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Onion People and Garlic People

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I once heard a psychologist say that people can be divided into two personality types: onion people and garlic people. He said onion people are like an onion. If you eat an onion, it can have a strong taste. It can cause heartburn and indigestion. It can cause discomfort or pain to the one eating it, but onion breath isn’t too bad. If you eat garlic, it doesn’t have a strong taste. It doesn’t usually cause heartburn or indigestion. Garlic causes no discomfort or pain to the one eating it, but garlic breath reeks.

The psychologist said that onion people tend to be very hard on themselves. Onion people cause pain to themselves, but they work very hard to avoid hurting anyone else. On the other hand, garlic people are never hard on themselves. Garlic people cause no pain for themselves, but they hurt everyone around them. They take no blame but are quick to place the blame on others. You can usually identify those people in your life that are onion people and those that are garlic people.

We have to respond to onion people and garlic people differently. The nicer you are to an onion person, the nicer they will be to you. If you are kind to them, they will usually respond with kindness.

You can’t deal with a garlic person in the same way. A garlic person treats people with respect if they stand up to them. They treat a person well only when they sense the person will put up with nothing less. When a garlic person encounters people who have trouble standing up for themselves, they will crush them. They show no respect for them. The harder one tries to please a garlic person, the worse the garlic person treats him.

Let’s consider a (fictional) couple, Pete and Melinda, who exemplified the concept of an onion person with a garlic person. In the beginning, she acted like he was wonderful. He said they dated for two years and rarely had an argument. All that seemed to change after the marriage.

Pete said that he never seemed to please his wife, Melinda. At first, she was simply critical of his chores around the house. She wanted the grass cut in a certain pattern and he never seemed to get it right. She said he didn’t know how to fold clothes and couldn’t clean adequately. He tried to listen to her directives and do better but never did anything quite right.

After a time, she began to complain about their house being small and his not making enough money. She compared him to other men in their circle of friends and pointed out how they provided better than he. She even called him a loser and a failure at times. Melinda was a garlic person.

Pete was in an emotional trap. He had believed himself to be inadequate long before he married Melinda, and her verbal abuse simply worsened the wound. His response to each criticism was to try harder. He was very hard on himself but did everything he could to avoid hurting Melinda. He said he came in to see me to find out what was wrong with him. Pete was clearly an onion person. He wanted me to tell him how he could improve so that she would be pleased with him.

I told him that I couldn’t do that. I told him that Melinda’s criticism was a problem within her and not the result of his inadequacy. I told him that I would help him learn to be assertive with her and that I would work with both if she wanted to accompany him to a session. Unfortunately, she refused to come in with him.

I think, with a little reflection, you will be able to identify onion and garlic people at some points in your life. Remember, as difficult as it may be, you must be assertive with a garlic person to have any hope of a better relationship.

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A Little Less Anger

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Most of us would like to have better control of our anger. We may regret the time we overreacted to the car that pulled out in front of us, the waitress who took forever to bring our check or the critical comment from a co-worker. We sometimes wish we could have an emotional “do-over.”

Anger can harm our physical health, our relationships and our lives.

We tend to see our emotions as an unavoidable reaction to a situation. As we stew in our irritation, we review the slight in our mind. “How could they?” “They think they own the road.” “He’s just a jerk.”

Anger is a basic human biological response designed to protect us from physical danger. When faced with a potential attacker, our anger mobilizes our body to fight or run away. Our muscles tense up. Our breathing quickens. The pupils in our eyes dilate. Our heart rate speeds up. The response is very helpful if we face an actual physical attack but can be physically and psychologically harmful if experienced frequently.

In present days we rarely fact a physical attack. Our anger is usually prompted by our thoughts. We perceive the other person’s actions to be a threat to our well-being, but fully know that there is no physical danger. Their behavior may threaten our schedule, our appearance to others, our self-esteem, our business success, but rarely our lives.

Of course, sometimes anger can be healthy if it is channeled in the right direction. I’m a big believer in assertiveness. When we are assertive, we express our needs and protect our interests, but do so without the appearance of attack. We simply state our boundaries without being offensive. We defend our own rights but do so in a way that honors the other person’s rights.

Here are some steps we can take to control our anger:

  1. Don’t assume intention. Do you know that the person’s actions were intentional? Perhaps they didn’t mean to hurt you. Perhaps they reacted to a different perception of the situation. Perhaps there was a miscommunication. Check it out before you react.
  • Don’t assume you know everything about the situation. Could there be some pertinent information that you don’t know? We tend to assume that all we see is all there is. Everyone has a story, and we only see a small part of it. Check it out before you react.
  • Ask yourself if being angry will help. Will an angry response make anything better? Usually not. The situation is what it is. Your anger may not improve the situation. It may just make you stressed, raise your blood pressure, and ruin your day.
  • Can you give yourself the gift of forgiveness by letting it go? You don’t do anything for the person who hurt you when you forgive them. You give yourself the gift. When you let an offense go and forgive, you release the stress of your anger. You relax. You move on with your day or your life.

Of course, we are all a work in progress. We will overreact at times. But sometimes when we try, we can control our emotions and better our lives. Each success means a little less stress and one more good day.

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A Common Marital Pattern

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Through the years, I have done a lot of marital counseling. Couples usually seek help because of frequent conflicts, emotional distance or to recover from one member’s affair. They may disagree on finances, parenting decisions, or decision making. Sometimes they schedule an appointment more as a preventative, because they see the potential of a serious difficulty. Sometimes, they have already separated, and are on the verge of divorce.

marriage problems

While the specifics will differ from couple to couple, one pattern seems to be quite consistent. Over-and-over, I have seen this pattern emerge, often in the first counseling session. As we talk about the nature of their communications and their conflicts, I see that one of them is an Internalizer and the other is an Externalizer.

These terms refer to their personality styles, their emotional vulnerabilities and their reactions to conflict. The traits seem to be consistent over time, and the pattern holds true in about 95% of couples.

The personalities have nothing to do with being an introvert and an extrovert. An Internalizer can be an extrovert or an introvert, as can an Externalizer.

The Internalizer:

An internalizer reacts to hurt by withdrawing. He gets quiet or distances when he is hurt. He tends to not talk about his feelings. The more he is hurt, the more distant he becomes. Occasionally, however, he will react with an outburst of anger, and it is often intense.

Internalizers hate conflict. Arguments, relationship discussions or emotional discussions make them nervous. Because of their anxiety, they often have trouble thinking what they want to say. Their minds go blank during a discussion. Their most feared words are “We need to talk.” They may not get anxious about other issues, but relationship issues do trigger anxiety.

Internalizers are most sensitive to being criticized or feeling inadequate. They are vulnerable to feeling that they have messed up, or that they can’t meet the partner’s expectations. They perceive the partner as being hard to please.

The Externalizer:

The Externalizer reacts to hurt by getting angry, irritated or frustrated. Her hurt tends to turn into anger fairly quickly. She may try to talk about her hurt, but it often comes out more as frustration or anger.

While Externalizers don’t like conflict, they really hate non-resolution of problems. They want to address issues. They need to talk about the problem and the feelings it creates. They want to feel heard and understood. They get more upset when their partner avoids talking about the issues.

Externalizers are most sensitive to feeling rejected, unimportant or unloved. They tend to feel that the partner doesn’t care about them or their opinions. They see the partner as distant, detached or uninvolved. They often feel alone in the relationship.

You can probably imagine how these opposite personality traits could cause difficulties. When the Externalizer feels unimportant, she reacts with frustration or anger. The Internalizer perceives her anger as criticism, which he is sensitive to. He reacts by withdrawing. When he withdraws, she feels that he doesn’t care about her or love her, which makes her angrier. The vicious cycle continues.

These two personalities can learn to live together in harmony, but they have to understand what is happening. Each person has to understand his own tendencies, as well as his partners. Understanding that your partner is different from you and thinks differently can help. Trying to express hurt, rather than anger or withdrawal, can make a huge difference.

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A Return to Honor

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As I write this, our country is celebrating Memorial Weekend. During this time, we remember those who have served, suffered and died in our military. We honor our veterans, living and dead, and such honor is well deserved. We don’t do it often enough.

The focus of this weekend has led me to consider the concept of honor. What does it mean, exactly? Is it a practice lost in today’s culture? Does it still have value on a personal and a societal level?

While there are several definitions for the word “honor,” I want to discuss the verb, as in “We will honor those who came before us.” For example, this Memorial Weekend we remember, acknowledge and “honor” our veterans. Webster includes the definition: ”a showing of usually merited respect. “

Honoring those whose actions or positions have merited such respect is appropriate, but what about everyday expressions of honor? How might our lives change if we honored those who live under our own roof? Do you honor your spouse or your children? Do you honor your friends, co-workers or the many people you meet as you go through your day?

We often think that honoring someone suggests that we consider them to be above us, but is that really true? We can perceive the other person as equal to us, and still honor them. We can show them “merited respect” through our actions, our words, and our tone of voice.

What do you think would happen to your personal relationships if you behaved in a manner that honored those you encounter each day? Do you think honoring your spouse might contribute to a more positive relationship?  Do you think your children might be healthier and happier if your tone and words honored them? You can honor someone and still maintain proper boundaries and expectations.

What about yourself? Do you honor yourself? Do you treat yourself with the respect you give to others? Does your self-talk convey a tone of honor toward self? Do your choices and behaviors demonstrate a sense of honor toward self? Self-esteem wounds often prohibit any expressions of self-honor. Likewise, treating yourself with honor helps to heal self-esteem wounds.

Try to maintain an awareness of honor as you go through your day. Let your words, tone of voice and behaviors reflect honor toward those around you and toward yourself. Watch what happens.

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The Lies of Suicide

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In some way, all of us are affected by suicide. Whether you worry about the possibility that a loved one is considering it, have had a loved one attempt it or die from it, or whether you have grieved with a friend or neighbor when it happened, suicide leaves its mark.

pain of suicide

Every year, one million people attempt suicide in the United States. Over 40,000 Americans die from suicide every year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in those aged 10 to 24 years. A surprising fact for many, the highest risk of death by suicide is actually older adult men.

Two people in the U.S. will probably die from suicide before you finish reading this article. Worldwide, there is one death by suicide every 40 seconds.

Most people who consider suicide are in the midst of a deep clinical depression. In the moment of the suicide attempt, the person really does lose touch with reality. They may not hallucinate, but they believe things that are untrue. They are momentarily delusional. Here are some of the lies of suicide:

1. “Everyone would be better off without me.”

2. “They’ll get over it soon.”

3. “My life will never get better.”

4. “There is no help for me.”

5. “I don’t deserve to live.”

6. “I’ll show them how badly they’ve hurt me.”

7. “I have no other options.”

8. “Nobody cares.”

Unfortunately, many deeply depressed people believe these lies, and they act on them. If they don’t succeed, and when the depression improves, they realize that they were lies, but in the moment they don’t know any better.

Suicide also conveys several lies for the loved ones that are left behind. Their grief is complicated by confusion and many, many questions. They struggle to make sense of the loss. They often blame themselves. Here are some of the lies placed upon the loved ones left behind by a suicide:

1. “I should have seen it coming.”

2. “I should have done something.”

3. “If only I had ……”

4. “What did I do to cause it?”

5. “She tried to tell me, but I didn’t listen.”

6. “He made a decision to leave me.”

7. “How could she have been so cruel?”

8. “Others will blame me. I feel so ashamed.”

The reality is that none of us can perfectly predict human behavior. Most people try to do the right, loving thing, based on what they know in that moment. They can’t know what is going to happen in the future. If they had known, they would have done anything to intervene.

We know that this horrible thing should not have happened. Our next thought is to ask who is to blame. We look at every interaction, every missed opportunity. But in the moment, we probably did what we thought was best. We didn’t know. We couldn’t know.

If you have a loved one who is depressed, and you have concerns that they may be considering suicide, talk to them. Ask them if they are thinking about it. Tell them how much it would hurt you if they did something to themselves. You won’t suggest the idea, and you might just give them the opportunity to change their mind.

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A Search for Constancy

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As I write this, I’m gazing out at the Western North Carolina mountains. It’s early morning, and the sun is just coming up. I love looking out over the mountains. It never gets old.

So, I wondered why looking at the mountains is so satisfying. They don’t really do anything. They just sit there. They’re pretty much the same as they were yesterday, and the day before. In fact, I don’t remember ever seeing them move.

Perhaps, that’s it. I appreciate the mountains because they are always the same. They are constant. They are consistent.

In a world where everything changes, it’s nice to notice the constant. Most aspects of life are in constant flux. Our circumstances, our moods and even our bodies are always changing. So much is temporary.

And, so many things are unpredictable and uncertain. We don’t know what the next moment will bring. When we’re honest with ourselves, we all know that we control very little in our lives.

So, the mountains provide a sense of constancy. They were here long before I was born, and they will be here long after I’m gone. They feel predictable. They seem steady.

But, even the mountains will change. Mountains do change, albeit very slowly. They should outlast me, but they too will be gone someday.

I guess that’s why I really like verse 6 of Psalm 23. “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” More constant than the mountains, more predictable than the sunrise, our Father is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

He constantly provides goodness and mercy. I know that I need that today, and I’m sure I’ll need it tomorrow.

And he follows me. The thought of the Creator of the Universe following little ole me is a bit strange at first. We tend to think of God being stationary, sitting on a throne, waiting for us to come to him. But, that isn’t the message of the Bible. The whole Bible describes a God who follows, pursues, and reaches out to mankind. I love Francis Thompson’s description of God as “the Hound of Heaven.” A God who relentlessly pursues a relationship with his children.

Finally, David reminds us of the constancy of our final home. We will “dwell in the house of the Lord…” Now, wait for it. Listen for it… “forever.” Now, that’s much more reassuring than gazing at mountains.

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The Stories We Tell Ourselves

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assumptions

Rachael ran into her friend, Jennifer in the grocery store.They both smiled and talked briefly, but Jennifer seemed a bit distant.Jennifer ended the conversation by saying she had a lot to do. After they parted, Rachael questioned why Jennifer seemed distant and why she left so quickly. In her mind, Rachael told herself a story that Jennifer must be upset with her about something. She recalled that two weeks earlier, she had declinedJennifer’s invitation for lunch because she had other plans. She reasoned thatJennifer was upset with her because of that event.

Todd was competing with several co-workers for a promotion. His interview that morning had gone fairly well. Later in the day, he noticed the boss talking to one of the other candidates in the hall. They were laughing about something. Todd began telling himself a story that this co-worker was going to get the job. He became angry as he concluded that the interviews were just a formality, and that this company followed a good-ole-boy mentality and always would. He began thinking about looking for a job with another company.

Both situations illustrate that we tend to operate on a combination of facts and assumptions. Rachael and Todd did observe some facts. Jennifer did end the conversation fairly quickly. Rachael had turned down the earlier invitation. Todd did see the co-worker and boss laughing together. That’s all they really knew, but then they began to tell themselves a story. They formed conclusions based on their combination of facts and assumptions.

We do this all the time. We observe events and then begin generating our stories. We make assumptions about other’s underlying thoughts, feelings and motivations. We make assumptions about future events, failures and successes. Our emotions and actions are determined by the stories we tell ourselves, not the actual facts.

The human brain actively seeks resolution. Our brains constantly work to make sense out of incomplete information. For example, when you look at a flower, you don’t actually see the flower. Your eye sends data signals to the brain about color and shape, contrasts between light and dark, texture and depth. The brain then fills in the blanks to create an image of the flower in your mind.

Our brain also seeks resolution as we experience life events. We see certain facts, then our brains work to fill in the blanks to form conclusions. By filling in the unknown pieces of information, the brain achieves resolution. We feel a sense of satisfaction with this resolution, even when the conclusion is negative.

Unfortunately, our stories are often wrong. Our assumptions reflect our pre-existing beliefs more often than objective truth. When we believe we are inadequate, we tell ourselves stories of failure, mistakes and other’s being critical. When we believe we are unlovable or unimportant, we tell ourselves stories of others rejecting or backing away from us. When we believe that people are mean and hurtful, we tell ourselves the story that others will hurt us.

Sometimes, our stories may be true, but often they are not. Just pay attention to the times when you are adding to the facts you know with a story. You might think something like this, “This event happened, then the story I told myself was ….” It might help you distinguish between fact and assumption.

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When Bad Things Happen

Our response to negative events can make all the difference.

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Certain realities in life can only be seen through eyes cleansed by tears.

                                                                         Pope Francis

 difficult times in life

Why do bad things happen? A national survey asked people what they would ask God, if they could ask him only one question. The number one question posed was, “Why is there suffering in the world?”

The only accurate answer to that question is, “I don’t know.” We may speculate. We may have our theories, but there will always be events in this life that are beyond comprehension.

For what it’s worth, I’ll briefly share my personal thoughts on the question, noting that others have voiced similar opinions. First, I don’t believe that God causes bad events. I believe God suffers along with us when we suffer, because He loves us. I also believe that God can, and does, use bad events for good. I believe we experience pain and suffering in this life, because we live in a sinful and broken world. Much suffering is directly caused by sinful behavior, our own or someone else’s. Other times, bad things happen where no sin was involved, such as physical illness or natural disasters. In these cases, it makes sense to me that such events occur simply because we live in a broken world.

So, we’re left with the reality that bad things do happen. Since we can’t change this reality, we need to look at how we can best respond to it. There are several truths that can help us with our response.

  1. Bad things happen to everyone. We are not alone or unique in our suffering. We may perceive that life is easy for some, but we would be wrong. Others may hide their dark days or seem to handle them well, but they still occur. Understanding that life is difficult for everyone helps us accept our difficulties with more grace.
  2. We don’t have to feel alone. When bad things happen, we need to lean on others. We need other’s support. If you are a believer, you know that you need to lean on God during these times. I know that my spiritual growth accelerates during my difficult times. During such times, I am reminded that I need to depend on something greater than myself.
  3. Others don’t have to feel alone. We naturally reach out during the bad times. We want to help, to support, and to encourage. We are blessed when we reach out to bless others. Bad times spur us to do this.
  4. We see life more clearly. Bad events help us see what is really important. Issues that once seemed so important, fade into the background. Our bad times work like a miner’s sifting pan, allowing the unimportant and trivial to fall back into the river, while highlighting the true gold in life.
  5. We reorganize our priorities. I have worked with many people who have altered their life’s direction following a negative life event. Some have come to a place of gratitude for the bad event, as a needed turning point.

So, we are left with the reality that bad things happen to everyone. We can’t avoid them. We may not be able to understand them. But, we can work on how we respond to them, and that can make all the difference.

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I Know Why You Did That

We make too many assumptions about why others do what they do.

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We do it all the time. We all do. We observe someone’s behavior and immediately assume we mind readingknow why they did what they did. We do it so often, that we don’t even notice it.

Someone doesn’t return a phone call or a text. A co-worker leaves a meeting early. An acquaintance walks by us without speaking. A friend doesn’t voice agreement when we state an opinion. A spouse avoids talking about a recent disagreement. A loved one hasn’t called in a while.

The list could go on. We observe an endless number of behaviors from other people every day, and we assume what those behaviors mean about the person’s feelings, opinions, intentions or attitudes. Our assumptions are often wrong, but we feel quite certain that we are right.

We misread other’s behaviors because we tend to believe that other people think the same way we do. We look at their behaviors and ask ourselves what it would mean if we did the same behavior in the same situation. “If I did that in this situation, it would mean that I was feeling…” We then assume that the other person must be feeling the same way.

We also assume that we know all the information we need to know to interpret the person’s behaviors. This assumption is often wrong. The late Dr. Steven Covey shared a particularly moving example in his book, “Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.”

Dr. Covey was riding on a subway car in New York City. It was a pleasant Sunday morning ride, with most passengers quietly reading their newspapers. A man and his three children get on the train. As the car was fairly full, they had to sit in different places. The man just sat looking down at the floor. The kids, however, were hyper and argumentative. Their behaviors worsened as the train progressed. Other passengers were watching these unruly kids and waiting on the father to correct them, but he just sat there staring at the floor. As the misbehavior worsened, Covey spoke to the man and asked him if he couldn’t say something to his kids, as they were being a disruption to the other passengers. The man looked up, as if in a daze. He responded that he guessed he should say something to them. He went on to say that they just came from the hospital and that their mother just died. He said that he didn’t know how to deal with it and guessed they didn’t either.

With the new information, Dr. Covey’s attitude toward the man and the children suddenly changed. He had assumed that this was an uncaring father, and that these were obnoxious children. He now saw the father and the children as hurting and confused. He asked the father if he could help him with the children until he came to his stop. He now felt compassion rather than irritation.

Before assuming that you know why someone is exhibiting a behavior, remind yourself that you may not have all the information. It will also help if you can remember that the other person may perceive or think differently from yourself. An assumption is just an assumption. You’re just guessing.

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I’ve Never Told Anyone This, But ….

It's comforting to know that your secret feelings are shared by many others.

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Over 36 years of practicing psychology, I have heard this phrase quite a lot. Sometimes during shared feelingsthe first session, and sometimes after several sessions, the client will pause for a moment, then begin with that phrase. They will go on to share something they have never shared with another human being. Sometimes their voice will crack, or their face will reveal their discomfort.

 

I feel the importance of those moments. I realize that my reaction to this information can have a significant impact. I know that my reaction can determine whether they feel acceptance or shame. I also know that my response can affect the future or our counseling relationship.

 

I consider it an honor that they have decided they trust me enough to share this thing they have never before shared before. Of course, I know that my role as a psychologist and the confidentiality of the therapy setting play a part, but I still think it says something about their perceptions of me as a human being.

 

The information may be an event that happened during childhood. It may be some characteristic or trait. It could be an opinion or pattern of thinking they have kept hidden. Regardless of the content, they have felt afraid or ashamed to tell it to any other human being.

 

I think about how hard it must have been to have carried this secret. I imagine the burden they have felt through the years. I consider the situations where they had to choose their words carefully to protect the information.

 

The person has kept this information a secret for a reason. In most cases, he has imagined that others would be judgmental or disapproving. He anticipates being ostracized, rejected or at least treated differently.

 

Whether or not we have a particular secret, we all wonder at times if other people think the way we do. Are we similar to others or are we different? Do others share similar feelings, reactions or insecurities? Are we normal or abnormal?

 

One of the nice parts of my job is helping the person, who has always thought she was abnormal, realize that she’s not. It’s very comforting to know that your feelings are shared by many others. It’s a relief when you can understand that you are simply being human, imperfect just like everyone else.