Monthly Archives: December 2018

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A Time of New Beginnings

We often look to a new year as a time for positive change.

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As we celebrate the new year, we often think of new year’s resolutions. I don’t hear people talkNew Year about them as often as I used to, but the topic still comes up. I think most of us consider resolutions a waste of time, as they’re usually forgotten by February.

But still, a new year can be thought of as a new beginning or a new start. We hope that this year will be better than the last, that we will finally make that positive change, or at least have better luck. We look toward the future.

While New Year’s resolutions often fail, there is a benefit to setting goals. Research shows that most top athletes and business people set goals. They often attribute their success to proper goal setting. Their goals help them focus their efforts and increase their motivation.

So, how do we set goals that actually make a difference? Here are some guidelines to consider.

  1. Make your goals measurable. A goal should be specific so it is easy to determine whether it was or was not met. Saying you want to be a better person is nice, but your success will depend on the day of the week and who you ask. Saying that you will show some act of kindness every day is a little more manageable. Saying you will be healthier is too vague. Saying you will love twenty pounds is measurable.
  2. Give yourself a timeframe. Set a specific time where you will check your success or failure. Saying, “I will lose twenty pounds by March first” will increase your motivation and focus.
  3. Don’t set too many goals. We can become overwhelmed by too many goals. Keep the number at three or less at first. If you succeed at those, you can add more.
  4. Visualize your success. There is tremendous power in visualization. Picture the time when the goal is a reality. Imagine yourself twenty pounds lighter. Picture the project as already completed. Be as detailed in your visualization as possible. Notice what you see, feel and hear in that moment. Notice the look on your face. Notice how good you feel with your success.
  5. Avoid self-criticism if you fail at a goal. You will not succeed at every goal you set. When you do fail, just start over. Try to identify why you failed and make corrections. Learn from your mistakes, but don’t beat yourself up with them. Self-abuse never helps. It just crushes your motivation and morale.

 

As this new year rings in, consider how you want your life to look. Self-growth is a good thing. You often can improve your circumstances. For years I have said, “I want to live my life deliberately.” Be intentional. Set a goal or two this new year, and see what happens.

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I’ll Be Home For Christmas

Enjoy your holidays, but be realistic about your expectations.

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One of my favorite Christmas cards was given to me by a client. On the front of the card, there is a photo of a beautiful snow-covered farm scene. The farm house is beautifully decorated for Christmas GatheringsChristmas. The caption at the top says, “I’ll be home for Christmas.” When you open the card, the words read, “And in therapy for the next year.”

 

The card is funny but expresses an unfortunate truth. I talk to so many people who grew up in dysfunctional families. They recall a parent’s substance abuse, an abandoning or critical parent, or constant drama and infighting through childhood. Like all children, they carried this overriding hope that the parents would change, and they would at last feel the love they had longed for. Like all children, those family experiences created self-esteem wounds, where they believed that they were at fault. They mistakenly believed that they were defective, unlovable or inadequate.

 

Many of those children carry this hope of family change into adulthood. As adults, they still long for that negative, critical parent to finally be proud of them. They hope to see expressions of love, or attention from that distant or abandoning parent. Their hope is fueled by the mistaken belief that their worth is measured by the parent’s behaviors toward them. They believe that loving or accepting behaviors from the parent will mean that the defective child has finally grown into a competent and lovable adult.

 

Now, here’s where the Christmas card comes in. These people carry the hope that this time or this visit, things will be different. They hope that this Christmas, they will see the change. They may not be conscious of this hope. They may consciously realize that the negative parent won’t change until they decide to change. But, subconsciously they carry hope.

 

The person who returns home for a visit, carrying this unrealistic hope, is primed for disappointment. When the family member once again behaves critically, is rejecting, or gets drunk, that hope is shattered. The result can be anger, depression, or a deepening of an old self-esteem wound.

 

Of course, the truth is that the parent’s critical or rejecting behaviors reflect a problem with the parent, not an inadequacy in the child. And, the parent won’t change until he or she realizes the problem and has a desire to change.

 

The holidays can be a very special time of year. Enjoy the good parts. Establish your own traditions but remember that people basically act like themselves. Try to be realistic about your expectations when you make that Christmas visit. It might save you some of the cost of therapy.

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The Better Angels of Our Nature

We must learn to listen to each other with respect and civility.

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“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”  Abraham Lincolnkindness

 

These words were spoken by Lincoln in his first Inaugural Address on March 4th, 1861. In just over one month, the Civil War would begin. The country would be torn apart. Four years of intense combat would follow, with 620,000 to 750,000 people being killed. Neighbors would fight neighbors, brothers would kill brothers, Americans would destroy other Americans.

Though it would take years, America did reunite and heal from the Civil War. Our common goals and purposes became more important than our differences. Divisive labels lost their meaning. Our forefather’s wonderful experiment of Democracy thrived once again.

While the most dramatic, the Civil War wasn’t the only time our country and our people have been divided. We have had other times of separation, times when the distinctions between “us” and “them” seemed clear. We have had other times when our goals, our cultures and our purposes were at odds.

I believe we are in such a time now. The divide between Republican and Democrat, liberal and conservative, right wing and left wing has consistently widened. It seems to me that we’ve lost our ability to disagree with civility and remain neighbors and friends after the discussion. Like many, I have felt a deep concern about where we are heading.

Recently, however, I have been reading “The Soul of America” by Jon Meacham and feeling more hopeful because of it. In this book, released May, 2018, Meacham provides a historical perspective for our current social climate. He points out that we have seen many times of strife, but that each was followed by healing and even strengthening of our country. He notes that our Democratic form of government serves to facilitate such healing. I really appreciate his hopeful perspective.

On the first day of his presidency, Lincoln appealed, “We must not be enemies.”  But, it’s up to us. We have to begin by listening to each other with respect and calm. We must remember that our differences are far outweighed by our similarities. We have to look for common ground. Those on the “other side” are, after all, our neighbors. In this time, we can work together for the common good, but to do so, we must depend on “the better angels of our nature.

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The Medicine of Laughter

A good laugh can do much to improve our mental and physical health.

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We all laugh. In fact, laughter is universal. Regardless of culture or native language, all humanslaughter laugh. It is a hardwired response, involving the brain centers of emotion and memory; the amygdala and the hippocampus. It activates the pleasure systems of the brain.

A baby’s first laugh will delight her parents at about 14 to 18 weeks of age. At about eight months of age, infants begin doing things to make others laugh. Without words, they begin clowning to make others laugh. They may try to put their toes into their caregiver’s mouth or expose their naked tummy, while shaking back and forth. At this early age, they seem to understand humor.

Comedians make us laugh by exploiting our expectations. They set us up, then surprise us with the punch line. We laugh at the unexpected or the absurd.

So, why do we laugh? Other than the fact that it feels good, are there benefits to a good belly laugh. Research indicates that laughter serves us well. Here are a few ways that laughter is good medicine.

  1. Laughter is good for your heart. It gives us a good cardiovascular workout, much like going for a walk. A good laugh will strengthen your heart muscle.

 

  1. It is a natural pain killer. Laughter makes us produce endorphins, which increase comfort, decrease pain, and just make us feel good.

 

  1. It protects us from disease. Studies show that people who laugh regularly have lower incidence of chronic diseases, such as diabetes or hypertension. Laughter also boosts our immune system, helping us ward off infections.

 

  1. Laughter decreases our blood pressure. People who laugh frequently tend to have lower blood pressure, which decreases the risk of heart attack or stroke.

 

  1. It decreases stress and anxiety. We increase our relaxation response when we laugh. Our stress hormones go down, and we become less anxious. Genuine laughter calms an anxious mind.

 

  1. Laughter helps depression. Studies have shown that watching funny television shows or movies improves one’s outlook on life. While it may be more difficult to laugh when depressed, the research suggests that watching comedy significantly decreases the emotional pain of the disease.

 

  1. It strengthens relationship bonds. Laughing with others increases our feelings of connection. Sharing a funny moment makes us feel closer to each other. A non-threatening humorous comment can often ease a tense discussion.

 

  1. It can shift our perspective. When dealing with a problem, a little laughter can help us distance ourselves from the seriousness of the difficulty, helping us feel less overwhelmed.

 

These are just a few of the benefits of laughter. So, let yourself laugh a little. Look for things that make you laugh. The best laughter is when you spontaneously laugh with a friend or loved one. But, you can also find humor on the internet. Just google “clean comedy” or “clean jokes.” Don’t take yourself too seriously. You’ll feel better for it.

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But, It’s Not Fair!

We tend to have the mistaken belief that life should be fair.

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It seems to begin early in childhood. Every parent has heard the complaint, “But, that’s not Life is Unfairfair.” We seem to have this instinctual expectation that the world should be fair, and that expectation often continues into adulthood.

 

When we perceive that we have not been treated fairly, we complain. To ourselves, or to anyone who will listen, we complain about our unfair treatment. Our protests reflect our inner expectation that life should be fair. Even though we intellectually know better, our complaints also indicate that we assume life has been fair to everyone else.

 

So, what do we mean by fairness? Arthur Dobrin, DSW, teacher of applied ethics at Hofstra University, points out that there are three different perceptions of fairness. These are as follows:

 

  1. Sameness: This is the expectation that everyone will be treated equally. Everyone pays the same thing, and everyone gets the same thing. Regardless of need and circumstances, everything is equal. Everyone eats, or no one does. Senior citizens pay the same as younger adults and children. No one gets more than another. Dr. Dobrin calls this perception of fairness, equality of outcome.

 

  1. Deservedness: This is the expectation that you get what you deserve. If you work hard, you get everything you earn, and you keep it. You get only what you earn, and you get nothing if you don’t earn it. Those who are smarter, more talented and harder working will have more, and the inept, unmotivated or less diligent will have less. Dobrin says this is fairness as individual freedom.

 

  1. Need: This is the perception that those who have more should give more to help those who are unable to contribute as much. This is based on the belief that we all have obligations to one another, and that we should show compassion to those who have less. Here we see fairness linked with responsibility. Dr. Dobrin notes that this is fairness as social justice.

 

As you read through these, I suspect you agreed with some elements of all three. Most of us adhere to each perception, depending on the circumstances. We may also apply one concept to the world, and a different one to ourselves.

 

However, the truth is that life is not fair. A tornado will rip through a neighborhood, completely destroying one house, while not touching the one next door. One person gets cancer, while another remains healthy. It’s hard to understand. It’s not fair.

 

I certainly don’t pretend to understand why things happen the way they do. I do know, however, that obsessing or moaning about the unfairness of life accomplishes nothing. It just intensifies our pain. Once we accept that life isn’t fair, once we accept that life is difficult, we can begin to move on and live again. It may be hard, but it’s the reality of this life.