Most people have heard of the classic experiment conducted by Ivan Pavlov, where he taught a dog to salivate whenever he heard a bell. He would ring a bell, then immediately give the dog food. At first, the dog just salivated when he saw the food, but soon he began to salivate whenever he heard the bell. After that, he salivated when he heard the bell, even when no food was present. This subconscious pairing of one reaction with a neutral stimulus is called classical conditioning.

A more familiar example would be when a hospital patient is given a new medication, and given orange juice to wash it down. The medication happens to make the patient sick. After that, the patient feels nauseated whenever he drinks orange juice.

Classical conditioning frequently comes into play in our everyday lives, sometimes in ways that hurt us.  For example, you may have grown up with a father who had intense episodes of anger. Because you were just a child, his anger scared you. You may have felt helpless and afraid that someone, including you, might get hurt.

This experience could have caused your brain to pair anger with thoughts and physical sensations of fear. This pairing could now occur when you see someone displaying, even mild to moderate episodes of anger. You experience anxiety when you see or hear signs of anger. You tend to avoid any situation where you might make someone angry. You may even fear expressing your own anger.

Your body will tell you whether this pairing, or conditioning, has occurred. Note whether you notice your heart racing, short and shallow breathing, sweating or muscle tension whenever you see someone who is angry. Pay attention to your reactions to seeing anger. It your reaction proportional to the intensity of anger expressed?

Of course, sometimes anger is not safe. Sometimes, you will encounter a person who is so intensely angry that they could be dangerous. If so, you are wise to withdraw and preserve your safety. In this discussion, however, I’m referring to expressions of anger where you know you are not in danger.

You may have difficulty expressing your feelings or being assertive because you fear that the other person will get angry. This can even occur when you intellectually know that you are not in any danger from this person. Your head tells you that you are safe, but your body reacts as if you are not.

If you recognize this pattern, you can work to correct it. If you feel anxious when you experience another person’s anger, but you know that you are actually safe, try to stay in the situation. Notice your breathing and try to slow it down. Try to relax your muscles. Mostly, remind yourself that you are not in danger. That anger is just another emotion like joy or sadness. Over time, you may be able to break the association between anger and anxiety.

If you are successful in decreasing your anxiety about anger, you will be better able to be assertive about your feelings, without as much fear of making the other person upset. By expressing your feelings in a kind and appropriate manner, you may see positive growth in your relationships.

Comments: Have you been able to calm your reaction to other’s anger? If so, how?