Tag Archives: anger

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The Impact of Contagious Emotions

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Emotions are Contagious

Like many, I have been concerned about the rise of anger, division, polarization and general negativity in America in recent years. We are inundated daily with stories of conflicts, accusations, protests, riots and shootings. It is increasingly more difficult to find examples of kindness, civility and open, considerate communication between people with differing opinions.

One psychological phenomenon that may help us understand this trend is “emotional contagion.” This is the idea that humans synchronize their emotions with the emotions expressed by those around them. We tend to take on the emotions of those we observe. This process can be conscious or unconscious. It can also occur when we experience another’s emotions by watching them on TV, listening to them on podcasts or seeing their social media posts.

Research on this tendency goes back as far as 1897 and has been fairly consistent through the years. Studies suggest that our conscious assessments of other’s emotions are more often based on what others say, but our own internal emotions are more heavily influenced by their non-verbal ques such as facial expression, body language or tone of voice.

In 2012, a large but controversial study was conducted on over 600,000 Facebook users. The researchers filtered out either positive or negative emotional content appearing from others on participant’s newsfeeds. They found that people posted more negative emotional content when they were exposed to negative emotions from others and more positive content when exposed to positive emotions. I know that I have personally enjoyed the Facebook option to unfollow someone who posts particularly angry or negative posts.

So, we do seem to take on the negative or positive emotions of those around us, but what do we do about it? If our moods are being influenced by others who are positive, hopeful and happy, it can be great, but that isn’t what is happening around us today.

The first step is increased awareness. We must ask ourselves if a particular mood or attitude has been influenced by what we have observed in others. Is this mood or emotion something we want to feel? Is it helpful or productive? If not, simply reminding ourselves that we may have been caught up in other’s negative moods may help us make a shift.

We also have to be very deliberate about what we expose ourselves to. We need to filter what we watch on TV. We need to remind ourselves that news channels are designed to sell advertising and that sensational and negative stories attract more viewers, thus generating more money for them. The more they upset us, the more money they make!

We should also be aware of the impact of those in our more personal orbit. Does that one friend tend to stir you up a lot. Does her anger, pessimism or anxiety trigger similar feelings in you? Perhaps you don’t want to distance yourself from the person, but you might be able to agree to not discuss certain topics at all. You may request that some discussions be off-limits or simply change the subject.

Humans are social animals, and we are influenced by the emotions of others. We can allow ourselves to be swept along by the current negative emotional wave, or we can deliberately take steps to resist the influence. We may not be able to change the world, but we can change ourselves. Then again, perhaps in doing so, we can help change the world.

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A Little Less Anger

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Most of us would like to have better control of our anger. We may regret the time we overreacted to the car that pulled out in front of us, the waitress who took forever to bring our check or the critical comment from a co-worker. We sometimes wish we could have an emotional “do-over.”

Anger can harm our physical health, our relationships and our lives.

We tend to see our emotions as an unavoidable reaction to a situation. As we stew in our irritation, we review the slight in our mind. “How could they?” “They think they own the road.” “He’s just a jerk.”

Anger is a basic human biological response designed to protect us from physical danger. When faced with a potential attacker, our anger mobilizes our body to fight or run away. Our muscles tense up. Our breathing quickens. The pupils in our eyes dilate. Our heart rate speeds up. The response is very helpful if we face an actual physical attack but can be physically and psychologically harmful if experienced frequently.

In present days we rarely fact a physical attack. Our anger is usually prompted by our thoughts. We perceive the other person’s actions to be a threat to our well-being, but fully know that there is no physical danger. Their behavior may threaten our schedule, our appearance to others, our self-esteem, our business success, but rarely our lives.

Of course, sometimes anger can be healthy if it is channeled in the right direction. I’m a big believer in assertiveness. When we are assertive, we express our needs and protect our interests, but do so without the appearance of attack. We simply state our boundaries without being offensive. We defend our own rights but do so in a way that honors the other person’s rights.

Here are some steps we can take to control our anger:

  1. Don’t assume intention. Do you know that the person’s actions were intentional? Perhaps they didn’t mean to hurt you. Perhaps they reacted to a different perception of the situation. Perhaps there was a miscommunication. Check it out before you react.
  • Don’t assume you know everything about the situation. Could there be some pertinent information that you don’t know? We tend to assume that all we see is all there is. Everyone has a story, and we only see a small part of it. Check it out before you react.
  • Ask yourself if being angry will help. Will an angry response make anything better? Usually not. The situation is what it is. Your anger may not improve the situation. It may just make you stressed, raise your blood pressure, and ruin your day.
  • Can you give yourself the gift of forgiveness by letting it go? You don’t do anything for the person who hurt you when you forgive them. You give yourself the gift. When you let an offense go and forgive, you release the stress of your anger. You relax. You move on with your day or your life.

Of course, we are all a work in progress. We will overreact at times. But sometimes when we try, we can control our emotions and better our lives. Each success means a little less stress and one more good day.

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Holding On To Our Hurts

We worsen the pain and long-term damage when we hold on to our hurts.

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What do you do when someone hurts you? Notice that the question is when, not if. Everyone gets hurt at times. It’s unavoidable. The important issue is how we respond to those hurts.holding on to our hurts

Some people strike back. Their hurt quickly turns into anger, frustration or irritation. The transition is usually so fast that they don’t even recognize the hurt. They only feel the anger. They may claim that they don’t feel hurt, just angry. I would argue, however, that underneath all anger is a sense of being hurt.

Some people hold their hurt in. They don’t say anything to the offending party. They just get quiet and withdraw. They protect themselves by distancing. It’s harder for them to hurt you if you distance from them. This distancing can be physical where you stay away from them altogether, or it could be emotional distancing where you just build a wall around your heart. Either way, you distance.

In many situations, the most effective response is an assertive one. An assertive response lets the other person know they their words or actions hurt you, but does so without being aggressive. Your tone and words are direct and serious, but not angry or attacking. An assertive response addresses the hurt without damaging the relationship.

But what about your long-term response to being hurt? Are you able to let the event go, or do you hold on to your hurt? Do you replay the event over-and-over in your mind? Do you continuously analyze what they meant, why they did it, or what you wish you had said to them? Do you find yourself thinking about it as you lie awake in bed?

Holding on to our hurts or anger creates several problems. Here are a few:

  1. Sustained anger or irritation creates harmful chemical changes in our bodies. When we experience resentment, irritation or anger, our bodies release cortisol. This chemical helps our bodies prepare to fight or flee when we are faced with physical danger. However, it is intended to be released as brief bursts, where we defend ourselves and then calm down. Holding on to negative emotions keeps the cortisol elevated, which damages the body over time. For example, research shows a clear connection between sustained anger and heart disease.
  2. Continued ruminating about a hurt can increase our general negativity. When we replay negative events in our minds, we are more likely to anticipate future negative events. We expect the worst. We tend to distrust others more. Our negative expectations of others can hurt other relationships.
  3. Repeatedly replaying hurtful events or analyzing them to death takes up valuable mental space. Our negative thoughts can ruin times we could have enjoyed. When we obsess today about a hurtful act that occurred last year, we give that hurtful person our afternoon. We don’t enjoy the afternoon because of our ruminations about the person who hurt us. And, by the way, that person is probably enjoying their afternoon without think about us at all.

So, the best immediate response to a hurtful act is usually an assertive one, but the best long-term response is always to let it go. It isn’t easy to let go of our hurts, but it’s always best for our well-being.

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Anger and Anxiety

Prior experiences may have taught you to be afraid of even mild expressions of anger.

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Most people have heard of the classic experiment conducted by Ivan Pavlov, where he taught a dog to salivate angry_manwhenever he heard a bell. He would ring a bell, then immediately give the dog food. At first, the dog just salivated when he saw the food, but soon he began to salivate whenever he heard the bell. After that, he salivated when he heard the bell, even when no food was present. This subconscious pairing of one reaction with a neutral stimulus is called classical conditioning.

A more familiar example would be when a hospital patient is given a new medication, and given orange juice to wash it down. The medication happens to make the patient sick. After that, the patient feels nauseated whenever he drinks orange juice.

Classical conditioning frequently comes into play in our everyday lives, sometimes in ways that hurt us.  For example, you may have grown up with a father who had intense episodes of anger. Because you were just a child, his anger scared you. You may have felt helpless and afraid that someone, including you, might get hurt.

This experience could have caused your brain to pair anger with thoughts and physical sensations of fear. This pairing could now occur when you see someone displaying, even mild to moderate episodes of anger. You experience anxiety when you see or hear signs of anger. You tend to avoid any situation where you might make someone angry. You may even fear expressing your own anger.

Your body will tell you whether this pairing, or conditioning, has occurred. Note whether you notice your heart racing, short and shallow breathing, sweating or muscle tension whenever you see someone who is angry. Pay attention to your reactions to seeing anger. It your reaction proportional to the intensity of anger expressed?

Of course, sometimes anger is not safe. Sometimes, you will encounter a person who is so intensely angry that they could be dangerous. If so, you are wise to withdraw and preserve your safety. In this discussion, however, I’m referring to expressions of anger where you know you are not in danger.

You may have difficulty expressing your feelings or being assertive because you fear that the other person will get angry. This can even occur when you intellectually know that you are not in any danger from this person. Your head tells you that you are safe, but your body reacts as if you are not.

If you recognize this pattern, you can work to correct it. If you feel anxious when you experience another person’s anger, but you know that you are actually safe, try to stay in the situation. Notice your breathing and try to slow it down. Try to relax your muscles. Mostly, remind yourself that you are not in danger. That anger is just another emotion like joy or sadness. Over time, you may be able to break the association between anger and anxiety.

If you are successful in decreasing your anxiety about anger, you will be better able to be assertive about your feelings, without as much fear of making the other person upset. By expressing your feelings in a kind and appropriate manner, you may see positive growth in your relationships.

 

Comments: Have you been able to calm your reaction to other’s anger? If so, how?