

Perceptions of social or relationship events work in much the same way. We observe a person’s words, facial expressions, body position and behaviors and have to make sense of the information. Our brain puts the data together in a way that makes sense to us. We “read between the lines” and conclude more than we actually know. We assume what the other person is thinking or feeling, based on an interpretation of their tone of voice or facial expression. Like the flower example, our brains interpret the information based on prior experience. If we have experienced rejection in the past, we anticipate rejection and often perceive rejection, when it really isn’t there. Likewise, prior experiences of criticism or judgment cause us to perceive that others are criticizing us even when they aren’t doing so.

We don’t react to other’s actual intensions or feelings, because we can’t know those. We react to our perceptions of their intension or feelings. When we misperceive, problems occur. Conflicts and confusion follow.

Our Choices:

This issue is a bit complicated, but here goes. Our self-esteem wounds often have an impact on our choices of partners. We tend to find ourselves in relationships with people who frequently touch our wounds. Those with performance wounds (who are sensitive to criticism and judgment) tend to feel more attracted to people who seem critical or judgmental; people who seem hard to please. Those with person wounds (who are sensitive to rejection) of more attracted to people who seem distant or uncaring.

The pattern can be even more extreme. We often see the son of the alcoholic parent later marry the woman with alcohol or drug problems. Or we see the daughter of the abusive parent in an abusive marriage. Of course, this is not always true, but it often occurs.

It is important to note here that the partner rarely exhibits those behaviors in the beginning of the relationship. He or she isn’t critical, distant or abusive in the early stages of the relationship. Those behaviors don’t start until the relationship is firmly established.

Also, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you are in a relationship with the wrong person. It means that you have to work through how you react to those behaviors. Successful relationships can develop if we react to the other’s criticism or distance with vulnerable assertiveness. Being assertive, while sharing our hurts (not anger), can often bring relationship healing. Of course, we have to protect ourselves from abuse.

As I said, this issue is complicated. You can read more in “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

 

Question: Have you seen the impact of self-esteem wounds on your relationships? What steps have you found helpful in addressing such issues?

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Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem

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If we reclaim something, it means that we once had it, but lost it at some point. I fully believe this to be true. I believe that most of usImage lost something valuable, even precious. We lost site of our true identity, who we really are.

This loss didn’t occur passively. Your knowledge of your true worth didn’t peacefully fade like a castle in the sand. It was attacked. It was chipped away, sometimes with a small tap and sometimes with a sledgehammer. The blows may have included critical words, disapproving looks or even looks of disgust, when you made the mistakes all children make. The blows may have occurred in silence, the parental visit that never happened, the lack of a parent at your ball game or concert, or simply the preoccupied manner when you needed attention. Your blows may have come when other kids teased you, laughed at your mistake or, verbally or non-verbally, told you to go away.

Each negative experience covered your true identity with a negative belief about self. Before long, all you could see were those negative, false beliefs. They formed a picture of you that was impossible to ignore. You accepted it. What else could you do? You didn’t know any better.

It’s time to strip away those messages and uncover your true self. It didn’t actually go away. You just couldn’t see it. It was there all along, buried under that pile of negative statements. With time and persistent effort, you can identify and discard those negative beliefs, revealing your true worth, reclaiming your positive self-esteem.

I have taught the course, “Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem” about twenty times in the past eighteen months, with amazing results. The course is based on the principles in my book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You.”

Here are some of the comments made by participants from the live course:

       This course has helped me to better understand how my past has affected my behaviors or experiences today. It also has offered me ways in which I can cope and change the way I see myself.   ~ Thomas A.

This course was an insightful journey into the reasons so many of us suffer from negative thinking! I learned many techniques to overcome a low self-esteem and gain a more enriched and happy life. My perception of myself has changed forever! Thank you!  –Anne P.

This was one of the most “life changing” events I have ever experienced! I wish I had attended this course years ago. For me, it wasn’t just learning about self-esteem. It was learning about myself in this world of many other self-esteem sufferers. I loved the stories, the analogies, the humor and the group interaction. I just can’t say enough about how powerful it was! —Janet L.

In my own experience, the journey of healing a wounded self-esteem can take years of therapy and/or self-discovery… or you can get a jump start and significantly shorten the process by attending Dr. Ledford’s workshop series! He has an amazing gift of getting to the heart of the issue, and gives practical steps to finding relief for a problem that can haunt all aspects of a person’s life. In a classroom setting, where privacy is protected and where you find strength in knowing you are not alone, Dr. Ledford will lead you through exercises and examples that bring out the best opportunity for seeing yourself as the wonderful person your Creator made you to be. Give yourself a gift by registering for this workshop today…you’ll be glad you did! —Sarah M.

 

I’m excited to announce that this course is now available as a webinar on Udemy.com. The course includes videos of the live course with power point slides and written exercises. There are thirteen lectures. You can watch it at your convenience. You have permanent access to it, so you can review any lectures at any time.

 

I hope you enjoy the course and begin the process of reclaiming your positive self-esteem!

 

SIGN UP FOR RECLAIMING YOUR POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM COURSE HERE

 

 

Question: Please comment on your experience with the course.