Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

                                                                       Abraham Lincoln

How happy are you today? How happy are you most days? Do you tend to go through your days with a sense of well-being or joy, or do you tend to move from one problem to another in your mind?

Research, and common sense, suggest that we have more influence over our happiness than we think. We can increase our feelings of happiness if we are deliberate about it. Most of the time, we can improve our mood if we make the effort.

Now, I want to be clear that I’m not referring to clinical depression here. The disease of depression is a physical and mental disorder, which requires treatment. You can’t just snap out of depression. Even in depression, however, you can sometimes improve your mood with effort. You can’t just decide to make it go away.

I’m referring to our day-to-day moods when depression is not a factor. In these situations, we can shift our mood if we try.  We don’t have perfect control over our mood, but we do have more control than we think.

Have you ever noticed that your mood one day might be pretty positive, and another day be down and out. Did you notice that your life situation might have been exactly the same on both days? It wasn’t your circumstances that determined your mood, it was your thinking, your perspective or your outlook. One day you thought negatively about yourself or your life, and the other day your thoughts were more positive.

So let’s imagine that you listened to the quote from Abraham Lincoln above, and made up your mind to be happy today. You determined this morning to make it a good day. How would you do it? What thoughts would you generate? What thoughts would you avoid? What would you want to notice or focus on?

Most likely, you already know the answers to these questions. You would want to deliberately notice or focus on the positive aspects of your life. You would try to avoid obsessing about your problems. You would remind yourself of the things you have to be thankful for. You would make efforts to cheer others up, or make them feel better. You would look for humor. You would get engaged in life activities. You would take the time to notice the beauty of nature. You would remind yourself of the positive traits of those around you, rather than their deficits. You would take the time to do something nice for yourself, or give yourself a little treat, without guilt. You would try to smile more.

The problem is not that we don’t know what to do. We just forget to do it. We focus our attention on the negative circumstances in our lives and believe strongly that we can’t feel better as long as those circumstances exist. We believe that we have no choice. We exclaim, “How could I possibly be happier in this situation?”

You may be right. Some circumstances are so negative that they do dictate your mood but most are not.  Everyone has negative and positive circumstances in their lives. If you’re waiting for all your negative circumstances to disappear before you can experience happiness, you will be waiting a long time.

What would it take for you to improve your happiness level just one or two notches? Why not give it a try. Be deliberate today about improving your mood. Make up your mind to feel better today. See if Lincoln was on to something.

The post Making Yourself Happy appeared first on Improving Self-Esteem and Self-Worth.

We’ve always had them with us. Every child in every school has felt the pain of being bullied. Every child has also watched as the bully tortures another victim. About one-in-four students in the US are bullied on a regular basis.

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior, in which someone repeatedly and intentionally causes another person discomfort or injury. Bullying can take the form of verbal attacks, subtle gestures or physical aggression. The victim usually does nothing to cause the bullying and can do nothing to defend himself or herself.

The bully often performs the aggressive actions in front of others in order to create a “mob” mentality. Others will sometimes join in on the bullying to boost their own social position or at least divert any attacks from themselves. Bullying behaviors can often boost popularity. In fact, research shows that bullies are often perceived as the “cool kids.”

About 77 percent of bullying is verbal. It can take the form of spreading rumors, making derogatory remarks, calling names or teasing. About 14 percent of victims have more severe reactions to being bullied, including lowered self-esteem, depression, anxiety about going to school, and suicidal thoughts. Bullying victims are 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims. A British study found that at least half of suicides among young people were related to having been bullied.

So, why do some people become bullies? For years, the prevailing belief was that bullies really suffered from a low self-esteem. More recent research concludes that most bullies actually have a high self-esteem, seeing themselves as superior to their victims. They do, however, seem to have a higher vulnerability to feeling shame, or being shame-prone. A person can have problems with shame and still have a high self-esteem, and this is what makes the person act like a bully. These kids disown their own shame and try to place that shame on other kids. These kids are also skilled at triggering the emotion of shame in others.

Research shows that the frequency of bullying behaviors decreases as children grow up, with most bullying incidents occurring between sixth and tenth grades. As we mature, most of us learn more healthy ways to interact, and finally realize the destructive power of bullying.

Unfortunately, not all bullies grow out of the behavior. We see, all too often, bullying behaviors in adults. We see adults spreading rumors, making derogatory remarks, name calling or teasing. We see adults exhibiting aggressive behaviors toward people who have lesser power, and have trouble defending themselves. We see adults exhibiting bullying behaviors in public, apparently trying to generate the mob mentality noted above.

Regardless of age, bullying is wrong. It is destructive and damaging and has no redeeming value. It reflects our most primitive nature. When we ignore, tolerate, or worse, praise the bully, we risk sinking to the same level. When bullying behaviors are recognized for what they are and are no longer tolerated, they lose their power. In schools, as in adult life, we need to demonstrate an attitude of intolerance for all forms of bullying behavior.

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Recently, multiple news reports indicated that Russian government backed organizations purchased $100,000 worth of ads on Facebook. There may be more, but these are the ones that have been identified so far.

We are now learning about some of the content of their ads and the populations they targeted. Many of the details are still unclear, but we are seeing one factor. The ads seem to have the intent of dividing us from each other. They picked sensitive or hot-button issues, and then posted extreme stories promoting both sides.

For some time now, I have expressed the concern that our country has become more polarized than ever. We are dramatically divided on so many issues; Democrats versus Republicans, Conservatives versus Liberals, race versus race, Trump lovers versus Trump haters. These positions have divided neighbors, friends, and family members to the point where some are not even speaking to each other. I know of family members who have not spoken in many months after a political disagreement.

Our divisions are deepened by our perception that our side is completely right and the other side is completely wrong. We stereotype the other side as ignorant, stupid, selfish or evil. We don’t trust the other side. They become the enemy.

Perceptions become extreme when we limit our communications to our side. We talk to those who share our position about how wrong the other side is. The negative statements are often accompanied by anger, dismissive laughter, sneers or expressions of disgust. We don’t really listen or try to understand the view of those on the other side. Even when we do communicate with someone expressing an opposing view, we don’t really listen because we are too busy formulating our argument. We become even more entrenched in our position.

What if we remembered that those on the other side are our fellow Americans, our neighbors, friends and family members? What if we honored them as human beings, who simply hold a different opinion? What if we engaged in a civil conversation and actually listened? We might find that those on the other side did have reasons for their opinions. We might be able to disagree, while still respecting the person. We might be able to work together on more issues.

I certainly don’t claim to know the answers to our current issues. I do believe those answers will only be found when we work together. I believe the path lies in real communication, respect for each other, negotiation and compromise.

There is still much to learn about the recent Russian actions and their intentions. But, if their intent was to deepen America’s internal divisions, they are on to something. They seem to understand that they don’t need to attack us. They just need to help us attack each other. We have to choose whether or not we will let that happen.

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This article is part of a series on types of negative thinking and their impact on self-esteem and relationships. The types of negative thinking are at the core of Cognitive/Behavioral Psychotherapy, and presented in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.

Sometimes the difference between healthy and unhealthy thinking is simply a matter of tone. The difference may be subtle. For example, the statement, “I want to lose some weight” expresses a healthy desire, but the statement, “I’m so fat” damages the self-esteem.

You may think the difference between the two statement to be inconsequential, because you know what you mean, but it’s not. The human brain processes self-talk literally. Much like a computer, it processes exactly what you put into it.

Research has clearly demonstrated the importance of the actual words used in our thinking. You may rationally know better when you say, “I can’t do anything right.” You may know that you can do some things right. After all, you got dressed this morning, and you did that right. But your self-esteem hears the actual words, and you feel as if you can’t do anything right. The damage is done.

So now, let’s consider a situation where you want to make some change or take some future action. It could be anything. You want to spend more time with your children or with your aging parents. You want to clean your house, or get more involved in a worthwhile organization. The motivation may be admirable.

You might think, “I want to …” do some action. You’re expressing a healthy desire, and hopefully, you will follow-up with actions to make it happen. It’s all good. Or you might think, “I should …” do the action. In this case, you’re still expressing the desire, but you add a little jab. The “should” statement suggests guilt, shame or inadequacy, and provides a bit of chastisement.

The “I want to…” statement leaves the self-esteem intact. It may even engender a little excitement as you visualize accomplishing the action. The “I should…” statement tends to lower your mood, leaving you feeling inadequate. The damage of each statement may be minor, but the repetition of such statements can be devastating.

“Should” statements remind me of a little known religious group of the 14^th century called the Flagellants. They believed they should punish themselves because of their sins, so they marched through the streets whipping themselves on the back with leather whips. Frequently using “should” statements is little like whipping yourself throughout your day. Like the whip, each “should” creates a little more damage.

Pay attention to the words you use in your self-talk. They really are important. Try substituting “I want to…” or “I would like to….” for the more negative, “I should…” See how it works.

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Certain realities in life can only be seen through eyes cleansed by tears.

                                                                         Pope Francis

Why do bad things happen? A national survey asked people what they would ask God, if they could ask him only one question. The number one question posed was, “Why is there suffering in the world?”

The only accurate answer to that question is, “I don’t know.” We may speculate. We may have our theories, but there will always be events in this life that are beyond comprehension.

For what it’s worth, I’ll briefly share my personal thoughts on the question, noting that others have voiced similar opinions. First, I don’t believe that God causes bad events. I believe God suffers along with us when we suffer, because He loves us. I also believe that God can, and does, use bad events for good. I believe we experience pain and suffering in this life, because we live in a sinful and broken world. Much suffering is directly caused by sinful behavior, our own or someone else’s. Other times, bad things happen where no sin was involved, such as physical illness or natural disasters. In these cases, it makes sense to me that such events occur simply because we live in a broken world.

So, we’re left with the reality that bad things do happen. Since we can’t change this reality, we need to look at how we can best respond to it. There are several truths that can help us with our response.

1. Bad things happen to everyone. We are not alone or unique in our suffering. We may perceive that life is easy for some, but we would be wrong. Others may hide their dark days or seem to handle them well, but they still occur. Understanding that life is difficult for everyone helps us accept our difficulties with more grace.
2. We don’t have to feel alone. When bad things happen, we need to lean on others. We need other’s support. If you are a believer, you know that you need to lean on God during these times. I know that my spiritual growth accelerates during my difficult times. During such times, I am reminded that I need to depend on something greater than myself.
3. Others don’t have to feel alone. We naturally reach out during the bad times. We want to help, to support, and to encourage. We are blessed when we reach out to bless others. Bad times spur us to do this.
4. We see life more clearly. Bad events help us see what is really important. Issues that once seemed so important, fade into the background. Our bad times work like a miner’s sifting pan, allowing the unimportant and trivial to fall back into the river, while highlighting the true gold in life.
5. We reorganize our priorities. I have worked with many people who have altered their life’s direction following a negative life event. Some have come to a place of gratitude for the bad event, as a needed turning point.

So, we are left with the reality that bad things happen to everyone. We can’t avoid them. We may not be able to understand them. But, we can work on how we respond to them, and that can make all the difference.

Comments: Please share the steps you have found helpful during the bad times in life.

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Letting Go of Stress

“Letting Go of Stress” is a CD recorded by Dr. Ledford to hep you reduce stress and learn to relax. The CD contains an introductory track (5:30) that explains the benefits of self-hypnosis and dispells the myths of clinical hypnosis.

The second track is a 49 minute self-hypnosis exercise that will guide you into a state of deep and comfortable relaxation as you listen to Dr. Ledford’s calming voice and the background sounds of a peaceful beach. Unlike the myths of hypnosis, you will not be “zapped,” lose control or quack like a duck when a bell rings. You will, however, be more relaxed than you ever imagined possible, and with practice, you will learn to calm yourself, even without the CD.

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