Category Archives: Stress Reduction

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Altering Your Perspective on You

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j0444315It’s not what you look at that matters. It’s what you see. Henry David Thoreau

Ever notice how you can look in the mirror one day and think that you don’t look that bad, and the next day look in the same mirror and think you look awful? It’s the same mirror. It’s essentially the same you. The difference between day one and day two isn’t your appearance. It’s your attitude toward yourself.

Your core beliefs, mood and mindset determine your perspective, and that perspective influences your perception. This is true whether you are looking at yourself or your world. Perspective determines what you notice and how you interpret what you see.

Think about those times when you have heard someone, you considered to be very attractive, criticize her appearance. You probably dismissed the self-critical comment as an effort to solicit a compliment or a statement the person actually didn’t believe. You probably argued with the comment, but thought little about it. Consider the possibility that the person really did believe the criticism, and that the statement actually reflected how the person saw herself. Her vision in the mirror was distorted by her negative self-beliefs.

Now, think about the times when you have made a self-critical comment about your own appearance, and a friend argued with your statement. You assumed that their argument was an effort to be kind, and the they actually saw the same defect that you saw. You immediately dismissed the friend’s argument as untruthful or inaccurate. What if the friend was right? What if your perception was the one that was distorted? What if your negative self-beliefs, or your perspective, altered your perception or yourself.

The same process occurs in other areas. Talk to the audience after a debate and you’ll hear proponents of both sides applaud their candidates performance, asserting their side’s victory in the debate. They heard what they wanted to hear, and they heard what they were prepared to hear.

Try to become more aware of your perspective of yourself. In particular, notice the thoughts, interpretations and perceptions that cause you pain or make your life more difficult. Allow yourself to question the validity of those negative perceptions. Was your perspective distorted by earlier negative events? Could you be seeing yourself, your life events, your relationships and your future inaccurately? Could your perspective be wrong? The first step toward changing a negative perspective is awareness. Once you identify a negative, self-destructive perspective, you can begin the day-to-day process of monitoring your thinking and reminding yourself of the truth.

 

Question: What prior beliefs about yourself have you been able to identify and change for the better? What perceptions would you like to change about yourself?

 

 

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Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem

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If we reclaim something, it means that we once had it, but lost it at some point. I fully believe this to be true. I believe that most of usImage lost something valuable, even precious. We lost site of our true identity, who we really are.

This loss didn’t occur passively. Your knowledge of your true worth didn’t peacefully fade like a castle in the sand. It was attacked. It was chipped away, sometimes with a small tap and sometimes with a sledgehammer. The blows may have included critical words, disapproving looks or even looks of disgust, when you made the mistakes all children make. The blows may have occurred in silence, the parental visit that never happened, the lack of a parent at your ball game or concert, or simply the preoccupied manner when you needed attention. Your blows may have come when other kids teased you, laughed at your mistake or, verbally or non-verbally, told you to go away.

Each negative experience covered your true identity with a negative belief about self. Before long, all you could see were those negative, false beliefs. They formed a picture of you that was impossible to ignore. You accepted it. What else could you do? You didn’t know any better.

It’s time to strip away those messages and uncover your true self. It didn’t actually go away. You just couldn’t see it. It was there all along, buried under that pile of negative statements. With time and persistent effort, you can identify and discard those negative beliefs, revealing your true worth, reclaiming your positive self-esteem.

I have taught the course, “Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem” about twenty times in the past eighteen months, with amazing results. The course is based on the principles in my book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You.”

Here are some of the comments made by participants from the live course:

       This course has helped me to better understand how my past has affected my behaviors or experiences today. It also has offered me ways in which I can cope and change the way I see myself.   ~ Thomas A.

This course was an insightful journey into the reasons so many of us suffer from negative thinking! I learned many techniques to overcome a low self-esteem and gain a more enriched and happy life. My perception of myself has changed forever! Thank you!  –Anne P.

This was one of the most “life changing” events I have ever experienced! I wish I had attended this course years ago. For me, it wasn’t just learning about self-esteem. It was learning about myself in this world of many other self-esteem sufferers. I loved the stories, the analogies, the humor and the group interaction. I just can’t say enough about how powerful it was! —Janet L.

In my own experience, the journey of healing a wounded self-esteem can take years of therapy and/or self-discovery… or you can get a jump start and significantly shorten the process by attending Dr. Ledford’s workshop series! He has an amazing gift of getting to the heart of the issue, and gives practical steps to finding relief for a problem that can haunt all aspects of a person’s life. In a classroom setting, where privacy is protected and where you find strength in knowing you are not alone, Dr. Ledford will lead you through exercises and examples that bring out the best opportunity for seeing yourself as the wonderful person your Creator made you to be. Give yourself a gift by registering for this workshop today…you’ll be glad you did! —Sarah M.

 

I’m excited to announce that this course is now available as a webinar on Udemy.com. The course includes videos of the live course with power point slides and written exercises. There are thirteen lectures. You can watch it at your convenience. You have permanent access to it, so you can review any lectures at any time.

 

I hope you enjoy the course and begin the process of reclaiming your positive self-esteem!

 

SIGN UP FOR RECLAIMING YOUR POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM COURSE HERE

 

 

Question: Please comment on your experience with the course.

 

 

 

 

 

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Gazing is Good for the Soul

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Have you taken the time to gaze today? Merriam-Webster defines gaze as: “to fix the eyes in a steady intent look Thoughtful womanoften with eagerness or studious attention.” There is a difference between gazing at something and looking at something. To gaze one must pause and be still. In gazing, we take a momentary break from the rush or frenetic activity of common life. There is a particular feeling when we “fix the eyes” that is difficult to describe.

There are many possible objects of our gaze; a sunset or sunrise, a cloud, a range of mountains or an ocean.  The object may be closer; an insect working, a flower or falling snow. Most of the time, we find ourselves gazing at nature, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Taking the time to gaze at a loved one, who is engaged in some activity, can be quite satisfying as it reminds us of our appreciation for that person.

You see, I’ve been enjoying a bit of gazing this morning. As I write this, I’m alternating my focus between the laptop and the beach, but most of the morning I have been gazing exclusively. One can’t truly gaze, while trying to multitask. True gazing demands exclusive attention.

While most gazing occurs spontaneously, it can be deliberately cultivated. Try to find opportunities to pause, disengage from your busy day and gaze. It’s good for the soul.

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The Power of an Attitude of Gratitude

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thanksgiving_photoOnce more, scientific research has confirmed something that our parents and grandparents already knew; that counting our blessings will make us happier. In fact, practicing this one habit seems to improve our sense of emotional wellbeing more than any other behavior.

In the mid-1990’s, a branch of psychology began to emerge, called “Positive Psychology”. Rather than focusing on emotional illness or difficulties, this group turned their research toward increasing understanding of the factors that made some people exceptionally positive or mentally healthy.

We’ve all known some individuals who seem to handle life’s difficulties with exceptional grace, and just appear more happy, joyful or satisfied. They clearly experience their share of life’s up’s and down’s, but do with more peace and hope than most. The researchers in Positive Psychology studied such individuals to identify those traits, attitudes or habits they shared that allowed them to do this.

First, let’s look at the factors that did not predict happiness. The researchers found that material wealth or standard of living had very little to do with happiness. While the United States has the highest financial standard of living, we are clearly not the happiest people. Many people who have much less than us report that they are much happier.

The research also found that negative life events did not necessarily lower a person’s level of happiness on a long-term basis. Of course, one’s happiness does go down immediately after experiencing a negative life event, but the research found that the person’s level of happiness usually returns to their pre-event level within two years. This was even true when the negative event was extreme, such as spinal cord injury resulting in permanent paralysis. Interestingly, the same was true for positive life events. Immediately after the event, the person’s level of happiness did go up, but usually returned to their pre-event level within about two years.

The studies did find, however, that exceptionally positive people all share an attitude of gratitude. They report that they pay attention to the blessings in their lives. Most of them consciously and deliberately cultivate this feeling of thanksgiving in each day. Most report that, with practice, the attitude becomes more natural and automatic.

We can all learn to be more grateful. Make the decision to cultivate an attitude of gratitude starting today. Count your blessings. Write them down. Before your feet hit the floor each morning, make yourself think of five things you have to be thankful for. Thank those you love. Thank them for the things they do for you, but more, thank them for loving you and sharing your life. Look for opportunities to be thankful today. You just might find yourself feeling happier!

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Are You an Optimist or a Pessimist?

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MP900305720A pessimist is someone who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is someone who makes opportunities of his difficulties.

Harry Truman

                                                                                                                    

Are you an optimist or a pessimist? An optimist tends to see the positive possibilities in every situation. A pessimist tends to see the negative possibilities. Optimists expect good things to happen, while pessimists expect negative outcomes. One sees the glass half full, while the other sees the glass half empty. While lengthy, I have included one of my favorite jokes, that illustrates the concept.

Once there was a woman who had two sons. One was an extreme pessimist, while the other was an extreme optimist. They were both so extreme that they drove her up a wall. She went to her pastor for some suggestions on how she could temper their optimism and pessimism. He said he thought he could help. Christmas was approaching. He suggested that she make her pessimistic son’s Santa presents the best ever. He said she should go over the top to get him everything she could think of that he might want. He suggested that such a fabulous Christmas morning might break him of his extreme pessimism. The mother said it would be expensive, but that it would be worth it. 

She then asked him what she should do about her overly optimistic son. The pastor noted that the family owned a farm, to which she agreed. He said she should take a cardboard box out to the barn. She should fill it with manure. She was instructed to tape it shut, wrap it in wrapping paper and put a bow on top. He suggested that if her optimistic son received only a box of manure on Christmas morning, it might break him of his extreme optimism. The mother agreed.

Christmas morning came. The mother watched as the boys came down stairs to see their presents. The pessimistic son went to his side of the tree. He found many wonderful presents, including a bicycle, a skateboard and roller skates. He just stood and stared at it all. Then he started to cry.

He sobbed, “Mama, why does Santa hate me so much?”

His mother asked him what he meant.

He said, “Santa must hate me, because he wants me to die. He gave me a bicycle so I would break my neck. If that doesn’t kill me, he gave me a skateboard. And if that doesn’t do the job, he gave me roller skates, just to make sure. Mama, this is the worst Christmas ever!”

The mother sighed, “Well, that didn’t work”.

She went over to the optimistic son’s side of the tree. He had opened the wrapped box, and was digging in the manure. She asked him what he thought about his Christmas.

He replied excitedly, “Mama, I’m not sure, but I think there’s a pony in here somewhere!”

 

Research suggests that traits of optimism or pessimism may sometimes be inherited, but the results aren’t clear on this point. We do know that such thinking patterns can be learned, and that they are habitual.

This week, notice whether you tend to be an optimist or a pessimist. Unlike the joke, there’s nothing wrong with being an optimist, as long as you recognize reality, but being a pessimist can surely hurt you. If you notice yourself having pessimistic tendencies, consciously look for the positive things in your day and in your life (i.e. count your blessings). Make a gratitude list. Deliberately paying attention to the positive parts of our lives can gradually diminish those pessimistic tendencies.

Question: What techniques have you found helpful in becoming a more positive person?

 

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You’ll Never Guess What I Did Today!!

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ImageToday has been a truly magnificent day! This day has been filled with a long-awaited and long overdue activity. The day was exactly what I needed. The day filled my spirit and nourished my soul.

Today, I did nothing!

I didn’t vegetate in front of a TV (not my thing). I didn’t sleep (naps make me feel groggy). I didn’t travel, entertain, educate myself, exercise or explore. I had plenty to do, of course, but I chose to do none of it. It could wait. It did wait, and the world didn’t alter its rotation at all, as far as I could tell.

I did sit and look at the beautiful view from my house. Actually, I gazed, which is much better than looking. I did have brief, pleasant conversations with family, but even these were not intended to be productive or purposeful. I listened to some quiet music, more as background for the gazing than anything. I did a little reading, punctuated by more gazing.

I don’t have days like this very often. I don’t try to have days like this very often. I have too many things that I like to do, too many interests, too many projects to have many do-nothing days. My usual wish is that I could pack 48 hours in every 24 hour day. I usually enjoy activity.

But, sometimes I need a time to do nothing. We all do. We need a time to slow down, contemplate, and perhaps, to gaze. Time moves more slowly. We experience the moment, then the next moment. We recharge, perhaps we recalibrate our internal motors.

The demands of life often postpone such times. We (at least me) tend to squeeze the most we can get out of every minute. It’s usually an okay choice, but, not today. Today I did nothing, and it felt good.   

If you’re like me and most of your days are filled to the brim, you might like to schedule an appointment to do nothing. It won’t happen by itself. You’ll have to make it happen. Who knows? It might also be good for your soul!

Question: What is your favorite way to spend a “do-nothing” day? What benefits do you see when you slow your life down?