Category Archives: cognitive therapy

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Choosing To Not Get Upset

By thinking through your options, you can sometimes choose a better response.

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“That made me angry.” “Of course, I got mad.” “I just reacted to the situation.” We often assume that our emotionalangry_man responses are dictated by the situation. We believe that we have no choice, but to get upset, when we experience an upsetting event. Any other response seems unnatural, or even impossible. But it is?

We can, at least sometimes, choose to not get upset by a situation that would have usually upset us. To do so, we must think through the situation, recognize that we have a choice, consider the consequences of our response, and then be deliberate about our reaction.

Several years ago, I had an interesting experience that illustrates the ability to choose. I was flying from Charlotte to Bangkok, Thailand to participate in a counseling clinic for American missionaries serving in China. My flight went from Charlotte to Minneapolis, to Tokyo, and finally to Bangkok. After a layover in Minneapolis, I had boarded the plane for the thirteen hour trip to Tokyo. The plane filled and the attendant closed the cabin door. Seated in my “coach” seat, I got out a book to pass the time.

With the plane still at the gate, the pilot came over the intercom, saying, “I’m sorry ladies and gentlemen, but we have a little problem with the plane. One of the computers isn’t working and we have called in technicians, so we should be under way in about twenty minutes.” I didn’t think this would be a problem because I had a four-hour layover in Tokyo.

About twenty minutes later, the pilot announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry but the problem is a bit more extensive than we thought. We have found that the part we need to fix this computer is not in-stock here at the airport, and we have had to send the technician into the city to purchase the part. We will get under way as soon as he returns and gets the computer fixed, and this is a computer you want to be working when we fly across the Pacific. Unfortunately, because this is an international flight, we can’t allow you to de-board the plane, because of customs laws. Once the cabin door is closed, you are officially no longer in the US. We’ll turn on the air conditioning to make you as comfortable as possible.”

Four hours later, we were still sitting there, and people were not happy. Most were standing in the aisles complaining. I was still sitting in my seat, reading my book. I had noticed that three ladies were standing in the aisle beside me, fussing about the situation. I then noticed that one of the women was speaking to me. She challenged, “And you, why are you not upset? You’re just sitting there reading like this isn’t bothering you!” I responded, “I didn’t know that it would help to get upset.” She wasn’t please with my response and stomped toward the front of the plane.

This woman didn’t know that I had considered the situation fully. I reasoned that, if the pilot says we need that computer to fly across the Pacific, I’ll believe him. My getting upset won’t get the computer fixed any faster. My only choice was to get upset while waiting, or to read my book.

As it turned out, we got under way soon after that, I made my Tokyo to Bangkok flight, and after a complaint letter, I received some free airline miles for my trouble. Oh, and I was also somewhat pleased with my response to the angry woman.

Consider the possibility that you can choose to not get upset. Ask yourself if getting upset will help the situation, or if will just make you miserable. You won’t be able to control your reaction in every situation, but might be able to do so sometimes.

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“I know why you did that.”

Our assumptions about other's behaviors are often wrong.

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We do it all the time. We all do. We observe someone’s behavior and immediately assume we know why they did Young Woman Biting Her Finger Nailwhat they did. We do it so often, that we don’t even notice it.

Someone doesn’t return a phone call or a text. A co-worker leaves a meeting early. An acquaintance walks by us without speaking. A friend doesn’t voice agreement when we state an opinion. A spouse avoids talking about a recent disagreement. A loved one hasn’t called in a while.

The list could go on. We observe an endless number of behaviors from other people every day, and we assume what those behaviors mean about the person’s feelings, opinions, intentions or attitudes. Our assumptions are often wrong, but we feel quite certain that we are right.

We misread other’s behaviors because we tend to believe that other people think the same way we do. We look at their behaviors and ask ourselves what it would mean if we did the same behavior in the same situation. “If I did that in this situation, it would mean that I was feeling…” We then assume that the other person must be feeling the same way.

We also assume that we know all the information we need to know to interpret the person’s behaviors. This assumption is often wrong. The late Dr. Steven Covey shared a particularly moving example in his book, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

Dr. Covey was riding on a subway car in New York City. It was a pleasant Sunday morning ride, with most passengers quietly reading their newspapers. A man and his three children get on the train. As the car was fairly full, they had to sit in different places. The man just sat looking down at the floor. The kids, however, were hyper and argumentative. Their behaviors worsened as the train progressed. Other passengers were watching these unruly kids and waiting on the father to correct them, but he just sat there staring at the floor. As the misbehavior worsened, Covey spoke to the man and asked him if he couldn’t say something to his kids, as they were being a disruption to the other passengers. The man looked up, as if in a daze. He responded that he guessed he should say something to them. He went on to say that they just came from the hospital and that their mother just died. He said that he didn’t know how to deal with it and guessed they didn’t either.

With the new information, Dr. Covey’s attitude toward the man and the children suddenly changed. He had assumed that this was an uncaring father, and that these were obnoxious children. He now saw the father and the children as hurting and confused. He asked the father if he could help him with the children until he came to his stop. He now felt compassion rather than irritation.

Before assuming that you know why someone is exhibiting a behavior, remind yourself that you may not have all the information. It will also help if you can remember that the other person may perceive or think differently from yourself.

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Does Your Self-Esteem Suffer From Cherry Picking?

Selective Attention can maintain or worsen our self-esteem wounds.

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Wikipedia (the on-line encyclopedia) defines cherry picking as “the fallacy of incomplete evidence” or the act of self-esteem cherry pickingpointing to individual cases or data that seem to confirm a particular position, while ignoring a significant portion of related cases or data that may contradict that position.” So, we do cherry picking when we pay attention to those instances that confirm our prior belief, while discounting or completely ignoring the instances that would refute our prior belief.

Cherry picking is a major factor in the maintenance and worsening of self-esteem wounds. It allows the person to maintain a negative belief about herself, despite a significant amount of evidence to the contrary. In cognitive psychology, this is called selective attention.

For example, a child who experiences harsh criticism learns to see himself as inadequate or a failure. As an adult, he “cherry picks” by focusing his attention on his failures, while ignoring or dismissing his successes. Any compliment he receives is discarded as a kind gesture. A 100 on a test is discounted in his mind by statements such as, “I got lucky” or “It was an easy test.” On the other hand, his failure experiences are analyzed, reviewed, and long remembered as indisputable evidence of his inadequacy.

Another example of cherry picking is occurs when the person with low self-esteem compares herself with other people. She selectively pays attention to a positive trait of one acquaintance, wishing she could be more like her. She then pays attention to a different positive trait in another person, wishing she could be like him in that way.  She ignores the negative traits of each person, leaving her with a strengthened belief that she is inadequate, compared to most people.

A wife and mother may envy another woman who keeps a spotless house, while ignoring the fact that the woman seems very irritable toward her children. She then envies another mother, who seems to have more patience with her children, while ignoring the fact that her house is cluttered. She is, thus, left with the impression that she is a failure as a housekeeper and a mother.

Sometimes when I hear someone cherry picking, I ask them to identify any person that they know well, with whom they would completely change places. I ask if they would they exchange all their own traits and characteristics with all the other person’s traits and characteristics. In others words, they would have to exchange all the good and bad traits of the other person. I’ve never had anyone to say that they would.

Next time you notice that you are comparing yourself with others, consider the possibility that you are cherry picking. Also, notice where you focus your attention. Make a deliberate effort to notice your positive traits, characteristics and circumstances, as much as you do your negatives. See how that makes you feel.

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Your Self-Esteem Wound as a Computer Virus

Recognizing the Virus of the Mind and Getting Rid of It

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computer_virusThink of your mind as a computer. When you were born, you came with the software necessary to live and grow. Unfortunately, you were also born with a vulnerability to misinformation and viruses.

The Impact of Misinformation:

As you grew, you were exposed to misinformation. This information was usually entered into your system by people who were given the same misinformation earlier in their lives. They didn’t realize the information was false, so they passed it along to you. You had no way of knowing that the information was false, so you recorded it into your hard drive and it became a part of your operating system.

A Virus of the Mind:

Sometimes the false information only did minor damage, but sometimes it contained a virus. A computer virus is much more harmful than simple misinformation. A virus gets into the core of the computer. It often damages the operating system. The computer can’t function normally. Simple tasks become very difficult. The virus sometimes shuts the computer down completely.

The Damage of the Virus:

The virus then gets into various programs and alters their function and performance. Because of the virus, the computer will often relay inaccurate information. The virus can impact everything. The virus is destructive, sometimes devastating.

Getting rid of a computer virus isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work. Sometimes it requires help from a professional. But the work is worth it.

The Computer is Innocent:

Finally, you wouldn’t blame your computer if it acquired a virus. The virus and the person who sent it would be at fault, not your computer. The computer couldn’t help it. It simply processed the information it was given. So did you.

Dealing With Your Virus:

Your virus may have been the message that you were unimportant or unlovable. It could have caused by harsh criticism or judgment, making you believe that you were inadequate or incompetent. It could have been the virus of abuse. This is often the most devastating virus of all. It creates shame, and makes the victim feel deeply defective.

The first step in ridding your computer of a virus is recognizing that it has that virus. You then have to take deliberate, purposeful steps to get rid of it. You have to recognize that the computer wasn’t at fault. The virus and the sender were at fault.

Try to remember that your negative self-esteem wounds were not present at birth. They were implanted during child and later. They don’t belong there. Begin the work of ridding yourself of those wounds. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Comments: Can you share any other metaphors of negative self-beliefs, or ways to rid one’s self of them?

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Consider the Source of Your Self-Esteem Wounds

Recognizing the True Nature of Those Who Hurt You

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Most people with self-esteem difficulties can trace their wounds back to a family member or caretaker who was yelling_parentharshly critical, rejecting, abandoning or abusive. Those people’s behaviors toward the child conveyed messages that he or she was defective, bad or not good enough.  Later, those self-esteem wounds were deepened by a few relationships where the individual received similar negative treatment.

Often, the individual can identify others in their lives who treated them with love and respect, but the negative messages seems to dominate. I’m not sure why this occurs, but the child’s self-esteem seems to be impacted more by the negative caretakers than by the positive ones. Oh, they love the positive people and enjoy spending time with them, but their self-beliefs tend to be molded by the negative people.

A few years ago, I created an exercise where I ask clients to compose a list of people who have conveyed positive messages about them, and a list of people who have been negative about them. The lists can include people from their past and present. They can also include family members, friends, co-workers and teachers. When finished, they have two lists of names; those who made them feel valuable and competent and those who made them feel inadequate or unimportant.

Try doing this now. Write down (or at least mentally identify) your personal list of positive and negative people. You may have some people who could fit on both lists, but try to put most on one side or the other. Now consider the following questions.

  1. Which group would you say that you like the most, the positive or the negative? You may love people on both lists, but which do you like most?

Almost everyone says that they like the positive people most. The choice isn’t difficult.

  1. Which group would you say that you trust the most, positive or negative?

For example, if you needed an opinion about someone you had never met, which group’s opinions about the person would you trust most? Most choose the positive group.

  1. Which of the two groups are the most mentally healthy or stable?

In your estimation, which group demonstrates characteristics of mentally healthy people? Most say the positive.

  1. Do people in the negative group treat others negatively as well, or are they just negative toward you?

Have you seen them treat others as they treated you? Do you recall thinking that their treatment of someone wasn’t fair or warranted? Most say the negative people treated others negatively as well.

  1. Which group’s opinions of you do you seem to think about the most?

Which group has had a more powerful impact on your perceptions of yourself? Which group most deeply influenced the way you defined yourself? Unfortunately, most people say the negative group. The wounds of the negative group seem to dominate.

 

So, the end conclusion is that most people allow their self-esteem to be defined by people they don’t like, don’t trust, consider to be mentally ill and who treat others badly as well. Read that sentence again. Does it surprise you?

This exercise is designed to help people “consider the source” of their negative self-esteem beliefs. Hopefully, it will help you put the negative messages they conveyed in a more proper perspective.

 

Comments: How did this exercise impact your perspective on the negative people in your life?

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You Can Conquer Your Fear of Failure Now

The Impact of Failure on Self-Esteem

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Failure is as much a part of life as breathing. We all fail. I suppose the only way to completely avoid failure is to never do anything, but then we would just fail at life.

The key to emotional well being is not to avoid failure (because we can’t), but to handle failure appropriately. Our looking_downreactions to failure experiences determine their impact on our self-esteem. We can see a failure as evidence of our total inadequacy or as an unfortunate event.

When a child is criticized harshly or frequently, his self-esteem will be wounded. He will conclude that he is inadequate or defective. He will see himself as less smart or capable. He will tend to blame himself for any negative life circumstances and perceive that others are judging him. Any failures, even small, will take on enormous importance, as “proof” of the victim’s inadequacy. Consequently, the person will approach any performance situation with tremendous anxiety.

The problem lies in the perception of failure’s consequences. Dennis Waitley, Ph.D. shared an excellent metaphor for this difficulty.

Imagine that I had a twenty foot long board, that was twelve inches wide and four inches thick. I put the board on the ground and asked you to walk its length, from one end to the other. I told you that if you could do so without stepping off, I would give you a hundred dollars. Would you do it? Of course you would, easy task, sufficient reward.

But now lets imagine that I put one end of the board on a twenty story building, and put the other end on an adjacent twenty story building, with a twenty story alley below. Then imagine that I put the $100.00 bill on the other end of the board, with a rock on it, just in case the wind blew. Your task would be to walk across the board, without stepping or falling off, to get the money.

Would you do it now? Would you try to walk across the twelve inch wide board to get the $100.00 bill? I certainly hope not.

But let’s look at the difference. The task is actually the same in both situations, to walk the length of a twenty foot long board, that is twelve inches wide. The only difference is the penalty of failure.

When the board is on the ground, failure simply means that you don’t get the $100.00. When the board is on the building, the penalty is death.

People who have a fear of failure perceive every task as being a board on a building. Every performance feels like life-and-death. They may intellectually know that this is not the case, but their physical reactions give it away. Their hearts race. Their breathing becomes short and shallow. Their muscles tense. Their bodies are preparing for fight or flight.

In a sense, the person with a performance-based self-esteem wound is facing a life-or death event. The potential death is to the self-esteem, not to the body. They fear failure because they believe that it defines them. It doesn’t.

Now, I can almost hear you saying to yourself, “but I fail all the time.” This statement is a reflection of the wounded self-esteem, not reality. No one fails all the time. It’s just that a performance self-esteem wound makes you notice your failures more than your successes. It makes you perceive every negative circumstance as your fault. You don’t pay attention to your successes, so you don’t remember them.

Pay attention to your reactions to failure, or potential failure. Notice how your body reacts. Try to remind yourself that the board is actually on the ground. If you fail, you won’t get what you wanted, but you usually won’t die. You will be disappointed, but the failure won’t actually define you. At least, not unless you let it.

 

 

Comment: What about your reactions to failure? Have you discovered techniques that have helped you deal more effectively with failure? Please share them.

 

 

 

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The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Mental Health

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This is the second in my series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. Today we’ll look at the wound’s impact on thedepressed_man_001 individual’s emotional health, mood and general quality of life.

I’ve practiced outpatient psychotherapy for over 32 years and I have seen so many people who were experiencing depression that was fueled by self-esteem wounds (negative beliefs about self and negative self-talk). Now, I want to point out that depression can be caused by multiple factors including chemical imbalances, genetics and physical disorders, and should be evaluated and treated by a professional. The evaluation can begin with your primary care physician, a psychologist, counselor, social worker or psychiatrist.

So, not all cases of depression are caused by self-esteem wounds, but such wounds are often a major contributor. I will first talk to my new client about his symptoms, which can include sad mood, crying spells, decreased energy and motivation, difficulty making decisions, sleep and appetite changes, and sometimes suicidal thinking. I then try to gather information about the factors that may be driving those depressive symptoms.

The client will often share a history of negative experiences in childhood, negative beliefs about herself and hurtful relationships in adulthood. She will often blame herself for negative life events, poor choices and perceived failures. She will interpret events in the most negative way possible. She will often be angry at herself for her perceived faults.

Her negative thinking seems to be a constant companion. She says things to herself that she would never say to another human being. She abuses herself in her mind. She never even notices it, because she has done it so long.

This kind of thinking drains her mood, impacts her choices and steals any pleasure or enjoyment. One client said that her depression took the color out of her life, and that everything seemed to be black and white.

The negative impact of self-esteem wounds isn’t limited to those with clinical depression. Most people, with self-esteem wounds, are functioning quite well. They don’t look depressed. They don’t act depressed. They work beside you, attend your church, and perhaps even live in your house.

Their lives may not be severely limited by such wounds, but they suffer nonetheless. They keep their pain to themselves. You would never guess that their minds are filled with self-critical thoughts and self-doubt, but they are.

Comment:  Knowing the pain of self-esteem wounds and the prevalence of those wounds keeps me motivated to share tools for healing. Help me share this message. Share this post and share a comment on the world’s need for healing of self-esteem wounds.

 

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The Far-Reaching Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds

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When a child experiences neglect, harsh or frequent criticism or abuse, his self-esteem is wounded. Since all childrenperson_in_crowd are egocentric, he will blame himself for his negative treatment. If the child is neglected or ignored, he will conclude that he is not lovable or likeable. If he is overly criticized, he will conclude that he is inadequate or incompetent. If he is abused, he will believe that he is bad, defective or even cursed. Thus, a wound to the self-esteem is inflicted, or what I call a “wound of the heart.”

No child is immune. Any child will respond to such negative experiences with similar conclusions. The difference between the child with low self-esteem and the one with a more healthy self-esteem is a difference in experience, not a difference in the strength or in the abilities of the child.

Further, without some intervention, the self-esteem wound will stay with the person throughout life. A child who believes she is unlovable or unimportant will usually maintain those beliefs in adulthood as well. The child who questions his abilities will doubt himself as an adult as well.

In this four-part series, we will examine the far-reaching impact of self-esteem wounds. We will look at the wound’s impact on (a) personal mental health and quality of life, (b) interpersonal relationships, and (c) educational and career performance.

In some ways, a self-esteem wound is similar to metastasized cancer. Over time, it spreads into all aspects of the victim’s life. The wound alters the person’s functioning and perception of every experience. Over time, it tends to impact everything.

In the next article, we will examine the impact of self-esteem wounds on the individual’s personal mental health and quality of life. We will look at the impact on mood, anxiety, and perception. We will explore the pain created by such wounds.

 

Question: Can you think of any other areas where self-esteem wounds have an impact that I need to cover? Thank you for your comments!

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The Power of Your Thinking

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Young Woman Biting Her Finger NailAs a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
Proverbs 23:7

You talk to yourself all day. All your waking hours, you are thinking in words and sentences. You carry on an internal conversation with yourself. You comment on events, ask yourself questions and then answer them. This is normal. We all do it, but we usually aren’t aware that we’re doing it.

Have you ever stopped to consider the impact of all this internal chatter? You might be surprised at the degree to which your thoughts influence your mood, guide your perceptions and direct your behaviors. We would all do well to pay attention to the content of our thoughts, and consider their influence on our mood and choices. Have negative thought patterns caused you to experience unnecessary pain or make unhealthy choices?

The power of our thinking is magnified by the sheer volume of thoughts that go through our minds each day. Thousands of words, hundreds of phrases, judging thoughts, assuming thoughts, emotionally charged thoughts, all passing unquestioned into our minds and hearts.

A little internal observation will reveal that we all have habitual patterns of thinking. Some of us tend to think optimistic thoughts and some pessimistic thoughts. Some people are kind to themselves in their thoughts and some are very self-critical. Some people tend to be skeptical of others and some trusting in their thoughts.

This week, pay attention to your thoughts. Notice what you are saying to yourself. Particularly, notice any repeated patterns of negative thinking. Also, notice how your thoughts influence your mood and your behaviors. Was a negative or irritable mood preceded by negative thinking? Was a depressed mood preceded by self-critical or pessimistic thoughts? I believe that a little self-examination will reveal a connection between your self-talk and your life experience.
There are many forms of negative thinking can hurt us. In future posts, I will be addressing several specific types of negative thinking and providing tools we can use to change our thinking and improve our lives. For now, just notice the internal conversation as you go through your day. Become aware of your thoughts, your assumptions and your attributions. Awareness is the beginning of change.

Question: What techniques have you found to be helpful in monitoring your self-talk? Can you see a connection between the quality of your daily life experience and the thoughts that are going through your head?

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Your Do-It-Yourself Guide to Fighting Depression – Part 4

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In the first three articles in this series, I have explored three basic changes you can make to fight depression. These changes were to increase depressed_personphysical, social and pleasurable activity. The behavioral changes are difficult because depression makes its victim want to decrease physical activity, withdraw from others, and avoid previously pleasurable activities.

I used the analogy that depression is like an ugly, mean troll that gets inside the victim’s body and makes him want to do the very things that feed it and make it grow. When a depressed person decreases physical, social and pleasurable activity, his depression worsens.

Today, we will consider the fourth do-it-yourself depression fighter, which is: question your perceptions. Yes, when you are depressed, you cannot trust your perceptions. Depression distorts our perceptions in several areas, and those distortions are fairly predictable.

Depression distorts our perceptions of ourselves, our current circumstances, our past events and our future. We’ll look at each of these in turn.

The most powerful negative perceptual distortion is the victim’s view of himself. The depressed person sees himself as inadequate, unimportant, unlovable and a burden to others. He believes that others would be better off without him. He focuses on his failures and mistakes and dismisses his positive attributes and successes. This distortion of self often contributes to suicidal thinking.

Such thinking is truly a distortion. As I listen to a clinically depressed person describe himself or herself, I am amazed at the differences between the person’s real self and perceived self. These negative perceptions are deep and strongly believed. Nevertheless, they are wrong.

The victim’s perceptions of his current circumstances are usually distorted as well. The depressed person focuses attention on the negative aspects of life, while seeming to totally ignore the positive aspects. He will acknowledge the positives when they are pointed out, but they soon fade from awareness.

Depression also distorts one’s memories. Past mistakes feel more dire and unforgivable. They stand out in the victim’s mind. They are analyzed and replayed over-and-over. Past successes are forgotten or ignored.

Finally, depression creates a painful and hopeless vision of the future. Expectations are negative and pain seems permanent. The future looks bleak.

All of these perceptions are distortions of the truth. The distortions are predictable. So is the impact.

To fight depression, the victim must understand that his perceptions are not real. He must not trust his thinking or his feelings. He must remind himself daily that those perceptions are inaccurate. He must listen to and trust supportive friends and family who assert that his negative perceptions are wrong.

Imagine that you participated in a research study for a new drug. The researchers were very clear that this drug would temporarily distort your perception, but that this distortion would appear very real. You would have to remind yourself constantly that the drug was making you see things that were not real. By not trusting your perceptions, you would be able to function fairly normally. Depression’s distortion of perception is very similar. Depression is a chemical imbalance and this imbalance distorts perception in the same way as the experiential drug.

You can take positive steps to conquer depression by increasing physical, social and pleasurable activities, and by questioning your negative perceptions. Take the first steps today. You’ll feel better for the effort!